I would like to share whit you and be a little part of your life, in no way I impose on you. I just stumble on here (Ms) and read a part of your life the one you mention about the film “Ordinary People”. I am French speaking so please don’t look at my spelling ok. But if you don’t understand fell at ease to ask me and I will do my best as for you you understand me ok.
In no way I want to make you upset and you be trigger about things. Yes I had to look around the meaning of the word “triggers”. I would hum well I would like to share what did append in my life if in a way it can help you. See I was abuse (sexually) by my dad from age 10 to 15. I knew something was not normal and at age 15 I got real mad at my dad and told him to stop abusing me. 15 Days after that he committed suicide.
Conrad feels very sad about the loss of his brother and he says "you just make one mistake and..." to which Dr Berger says, "And what was the one mistake you made? You know!" and "Let yourself off the hook!"
Conrad's answer "I stayed with the boat." He survived...
Is that why I get so tearful watching that scene? Is it because doing what I had to do to survive was my only "mistake"? Maybe something even deeper, not sure. But boy 25+ years later it still hits me hard.
As of today I know I did not do a mistake. I really did love my dad and I still do Jim. I really understand what you are saying. We stay behind and watch life as if we were the responsible ones. How did I got better is that I have just finish a therapy whit a wonderful and bright therapist, is name is Denis. He brought me to my feelings wen I found my dad dead by gas poisoning in his garage. My therapy sessions were an hour, but that day I cry out all the hurt, the rage for 2 hours.
Today I understand what really happened when I found my dad dead by suicide. It is this way I understood there were no mistake.