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#405376 - 07/31/12 10:59 AM Gay relatonship
stefalc1 Offline

Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
Hi all

My story is one that is good And somewhat bad.this is not my first time here as I was helped here a few years ago when first facing my abuse, which really was a place of comfort.
After being here I realised a few things had to be addressed so for the second attempt I sought counselling, I spent 7 long months talking out the whole topic of families , abuser and my general life . I'm happy to say it put me in a good place and I have achieved much and became a very strong person. I'm a lot calmer and relate better to people generally. However this is where I need advice or opinions.

Throughout all those years of dwelling over stuff , being emotionally vulnerable and not trusting and hiding things , I always had gay feelings, I lways suppressed them believing it was attached to the abuse. Throughout my counselling eveerytime I bought these feelings into conversation the counsellor would put them to the side when on topic of abuse. I found this to be a little frustrating as I wanted to address this issue , it wasn't till the counselling finished that I started to wonder why these were unanswered.

It then hit me , I was a strong person after therapy and I could think v clearly and look at myself in ways I couldn't before. I split with gf who supported and still supports me , we decided we had done our journey and it was better to be friends. Which I have to say was the best decision we made.

I was still thinking about my sexuality and decided I wanted to have the conversation with someone I could trust, yes my ex gf, I suggested I had gay feelings, but was unsure if I was gay or bi . Her reply was remarkable she just sat there and said"I always thought u were bi" I was shocked .

I decided it was time to find out, I had tried stuff years ago and absolutely hated it yet still had urges. As it was on that weekend she encouraged me to go
To Pride which was on that day .

To cut a v long story short , I went , loved it and it felt the right place to be, over the next couple of months I experimented and decided I was bi and came out to the world. This went very well and was completely accepted by family and friends.

After couple of months playing around I met a bf who I'm just about with now. This is where I need advice !

He is the kindest guy, but he has v big probs from his childhood, he tries to drink his issues away , when he is drunk he gets aggressive, it winds him up that my family and friends all accept him yet the mentality of his family know he is gay but it is a
Taboo topic. This therefore eats him up and he takes this out on me.

Recently we had a massive fight , with him attacking me , I have never started a physical fight in my life , I will always defend my self. Although I have never punched him back , on his occasion I caught his fist and nearly broke his
Knuckles , this scared men as I started to think things were escalating. I ended it
Explaining that next time he is aggressive I could hurt him more. Two weeks have passed and it is v clear that this relationship needs work , I want to support him , he has arranged therapy , but I don't want to be on the defensive, I
Need ideas for getting him to talk his issues over with me so he doesn't bottle them up and all explodes at once .

#405392 - 07/31/12 04:10 PM Re: Gay relatonship [Re: stefalc1]
Afldman Offline

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest

First, welcome is nice to have this resource when we need it, eh?
Second, a HUGE congrats on having the strength, fortitude, and inner peace it takes to honestly address your sexuality. I have a few friends who are gay and I know how hard it was for them (at least from the perspective I had).

As for your first thought was time, distance and shielding. If this is a relationship that you hope will last, and the two of you are able to speak open and honestly, then the two of you should be able to survive that. Don't get me wrong, don't abandon and wait for him to clean up his issues. He's going to need you.

BUT, and this is big....I believe (from my personal experience) that sometimes a survivor who has emerged through the hell and is well on the road to recovery, might not be exactly what the other needs...especially when we're talking intimate relations. Myriad of potential reasons for this...assumptions by both parties on the others role, the process, etc.

I guess what I'm saying is to be careful but be there for him.

And if it does start to escalate physically (not in the good way of course) time, distance and shielding!

Good luck, and good on you!

Edited by Afldman (07/31/12 04:11 PM)
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

#405402 - 07/31/12 06:18 PM Re: Gay relatonship [Re: stefalc1]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle
This is the recurring topic we deal with over in F&F. There is a slight twist here because your man is self-hating and destructive due to his sexuality and the lack of acceptance he feels. But regardless if these unhealthy behaviours stem from abuse, unresolved sexuality issues or another trauma, the solutions is always the same. I encourage you to read the F&F forums. Read what Haps has to say about his partner.

Here's what everyone always says to the partner: You cannot fix him or make him heal, You can only love, encourage and accept.

Pete's right you need to assert your barriers. As survivors we are used to having our boundaries violated. That is the nature of our abuse. You need to establish your barriers ASAP. These are must-haves for all healthy relationships, not special for you. Tell him you want to be with him but your participation in the relationship comes with essential needs you must see him fulfill. This is key for your emotional health moving forward. That is why they're essential.
1) Obviously, no violence.
2) It's good he's "arranged" therapy. Follow up, make sure it happens. Ask how its going, in general. The first therapist isn't always best.
3) Demand an end to exessive drinking. I had deep issues and I was a mean drunk. Without booze fueling my rage I was at least reasonable.

These are things you need. These aren't wants. In return you will offer your love, acceptance, support, help... All the things that make life bearable. He's getting a great deal. He needs to be smart enough to see that.

#405435 - 08/01/12 01:31 AM Re: Gay relatonship [Re: stefalc1]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
Hey Stefalc -

I'll echo the comments about my congratulations on your progress...actually, my reaction was more like, "Wow!" Yeah, well done mate!

And I'll second ScottyG's, "I spent a lot of time re-enacting the familiar in my life and I kept getting the same result." Nothing to be ashamed of. But I've found if it's destructive - especially to my recovery - I'll go in another direction, which is sometimes painful, but better for me in the long run.

Had a similar situation years ago with a bf who tried to hit me. I grabbed his hand and simply said, "No." Stopped it all real quick. But the situation didn't improve, I tossed him out - knowing there would be "social" consequences - and did my best to move on. He died ten years ago. His mother, however, related to me that he'd always regretted the way he treated me. He was a manipulator, so I don't know if his sentiment was genuine.

What I'd done in the subsequent years was to refurbish a house and explore the Pacific Rim. To be brutually honest, "Living well is the best revenge." I'd sometimes wished he could have been with me on that journey.

It's a measure of your progress, imo, you've stood up to the violence. The hardest thing may be resisting the urge to try to "fix" him. He simply may not be ready.

A friend of mine - an addiction counselor no less - has been in a relationship of sorts with a crackhead who's verbally and emotionally abusive and takes financial advantage every chance he can. And my friend has tried to "fix" him for 18 months. End result thus far is that many of us are so damned sick of hearing about the latest chapter in the crackhead drama - not that we haven't told him - we just avoid him because he doesn't get it and won't let this guy take responsibility for his own actions.

I suppose my point is that your own recovery is still the priority...whatever you need to do to protect it. It's a kind of selfishness that's actually GOOD.

And, by doing that, you may actually be helping him by letting him reach his own bottom.


#405538 - 08/01/12 07:20 PM Re: Gay relatonship [Re: stefalc1]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2174
Hi Stefalc1,

Welcome back to MS.

I am very happy that you have reached a good place in your healing.

The guys have given you very good advice.

You must institute boundaries.

But I would make one change. Instead of saying "no excessive drinking" I would say "no drinking."

What "excessive" may mean to you may mean something very different to him. To avoid any ambiguity, make your statement very clear.

You must not, under any circumstances, allow him to be violent. That is not acceptable behavior. He must know he is not allowed to act out his pain and his rage.

Until he gets himself under better control you may have to keep physical distance between the two of you. Your safety cannot be jeopardized. I know you do not want to hurt him while you are defending yourself. You should not be in a position of having to defend yourself. He needs to learn that violence is not the way to express his feelings. You are not his punching bag.

He may have "arranged" to see a therapist, but is he actually going? Have you considered asking him to go to 12 step meetings to help with the drinking? Others here have noted that many who are in 12 step programs for drinking and drug abuse have also been sexually abused.

It is difficult to watch the one we love be in pain and struggle with the feelings and memories. You cannot fix him nor do the hard work for him.

Your love and support are immeasurable to him, even if he does not yet realize it.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.


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