I can only run so long before it comes back. I stood there getting ready to punch the heavy bag. I find this to be very helpful in releasing tension and anger. I had been sexually sober for over three weeks. I know that at the three week mark I start to feel a slight edge and the whole managing of emotions becomes more difficult. The pain feels a little more intense and I can feel a draw to numb.
I stood there in the basement and images of me taking his penis out of my mouth and turning sharply around as if I was being discovered doing the things I was doing flashed in my eyes. I tried to blink them out, but all I could see was the terror in my 6 year old face.
Call it a shortage of oxytocin, a flood of dopamine or whatever you want to call it. I know exactly why I choose, yes I choose, to numb myself with porn, sex, or masturbation. I am the one left with those images of putting his penis in my mouth. I am the one left with the feeling of my tiny body trembling as he abused me orally. Those memories don't go away. They stay there, waiting for clarity so I can process them in some way but I am usually too busy victimizing myself over and over again.
I am afraid to face the memories head on. I am scared of those feelings. Afraid of the tears, the anger, the grief. It feels so overwhelming. And then I wonder why I have anxiety, why I resist change. Why I can't manage my emotions. I know full well they are there. They demand my attention, but I don't want to dwell on them. Where is the happy medium? Is there ever a good time to revisit the past?
I know what sexual sobriety will mean for me. It's going to be the most difficult part of this journey. It means I have to deal with what lies beneath it all. The force that drives the behavior. I am afraid of what lies beneath it all. A fellow member said it best, "I am afraid of not being in pain." I so totally relate to that.
Heal well brothers.
I am the warrior.