For me, also, it has something to do with the unspoken expectation that whomever else finds out, or whomever else i have to face and tell, will see me as being as ugly and monstrous as i feel inside. There's so much shame for me in this. Not just in the act which was perpetrated against me that i had no control over, but also in the twisted manner in which i tried to cope with what i was holding inside me: the lying, the use of pornography and masturbation, my inability to be completely comfortable with physical intimacy, even with the woman whom i love most in the world; moreover, the thoughts in the back of my head that, had she known the truth about me beforehand, she probably would have run in the opposite direction as quickly as she could, and rightly so on her part. I feel like the taint of what i am going through doesn't just affect me, but it also changes the world a little for everyone i care about who has to be exposed to me right now.
I identify with all the issues you've mentioned, onlyakid. Two days ago was my first therapist appointment. I spent the night prior throwing up, shivering, sweating, sleepless, and terrified. I went, though, and after that visit i had the personal direction to start helping myself instead of holding all this shit inside and denying its existance. I found this forum, and despite fear of reprisal and rejection, i talked about my problems. It really helped to hear that my coping methods were shared by others; that i wasn't a hopeless, monstrous, freak.
I'm reading about how to get through this now, also. I was directed to a book called "beyond betrayal," and i am slowly gleaning insights. Very slowly. It takes a lot of courage for me to read through it, because i am still in the early stages of acknowledging my CSA, and i am extremely self critical.
I'm sorry, brother. I'm rambling. Just know that you're not alone out there, and all that anxiety and indecision you feel, i feel that, too. We can do this, brother. Stay the path. I'm rooting for the both of us