I have been going through many issues lately--from torment, to facing the past, uncovering lost time,dealing with medical issues for my mom and trying to heal while this is going on. I have bad day and good day. I have been reading Surviving Your Serengeti by Stefan Swanepoel. It relates to the survival skills used by the animals that occupy the largest ecosystem in the world--undisturbed for two million years. The skills have survived centuries and are evidenced each day. The survival skills are unique to each animal--from the efficient cheetah, the strategic lion, the risk taking mongoose, enterprising crocodile to the communicating elephant. We as human exhibit these same survival skills--as children with CSA we survived by dissociating, denial or pretending it did not occur, as the memories awoke we turned to other surviving or coping mechanisms to take us through life--not always good for those around us or for ourselves--but survival was our goal to survive/cope with the past. As we heal, we adopt new coping/survival skills-learning to love ourselves and facing the past--the good and bad. We learn to value ourselves--
I had to go to Connecticut to attend to some medical issues for my Mom--elderly and experiencing advancing dementia. I could see the loss of her memory and her need to try to mitigate or pretend it was not happening. It is her attempt to remain in the here and now. We all adapt survival skills.
I was so moved by the thought of survival and need to heal. I took time to drive past the perps home. It was a telling trip. There was a severe storm, trees were down and I traveled the GPS route, but the roads were closed. I did not give up--I sought an alternative route. I made it there--I had anger, hate, fear, and that part of me who still feels special--so many mixed emotions. The house was dark, it was garbage day and the garbage was not out--I surmised he was not home. I noticed the house looked sad as I began to cry--definitely sad looking for such a sad person. It eased some of the pain. I was overtaken and began to feel myself drifting--I drove away and had to stop, I was was physically sick--I threw up and the tears I could not stop. A car passing stopped and asked if I was alright, I said just a bad stomach. I left and had lingering thoughts why I could not see him--but probably better I did not this time.
I had time to reflect and then I came home, and it all began again--the events may have happened but I do not know--I try to uncover the lost time and know my child believed love was abuse and abuse was love, but each time the attacks begin the more I retreat--more pushing me into the dark place of feeling trapped and violated. More sad people I realize-sad they create violation of a human life like the perp and a sense of me being trapped in the dark cellar and room--over and over-their coping skills to dominate and control.
But today I have a good sense of the need to survive.
Edited by KMCINVA (08/04/12 09:24 PM)