It's been 51 years ago last month since my SA. One would think by now I would be long past all of it. But I'm not. However, I have a lot of time now to reflect on the past and I have seen a pattern in my life. First, the low self esteem has been with me all my life. Second, I have never been able to make decisions or make correct ones. Even choosing something on a menu in a restaurant. I always get what someone else is getting. Third, I am so passive that it's ridiculous. That has allowed people to walk all over me and I don't say anything. Fourth, in every job I have had in my life, I have kissed every one's a** just because I found it easier to do that then to confront. Fifth, I have always been overwhelmed by circumstances at every job I have ever had. The being overwhelmed goes all the way back to high school. People have told me I am smart. I don't believe it. I can't see it. Sixth, with few exceptions (my wife, children, and our grandson) I have never felt anyone cares about me or what I have to say. And that goes for everyone everywhere (except the exceptions). Sixth, 20 years with a psychologist didn't do anything for me nor has 9 years with a psychiatrist. The psychologist listens for 50 minutes - 80 bucks. The psychiatrist listens from 5 to 8 minutes - 100 bucks. My personal opinion, psychiatry is a scam....100 buck to get pills. Please don't take offense at that if you are helped by one, I'm just referring to me. Seventh, I have wondered why my mother was in the hospital for 10 day when I was born in 1949. There was something said about chicken pox but I was never told anything else. My parents were very closed mouthed about everything. I didn't try to pry. I was the third of three children. I was told two things. My mother wanted a girl after having two boys and I wasn't even supposed to be born because my grandparents said 2 was enough. I was told that by my dad. I don't thing a parent should tell their child something like that. I'm 63 and it still rings in my brain. (I'll stop numbering now). I have always felt like a nobody. It took me two years after my SA to realize that it was SA. I was 12. I didn't know a damn thing about sex until about 14. The idiot perpetrator that did this to me did it to other boys. But nobody said to watch out for these worthless lumps of flesh out there that are on the prowl. SO, I think how much of my life has been affected by what happened to me at 12 or did something happen to me when I was born. I don't know. I don't think like others my age. I feel my age physically but not mentally. I'm way back somewhere. I am certainly not youthful anymore but I think like one. That can make be feel goofy and guilty. The doctors never gave me any concrete answers or I didn't understand them. Now I'm retired and I don't know what to do. I don't feel like doing anything. My wife and I get along great and have for going on 35 years. That is a good thing. She does most of my thinking for me. She does understand me more than I do but there is no fix. Not now. Not this late. I can say this, I do love our grandson. He really is a joy. I tell him that I love him all the time as I did with our own kids. I wasn't told that when I was a kid. I didn't have a bad childhood with my parents, it's just that I can look back and see what was missing. Not money, not things, but attention. Same with my grandparents. I didn't get treated badly but attention was missing. So, again, how much was nature, how much was nurture, how much was the SA? How much is my mind playing tricks on me? Is the reality I'm seeing altered by unknown problems in my brain? I don't know. A large part of my being has felt alone for a very long time. That's why my name on here is alone.