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#406107 - 08/07/12 05:54 PM How do I encourage please help.
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
So my husband has been go to a therapist who doesn't know what they are doing.(been about 6 mths)He hasn't told her about the CSA and she just seems to let him come in and vent, not guide his healing. We talked and he said maybe he should switch therapists. So I got online and found one who works with CSA and his issues. I told him about it and said he should make an appt. He just said he didn't know and would think about it. I'm freaking out because I don't know how much longer I can keep my sanity without him getting some real help. He said my face get really sad when he said this and he grabbed me and gave me a hug and "Hey! I will think about it, okay?" I said yeah and just kind of walked away.

So my question is how long do I let him chew on it before I bring it up? What are some things I can say to help encourage him to get help. I know that he wants to heal but is really scared of all those feelings he has on lockdown. I have told him I will be here no matter what. Told him I love him no matter what.
But I feel that he has to get help or I think I might go crazy.
Everything comes from within

#406118 - 08/07/12 07:34 PM Re: How do I encourage please help. [Re: HD001]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
This was me.

You can't do anything, nothing more than you have. I know it sucks to hear - but you gave him the info. For me, what finally happened is that I put my foot down. These were my needs, my expectations. He could take thim or leave them. If he wanted to get healthy, here was a list of things I had found online - and that's that. His choice. I never brought it up again.

Trust me, you can force him - but you end up in a worse situation - one where it isn't his healing, he doesn't own anything and he resents you for pushing.

#406124 - 08/07/12 08:41 PM Re: How do I encourage please help. [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Yeah I know that you are right. I just wish that you weren't. I have to figure out a way to deal with the stress. I find myself not even wanting to have sex with him because I worry so much about getting pregnant (yes we are using protection). I can't imagine trying to be a good mom right now. I can't eat very well when I do I just get sick. I can barley hold it together at work and not cry all over my clients(I'm a hair stylist). Its so hard to watch someone you love be miserable. I want to go to his parents but I think that will just make things worse. In some ways this is just as hard on me as it was 10 years ago when I was facing my own CSA. I actually got down on my knees and begged god to help me. I hope he does because I can't do this much longer. Thank you for you honest response. Some days I feel strong but today is not one of those days.
Everything comes from within

#406127 - 08/07/12 09:40 PM Re: How do I encourage please help. [Re: HD001]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Are you in therapy for yourself? Having some structured guidance of your own is pretty crucial for your own sanity. Hate to say it, but you are not going to find all the answers online. We support you fully, but you should find someone you can talk to on your own,

#406137 - 08/07/12 11:33 PM Re: How do I encourage please help. [Re: HD001]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Esposa and Valkyrie have given you pristine guidance. The more you learn, the more confidence you'll gain and the stronger you'll become. That strength will help you detatch from his suffering.

Having to start all over again with another therapist is excruciating. We've had terrible luck with counselors, too, but just like you wouldn't give up searching for an MD to treat your cancer, you/he can't give up on this either. And it IS a cancer. It will eat you alive.

It doesn't sound like you want to leave, but that you are feeling such frustration that the thought is occurring to you. Sometimes leaving is the best thing in the world for you both. If his inaction is causing you too much grief, you might need to leave for a time in order to regroup.

I imagine you might be a bit angry that you did the hard thing and dealt with your own personal CSA trauma, and expect he should do the same. That would certainly be a valid feeling. Are you angry?

Please throw it out here, HD. Get it off of your chest. Val is right; we understand and are here for you, but a counselor for you own self would be in order.

To lighten the mood a bit, I just want to say WOW!!! Your guy wants to have sex???????? wink

Sending hugs your way!

For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#406205 - 08/08/12 04:56 PM Re: How do I encourage please help. [Re: HD001]
HD001 Offline

Registered: 07/30/12
Posts: 276
Loc: us
Thank you for all of your responses,
Yes I should see a therapist, I am thinking about getting a second job so that I can pay for it. I live in a college town and heard about some affordable therapy through the school, so I will be looking onto that as well.
I also have an amazing Mom who watched me struggle for 15 years with my CSA she knows everything that is going on and I call her a lot and say "MOM how did you do this? HOw did you live with me when I was like this? Help!" she loves my husband and understands the effects of CSA, and has been an awesome support.
So now for the ugly, Yeah I'm mad, I'm furious. I wrote a poem the other day about feeling like a volcano. Some days I want to pull all the dishes out of my cupboards and smash them. I want to "hulk smash" my furniture, and scream like 2 year old. But I don't. I just wait until he leaves and play my guitar and yell lyrics at the walls. Because although I'm hurt and frustrated with my husband, I'm not angry with him. I'm angry with is parents for being so blind to their child's suffering, I'm angry at the neighbor girl who took advantage of him when he was only 12. I'm angry at his first girlfriend who emotionally abused him and chased him around the house with a knife. And most of all I'm angry at the man who raped him when he was a little boy.
After I found out that the abuse was so much worse than I had imagined, it was just last week, I was so angry I couldn't sleep. I just lied in bed and thought about what I would do this guy if I could get my hands on him. It was horrible stuff that I would never really do but I was just so furious. I wrote a letter for myself about what I would do to this monster so that all that ugly rage could go live on that paper and get out of me. It helped a little. I'm also mad because I fought my war with the abuse demon. I got it off my back and thought it was out of my life, and now here it is again laughing at me. Only this time I'm not afraid, but alas this time it also isn't my war.
On a lighter note,
Yes my husband wants to have sex (although a lot less often since all this abuse stuff has started coming to the surface).
However, a lot of the time he is a distant lover and I feel like sex is something he just wants to get done. Earlier In our relationship I kept encouraging him to slow down and just enjoy the ride. But back then I didn't realize that the way he is in the bedroom is probably due to CSA and not the he is just in a rush. DUH! You would think I would still remember what it was like for me back then. I still have a lot to learn I guess.
Everything comes from within


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