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#40625 - 09/14/05 12:48 AM why cant I get angry
little alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/26/05
Posts: 12
Loc: somerset
My wife,son,daughter, friends, new age buddies white witch and Druid Priesstess chums can all get angry at my brother who abused me so why the fuck cant I.
Sometimes the anger wells up suddenly so I take a rounders bat and beat the stuffing out of a traffic cone but I cant hold onto the anger. I wish I could feel the capacity to do him harm but I cant.
I'm having the therapy and reported him to the police and given statments. I pray he will be arrested for questioning so his suffering can begin.
I dont want to feel pleasure in his suffering, only justice but why the fuck cant I get angry like everyone else.
by the by, my Priestess friend worries me because I genuinly believe she has the capacity to do him serious harm. I'm a Christian but dont forget that that makes me the new kid on the block.
I digress.
Why the fuck cant I get angry

#40626 - 09/14/05 01:10 AM Re: why cant I get angry
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I think you may be looking over your shoulder for something that's right in front of you. I hear the anger in what you say. "I pray he will be arrested for questioning so his suffering can begin." We're all torn, especially if we actually liked the person who did this to us. I think you'll find many here who were hurt by brothers or friends that are really torn between the anger and the friendship they felt. It's also hard to sort out the feelings when anything at all positive came out of the abuse. I mean, for me, I didn't have anybody, and here this uncle was so nice to me and played with me. I even looked forward to his visits. And he SA me. Those are tough feelings.

The feelings come. It's sorting out the friend/brother from the perp, the past from the present, that makes it so difficult. Hang in there. Writing does help, and I know you'll find a lot of good men here who are great listeners. We're here for you.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#40627 - 09/14/05 02:07 AM Re: why cant I get angry
Dan88 Offline

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
It took me a long time to get angry and there were two big obstacles to get over along the way.

First was a self-esteem issue. I had to convince myself that I was worth getting angry for. For a long time I considered what happened to me was a horrible thing, but in a detatched way. But taking it personally was a much harder thing because subconciousy I didn't believe I was worth anything because of the lessons learned at a young age. So I had to place an appropriate value on my own life before I could be offended and angry at the way is was treated.

Second I had to get out of denial. I tried very hard for many years to stay in denial. It was very unpleasant to recognize the full scope and magnitude of what was taken from me. I didn't want to confront it all. I wanted to be over it and have it just be a bump in the road. So that set up a conflict. How could I be furious when at the same time I was telling myself that I was over it, that I wasn't really still hurt. Once I started to come to grips with the real cost of being abused, the anger came. And in a big way.

#40628 - 09/14/05 03:49 AM Re: why cant I get angry
Darkheart Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I had to stop being afraid to get angry. I was terrified to really let them flow...

My Story...

#40629 - 12/02/05 09:48 PM Re: why cant I get angry
Lstincanberra Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 6
Loc: Canberra, AUSTRAL:IA
Anger is the unconstructive emotion, and causes one to emote negatively to another. I felt that if I was angry then my abuser had an ongoing effect, so I choose not feel anger, then again that's perhaps why I have trouble expressing most emotions. So maybe my responce is due to denial, but it's also about boundaries, I feel sad, for me, but not angry, because I have gained more in this life if only in understanding life and that ups the scale for me.


#40630 - 12/02/05 10:51 PM Re: why cant I get angry
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Anger is a stage in how we react to what happened to us, and I guess we all need to process the anger before we can move on. It's not a place we want to stop at, but I think it is important to go through this and express the anger somehow. Some of us need to beat the shit out of something; others write angry letters.

I found it difficult as well, and I think one reason was that I had emotionally shut down in so many ways. I feared losing control, and I feared confronting memories and feelings that would make me feel even worse about myself. So for me what I had to do was relearn to trust myself to have feelings. It was difficult, and still is in some ways. I still find it easier to close down the shop rather than let it all hang out. I also think Dan is right - there are self-esteem issues here as well.

I think what's really important is that you should not tear yourself up over this. We all get through this in different ways and at different paces. The anger will come when you are ready for it, and it would be a good idea to take this up with your therapist as well.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#40631 - 12/02/05 11:15 PM Re: why cant I get angry
Happenstance Offline

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 33
Loc: Florida
Alex--My problem is controlling the anger. I find myself suddenly caught up in a flood of rage that is almost all-consuming, meaning I have enough sense to not beat on my family. However, the poor cabinet in the garage would have a few choice words to say if it could speak.

My wife, however, has an issue much like yours. She was SA by her grandfather, and she never did get angry about it. He has been dead for over 10 years, and she would always tell me that she wrote it off as him just being a dirty old man. Then came the day when her younger sister told her that she, too, was abused by him. Then my wife got angry. Angry at what he had done to her sister. She still would place herself second, and still does now. Now, she gets mad about it when she is drinking.

I urge you to wait for the anger, do not force it. Let it come. But also check out my thread titled "Anger". There were some really good responses there to my issue of non-control. Yes, anger allows you a release. But it can drain you, too, if you let it. Anger is healthy, I think, if controlled.

And fear not; there are many of here that are angry for you right now. I have not been long on this forum, and I am not the best at advise, but your frustration is quite evident in your post. I am assuming this was your older brother. There are many stigma's concerning the older brother. I think one of your underlying emotions may be a sense of betrayal. Explore that, and I betcha that if nothing else will, that oughta get you on the right path to release.

"When there's nowhere else to run
"Is there room for one more son
"one more son
"If you can hold on, hold on."

#40632 - 12/04/05 10:46 AM Re: why cant I get angry
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Hey Alex,

Ya know what? I have trouble feeling anger towards one of my abusers myself. My other abuser, well, I have no difficulty in the thought of doing something to him that could have me thrown in jail. Perhaps it is hard for you to be angry because maybe you haven't quite accepted the whole extent of the harm your perp has done to you. When we were kids, we denied that their intentions were malicious. "they love me, they would hurt me like that". Denial is a defense mechanism to protect us because as children, we are not equiped to deal with our bodies, minds, and souls being violated. I don't know who your abuser was, but I do know that he or she knew right from wrong. They can try to justify it by saying, "they were having a rough time in life, or they didn't know better". If your abuser was younger at the time of the abuse, How bout "we were just kids" or coming from an adult abuser "it was out of love". These are the biggest cop outs invented to man. Think about that individual doing that to a grown up and using those lines. Only a child can fall for that and a child you were. That child still lives inside of you and he wants you to listen to him. Love him, respect him, and protect him, he is all that you are. Now, picture your perp trying to put his hands on him. Then, you might want to try writing down how that makes you feel. Believe me, you will be able to get pissed at him, and the feeling is empowering.

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

#40633 - 12/05/05 07:51 PM Re: why cant I get angry
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
anger has saved me many a times, when defending myself would have seemed inappropriate. What might have seemed like a minor event for someone else seems a big thing to me, that is because my heightened sense of reality. So the way out is that the more I tune in to my feeling the more I clear them up, I have ignored them for so long that we feel odd not responding to a anger inducing episode in my life, but still I still feel I can't, I say, no I shouldn't, it would seem inappropriate!
BUt then comes along an anger that I cannot no longer supress and so I am saved. as far as finding balance is concerned I am quite clueless there for I haven't fixed yet my boundaries yet, for I still mixed up with people who appear loving but turn out to be hurtful in the long run, and I still find myself saying, "O he is no that bad at all!" Boy when will I learn?
I cannot understand why cannot I say no to relationship which I feel are not enriching why do I feel I will left alone If I let go of this one person who is harming me or doesn't make me feel good about my self???

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#40634 - 12/05/05 07:58 PM Re: why cant I get angry
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Just remembered that even today in situations when I should be feeling extremely hurt and hence angry, I freeze, just like as I did when I was a child.
Perhaps I shutdown rather than handling the emotional surge.

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#270840 - 01/11/09 09:28 PM Re: why cant I get angry [Re: Morning Star]
Puzzled Offline

Registered: 08/30/08
Posts: 18
After reading everyones posts I couldn,t help but cry because I just had this talk with a friend yesterday (way can,t I get angry at my brother for SB me from 9 to 11)I spent the first part of my life dealing with the abuse and I will spend the second part of my life recovering from it. For me its all what you all said self esteem,denial etc. etc. etc. I know it will come but I don,t want to spend the energy on him because if I focus my time on that it could further distroy me.I don,t want to live with hate in my heart. I have a good relationship with GOD and he is guiding me. Good Luck your all in my prayers.

#270866 - 01/11/09 11:39 PM Re: why cant I get angry [Re: Puzzled]
Riley Offline

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 599
Loc: USA
Thank you guys,

I`m just starting to deal with the fact that my brother molested me and no matter how hard I try I just can`t muster up anger at him, at least not enough to stay angry. In fact I have a somewhat "normal" adult sibling relationship with him. I`ll see him maybe once a month or so and we`ll get some drinks or something. We never discuss what happened and I don`t think he thinks I remember. Is this a healthy relationship with an abuser? I am no where near ready to confront him, I think he would feel bad and I don`t want to pass my agony on to him. I`m glad I stumbled upon this post.

P.S. I feel as though I am where Dan88 was. Still partially in denial and have not fully convinced myself I`m worth getting mad over.

Edited by Riley (01/11/09 11:43 PM)

#270867 - 01/11/09 11:45 PM Re: why cant I get angry [Re: Riley]
Trucker51 Offline

Registered: 05/21/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to our support site Riley. I think that you will find that we are a caring and supportive bunch of guys who are all working towards a common goal. We are all working together to find our freedom from our past. Keep coming back and keep trying, and you too will be able to find your freedom.

Have hope,


"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark

#270877 - 01/12/09 01:41 AM Re: why cant I get angry [Re: Trucker51]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
hi riley.

I really hope you find some peace from this site.

personally, for me it's always felt that anger would be senseless.

It may be that I was casually abused by kids at school, so maybe this differs from people who were abused by friends or family members, but i've always been of the position that what happened to me was simply something that naturally happened which I hd no power to stop.

like an earthquake, ---- or more accurately, like a virus, sinse it involved my body doing things and being in completely different places from my mind.

While I've felt a lot of anger at myself for not getting over this, being angry at my abusers just doesn't make any sense to me at all, ---- it's just not an association.

While I've been exploring the effects of what was said and done to me, and what they've cost me, I've just not run into any anger at all for some reason.

I think alex, my point is that everyone goes through things differently, and thinking that there are things you "should" be feeling, or a set process you should go through just doesn't sound to me like something which would be helpful.

Of course, if you find anger, ---- and the way your first post read with talking about wanting your abuser's suffering to begin and your use of the F word (not a problem, ---- just something that sounds to me like strong emotion), I wouldn't be surprised if you do start feelling that anger, ---- but if not, don't worry.

#270979 - 01/12/09 07:40 PM . [Re: dark empathy]
bardo213 Offline

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 812

Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 11:07 PM)

#271006 - 01/12/09 11:15 PM Re: why cant I get angry [Re: bardo213]
KENKEN Offline

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762

A great post and great responses. All I can offer is every situation is so different. Anger does take time, but for me it was the anger against my perp. brother also that helped in my healing.

I always thought that because he was my brother I HAD to love him. I felt like it was a duty. I tried so hard to look at the sexual abuse he inflicted on me for over 5 years as something bad, discusting and evil on my little "inner child", but not me, the adult.

It was not until I confronted him last August that the ANGER against him "set In". His lack of response, his lack of remorse, his lack of responsibility for what he did to me really set me off. Like so many other Male Survivors I felt guilt, shame and responsibility for some of the abuse. I let it happen, so I thought.

Because of his lack of response to me, I have let the anger out and I feel so Much Better. I have "moved on" with my healing and my brother is now an unknown to me.

Like all my friends and support, they knew eventually I would rage inside. It just took me longer to see it. But in time I think you too will find that anger and rage. What was done to us is not OK. It is wrong, It is a burdern we carry for ever. It is unfair. But we will survive.

Thats the way I look at it.

Best to you.



From the Movie: Antwone Fisher


#271025 - 01/13/09 02:17 AM Re: why cant I get angry [Re: Riley]
joelRT Offline

Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada

Welcome to MS. I hope you find here, everything that you've been looking for elsewhere.

My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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