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#40597 - 04/24/05 01:59 AM Where I'm at- long, rambling
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I only recently found this site. Not sure where to begin, maybe with where I知 at? I知 38. I suffered SA from my mother, till I was 8 or 9, which I only just realized a couple of weeks ago. When I was 10 or 11 my second perp started grooming me, he was 14 or 15. Maybe I値l put that in a separate post.
I live alone in a tiny studio apartment. In the last 17 years I致e held a series of low paying dead end jobs, right now I致e been unemployed for 6 months. I haven稚 had much confidence to look for work. I spend most of my time alone. I知 depressed a lot of the time.
I致e never been in a relationship, never dated, never had sex with a woman, never kissed anyone, male or female. I only have a few friends, but no close friends, I致e never told anyone about my past. I知 afraid to get close to people, to let my guard down. I thought I was gay for a long time, now maybe I知 bi. I never 田ame out, never felt any 組ay pride. In my late 20痴 I experimented with anonymous sex, cruising the campus library. Every three or four months I壇 have a brief encounter, a hand-job is the crude term, a few times I tried oral. I壇 feel shame and self-loathing after. About 3 years ago I discovered I had herpes, both genital and oral, and went into an even deeper depression. I haven稚 had any kind of sexual contact since then.
I have a fear of intimacy, of being vulnerable. I can稚 handle people who try to control me, when I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me I get freaked out.
I don稚 know how to give receive hugs, or any kind of friendly physical contact. I misinterpret it, either it feels like a violation and it creeps me out, or if it痴 someone I知 attracted to, I think maybe it means more than it does.
In high school and college I壇 have these huge crushes on my friends, but I never said anything, didn稚 share my feelings. Except sometimes I壇 be way too needy and they壇 pull away.
I tried therapy for a short time in college, it was free at the student health center and my family didn稚 have to know. The therapist was trying to get me to work toward coming out, but I didn稚 feel ready to be that open. At the first meeting I told him I壇 been celibate for the past several years. He kind of smiled, acted surprised, 登h really? 釦hat bothered me. I think I went 8 or 9 times, then spring term ended. We didn稚 discuss my abuse. I didn稚 resume in the fall. Later I saw him coming out of campus library men痴 room. We exchanged a couple of sentences, I don稚 remember. Sometimes I see him around town and ignore him.
When I was 21 or 22 I found myself attracted to one of my friend痴 girlfriends, which confused me. I had a crush on her. She was a very grounded person, very supportive, empathetic (is that a word?) attractive, and funny. Most of the time I have a negative reaction to female affection, but not with her, though a hug is all we ever shared. She finished school, left for grad school with her boyfriend.
My parents are like the parents on the tv show Everybdy Loves Raymond, except they池e not funny. Overbearing controlling mom, spineless emotionally distant father. I have an older brother, most of my childhood memories are of him tormenting me, beating me up, berating me. He痴 a successful republican business owner now, I talk to him as little as possible.
Reading this over I seem pretty pathetic, I guess I live in denial most of the time. I posted in this forum mostly because I wanted more people to read it. I値l probably put future postings in the Gay forum, though it doesn稚 seem to be visited that much.

Thanks for reading my rambling post,

-Eric

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#40598 - 04/24/05 11:00 PM Re: Where I'm at- long, rambling
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eric
I think you're possibly in the right forum, for now at least. Feeling confusion over our sexual orientation is a common problem for Survivors, and I think that we should do the work for our abuse first, then we're in a better place to finally decide our orientation.

Part of that work on the abuse does need to include therapy, in my view anyway, and that therapy should be done by someone who specialises in, or has very good knowledge of, the problems of Survivors.

I found that over 30 years of trying to 'cure' myself all I had actually done was go around in ever decreasing circles. All I did was get worse.
Therapy didn't give me a 'cure', but it did lead me to think differently and find new answers to my old questions.

It's not easy, but it's worth the effort.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#40599 - 06/25/05 07:30 PM Re: Where I'm at- long, rambling
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Thanks for the feedback, and thank you to those that sent PM's.

I posted, and then I lurked for awhile, and then I stayed away for awhile.
Thinking about dealing with my SA, it feels like a mountain I really don't want to climb. But I can't
get away from it, can't go around it, can't get out of it's shadow. I'm trying to remember I
don't have to do it all at once.
I'm glad this site is here (tho' I wish it didn't have to be), it's a good reality check for me to see I'm not the only one who
feels like I do.
I'm leaving for a few days to visit my family, including my mom, which will be strange. I
haven't confronted her about her actions, not sure when, or if, I will. I'll try to post sometime next week.

take care

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

Top
#40600 - 06/25/05 07:51 PM Re: Where I'm at- long, rambling
Sinking Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/03
Posts: 577
Loc: Took my ball and went home.
Hi Eric - I noticed that your original post was on April 24th (my birthday!), then nothing since then.

I wanted to take the opportunity to welcome you since I missed your first post. Reading through what you wrote. I felt like I could have written it myself, for the most part. Only real differences are that I have managed to maintain a long-term relationship with my wife of 20 years. And while my sexual abusers were not family, I was physically and emotionally and psychologically abused by both parents. A domineering mother and spineless, drunk, violent father.

Many of our experiences as survivors are eerily similar, cookie-cutter almost. I don't know if you've read it, but Victims No Longer by Mike Lew is a book that helped me tremendously when I was first coming to terms with my abuse. It showed me that my responses to my abuse were things that I had been kicking myself for, for years. Acting out sexually, drinking and drugging, difficulty with trust and relationships. I too thought I had 'crushes' on my friends in school, male and female. But that was just a response to not understanding what true affection is. I used to get all weirded out by hugs and physical acts of affection, always thinking someone wanted more from me.

These things can pass over time, but they require a lot of work. And I whole heartedly agree with LLoydy with regard to therapy. A therapist who is well versed in the aftermath of child sex abuse can be of great help. I will ALWAYS be forever grateful for my therapist. She has helped me make sense of the seemingly non-sensical.

I hope to see you post more, when you're comfortable doing it. Sharing with others, others who know what you're going through, can ease many burdens. And always feel free to PM me, I'm a good listener.

Peace, for now - John


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#40601 - 06/25/05 11:33 PM Re: Where I'm at- long, rambling
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Eric
glad to see you came back, maybe it's time to climb that mountain?

Support is always helpful, actually it's essential, so let us guys here act as your own personal Sherpa.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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