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#404850 - 07/26/12 05:53 AM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
(((Silent))) and (((Short)))-

I don't often fall into sobs on MS, but your pain is so searing, I have been scorched.

Any words I want to offer will merely sound like platitudes, but I am compelled to reach out to you both as a sister who knows of the path you're on.

Please, please find some support for yourselves. Yeah, I know, that's a tall order because there simply isn't much support for us (wives).

I don't know exactly what you're stuggling most with, but for me, my husband's sexual acting out with prostitutes, an adult family member, compulsive masturbation, alcohol abuse, and I don't know what else has consumed my very soul. Sexual addiction and dysfunction in a spouse is a bloody nightmare that seems to have no end- especially if they won't fully embrace help and recovery. So, sweet souls, save yourselves. In doing so, you may save him. is a site that has been very helpful for me. There you will be in the company of spouses who are trying to stay afloat in the midst of it all. You'll work through "workshops", which are lessons that not only teach you about the inner-workings of sexual abuse, addiction and dysfunction, but will help you discover your long-buried values so you can rediscover and put in place boundaries that will allow you to end the cycle of the hamster wheel you're stuck in.

The underlying question that echoes thought our hearts is, "Do I stay or do I go?". Recovery Nation will help you figure that out.

My situation has no bearing on yours, but I will tell you that I've stayed. But I only stayed because my husband dug in and began recovery. He gave up drinking, which allowed him to think clearly. He came here to MS and found his own story in the stories of the other survivors. He got a counselor and has a growing understanding of the damage done to him. With understanding he could embrace honesty. With honesty came discussion. With discussion came compassion. And trust is taking root.

There is nothing you and your husbands can't overcome. And if your husbands won't join you, then there is nothing you can't overcome on your own.

This too shall pass. It really will.

I send you my love and prayers-

For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#404865 - 07/26/12 01:52 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
silentspouse Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
Me too, Shortieg. I've let go a lot of female friends because I can't stand hearing about their very normal problems. It's not their fault, but it sucks the energy out of me to smile and nod my head while all the while I'm thinking, "this is nothing. You want something to complain about? Listen to this....!"

My support system here is pretty pitiful because my husband isn't ready to disclose to people. So I carry his secrets, too. I don't blame him, it's just how it is right now.

Our Pastor has been very respectful and compassionate. When I told him how alone I felt, he said, "If you only knew the things I know. So many people are struggling with problems right now."

It was meant to be reassuring, but it served to reinforce to me how ostracized and alone male victims of CSA and their spouses are.

If our "big problem" was cancer, my Pastor would have given me names of other church members that had been though that process that I could talk to. We may have gotten together and discussed treatment plans, side effects, doctor referrals, etc. But because it's CSA, our problems are automatically secretive.

We have little girls, age 7 and 9. Sometimes when I think I have the courage to leave, I think about them and how that will alter their world forever. My husband is a good father. Protective, loving, active in their lives. I don't know how I could look at them and tell them we were getting a divorce, knowing it was ME that wasn't willing to do the work.

Last night I told my husband, "Everyone just assumes I'm capable of dealing with this. Nobody has asked me if I really AM capable."

I'm a believer, and I don't think God has forgotten about us. I just think He's absent right now. Like when you call someone and their cell phone drops out, so you keep talking not knowing that they aren't on the other end of the line. Just absent.

#404866 - 07/26/12 01:56 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
silentspouse Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID

Thank you for your kind words. My introduction in the introduction forum is called "Brief History & Introduction".

I will check out Recovery Nation.

My husband will be in recovery for 8 months on August 6th. He's trying his best and he is very committed. But he gets overwhelmed, and so do I. The question "stay or go" is so much harder BECAUSE he's trying his best in recovery. If he were still acting out and in denial, my choice would be easier. My guilt comes from knowing that I'm still not happy even when he's trying his best.

Thanks for your help.

#404908 - 07/26/12 08:22 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
shortieg Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Herowannabee. Silent. Thanks for the kind words and you are right, it does come down to do I stay or do I go? I sometimes wonder that when he tells me he needs me to stay, if that's just a line or if he truly for his well being needs me to stay?

I too have the same guilt silent, it haunts me daily that i know he is trying hut im still not happy. My husband did join this site, and i really hope he embraces the people on here. He needs help and so do i, I hope through our trials and stories we may help each other..

I too let go of alot of my friends.. For the mere fact of when they told me struggles, I felt like you.. And also when they talked about their love life.. It made me burst into tears every time.
My husband has just the opposite, he wants nothing to do with sex, emotional or physical intimacy, but he has his fetishes he is sometimes ok with. This hurts me in so many ways, because for years I felt like we could only play around his way, there has never been a moment of passion or true love making.. Its always been an act or playing his way.
i just want one moment of passion with him...also, sorry for the horrid spelling.. Im on my phone and its hard to see the screen.

Edited by shortieg (07/26/12 08:33 PM)

#404919 - 07/26/12 10:45 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
silentspouse Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 24
Loc: ID
When I went to my first 12 step meeting, the gal greeted me with the phrase, "We're glad to meet you and sorry you're here!"

That's how I feel right now. I'm so happy to meet you all and so sorry we're here. To know I'm not alone with this guilt and grief is such a comfort.

#404921 - 07/26/12 11:10 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
shortieg Offline

Registered: 07/24/12
Posts: 58
Amen to that.

#404943 - 07/27/12 01:00 AM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
I've never felt so confused, hurt, consumed AND loved online before. smile

I'd say EVER, but my 12 step program is my first love that way. wink Who could hate a club that's so focused on moving at your own pace and doesn't kick people out?

:: HUGS ::

#405546 - 08/01/12 08:32 PM Re: And Now for the partners [Re: whome]
FishmanofRI Offline

Registered: 06/30/12
Posts: 13
Thanks ladies for sharing your feelings and sharing your compassion and stories.

I know I should be relieved that I am out of the situation - although it wasn't the way I ever imagined it would be. The hurt and pain and loneliness still lingers. Unemployed, with my "benefits" ending in just 10 days ... then what?? No job, no purpose, no income and no one to love and be loved by ... Still pray every day ... I just don't know anymore.

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