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#405506 - 08/01/12 01:58 PM Question from a supporter wanting input from survi
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2711
Loc: durham, north england

This isn't actually my question, but Lucylives asked me in This topic from the friends and family side to please post her question in this part of the forum sinse she very much would like responses from survivers on this issue, ---- and so this is what I'm doing here.

My appologies to any of the mods if this is against the forum rules in some way.

Lucy says:

My husband shared with me how the thoughts of his abuse are very arousing to him.
I know this is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation but he doesn't.
He feels such tremendous shame about this. When involved in sex these intrusive
thoughts come and f*(& him up.
He also feels tremendous shame because he masturbated to the abuse memories and
acted it out with other men.
Please tell of your experiences and thoughts on this, survivors, so I can share them
with him.
(Spouses are welcoe too.)

#405810 - 08/04/12 12:21 PM Re: Question from a supporter wanting input from survi [Re: dark empathy]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hey dark, thank you for supporting our supporters.

Lucy, that your husband shared this is remarkable. Sex is the ultimate coping mechanism, and to risk it to disclose, to heal.., well that is remarkable. Wish him much success, it sounds like you and he are on the right path.

Acting out, allowing ourselves to quell the surges, those terrible extreme emotions that contort and overwhelm us is a survivor impulse, nothing more. It would be like a man dying of a terrible wasting disease, coming across a half used hypodermic needle with what he perceives to be the cure, and injecting it into his arm... over and over throughout his life. It is surviving, and we do what we can to delay the destruction that is promised through abuse. Do not be ashamed of what you have done, what your supporter has forgiven you, it is in the past, and it is done. Keep healing. Healing is here, albeit a slow process. You are reaching out for healthy affirmation, for clues how to process the abuse, minimize the feelings and find the one man among all those broken men inside you, the one you want to be, and strengthen him to be present.

The thoughts, memories and feelings of the abuse and the shame of acting out will continue to present themselves. When they do, whether during sex, masturbation, in the shower, online or power washing the back deck, know that you can slow the avalanche of despair, you can show yourself compassion, you can put the needle down. The abuse that overwhelmed you you now can slow, and even stop. Look at yourself in a mirror, and pretend that you are looking at your abused, hurt self. With soft eyes, smile. Touch the face in the mirror, tell him you are sorry terrible things have happened to him, tell him you really care and will never leave him. Linger in support.

When these memories and the shame present themselves, stop. Look into the lovely eyes of your wife, feel the weight of your feet, your hands, feel the texture of fabric, the freshness of a cool breath. Name some of the things in the room, a lamp, the color of the curtains. Stay in the present, for in the present, you have no shame, you have done nothing wrong and you pursue healing recovery. In the present and into the future, you can have hope that soon, you will free yourself, and support your supporter.

It is coming,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#405956 - 08/06/12 05:33 AM Re: Question from a supporter wanting input from survi [Re: dark empathy]
Tedure Offline

Registered: 04/17/09
Posts: 204
Loc: Utah
Sam what a great response!! You are right on.

The imprinting (the abusive sexual template) will never go away. In fact it seems as strong for me today, 40+ years later, as it was when I was nine…It’s a memory… It’s the dragon. What has changed is my ability to “step back” from it, to counter it, to name the color of the curtains, to lesson my emotional reaction to it, to replace it with something better (a new sexual template), to ignore it, to focus on my vision of a good life, and to know that God is my loving Father and that He has been with me from the very beginning.

However, I was left with my heterosexual desires and heterosexual life that also mingles with the sexual template of raw sexual energy first experienced and imprinted by another male when I was a child. This paradox haunted me for years. However, knowing where the desires and the sexual template came from is empowering. Understanding the truth and knowing my true identity has helped me resolve this paradox to some degree. It is manageable and worth it!!

Love & Respect, Ted
When you change the way you look at things the things you look at change.

#405967 - 08/06/12 07:56 AM Re: Question from a supporter wanting input from survi [Re: dark empathy]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
Dear Sam and Ted, thank you guys for your thoughts on this topic. I'll need to print out this thread and to read it occasionally.
I need to stay in present at any cost even it is difficult sometimes, I've already made such decision and failed more than couple of times - thank you Sam for tips.
Ted - thanks for reminding us that imprinting will stay present in our lives for long time and that we have to learn how to manage it.
My story


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