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#405167 - 07/29/12 04:16 AM Healing just started
boy_indenial Offline

Registered: 07/22/12
Posts: 6
I had my weekly therapy session this morning and it went pretty well. I strongly recommend to everyone in this forum to consider the EMDR method, it works very well, or at least it has worked for me.

13 years ago I finally realized there was something wrong with me, I did not know WTF was wrong nor how to deal with it, I have been through many therapist's and each one has made a contribution the my healing process, no matter how big or small I am grateful to each and everyone of the therapist's.

On Thursday July 19th 2012 I had this image of my mother sexually abusing me, and even though the image was not very clear, yet the feeling was too strong not be true. Another thing to take into consideration was the series of self destructing behaviors I had been doing for a long, long time, including: alcohol abuse (I even took the stand in my local AA group), unprotected sex with male prostitutes, drunk driving and a lot more. I used to be a catholic, but since CSA scandals I don't got to he church anymore nor attend mass, but I still believe in God and I thank him for keeping me alive.

In my memory, the image of being sexually abused bye someone who was supposed to take care of me, was too strong and unmanageble for 9 year old boy and thus was blocked, every now and then those memories were triggered by day-to-day events such of my wife not approving my behaviors or teen age girl not wanting to hang out with me, either one was devastating for me.

I had a memory of one sleepless night in which I was debating between good and evil, about something I had done that was going to cause me to be burn in hell for the rest of the eternity. I also remember going to my father and saying "Dad I am scared" and all I got for an answer was "WTF ? scared? you have nothing to be scared of, get out of here I am busy". And so I thought for many years "There's nothing to be scared of" but the memory of that sleepless night never went away and I couldn't remember what kept up that night.

And yes you are right: what kept up that night had to do my mother sexually abusing me, she manipulated me once and the next time she tried I said no, this is not OK and in one of the most cruel things a mother can do she replied "I don't love you anymore" and this was the memory that has not let me lived at 100% for the past 35 years. With all of my destructive behaviors it was not bizarre sex what I was looking for, it was the tenderness of the love a mother is supposed to give his son. I did not have such love from that moment on and one thing is for sure, I will not have it from now on and that's why I will stop looking for it in my intimate relationships, my spouse is my companion not my mother. That is the deep wound that I started healing this morning.

I forgive my mother, I am not the one to judge her. Today I made the decision of not being a victim anymore. I was a victim for 35 years and I have used victimization and helplessness to manipulate others and you know what ? that ain't living. What happened to all of us is not supposed to happen, but it happens. Today I choose to live, I choose not hate the person who caused me severe damage.

Some time ago, while I was having one of many crisis, a friend of mine suggested this passage from the bible.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41-10

I strongly recommend

#405171 - 07/29/12 05:18 AM Re: Healing just started [Re: boy_indenial]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4287
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
this is powerful. an amazing giant step forward.

i think you'd better change your name - doesn't sound like you are in denial any more!!!

well done! and take a standing ovation:


How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#405191 - 07/29/12 01:48 PM Re: Healing just started [Re: boy_indenial]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
You certainly have made progress boy. I agree with Lee, not in denial any longer, powerful.

I think many men can heal from porn and sexual acting out with these words;
With all of my destructive behaviors it was not bizarre sex what I was looking for, it was the tenderness of the love a mother is supposed to give his son. I did not have such love from that moment on and one thing is for sure, I will not have it from now on and that's why I will stop looking for it in my intimate relationships, my spouse is my companion not my mother.

A revelation, the resolution is palpable, the determination immense, well done does not do this share justice.

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#405875 - 08/05/12 04:25 AM Re: Healing just started [Re: boy_indenial]
boy_indenial Offline

Registered: 07/22/12
Posts: 6
Last week healing just started and it is on its way, it has not been easy though. Maybe I finally realize what my mother took from me: my sense of confidence and my self esteem.

I did many stupid things in past decades, but the one that bothers me the most has been overeating. I quit smoking 11 years ago, I have been overweight since I was 13 and the signs of abuse came to the surface. When decided to put cigarrattes down my weight was 200 pounds, I could not handle the stress and I gained 50 pounds and I have not been able to lose them at all.

Today I had my weekly therapy session and I discovered that my overeating and losing hair might have been related with me wanting to be ugly and preventing women from getting close to me. I also found out, that at the age of 9-10, I did not want to grow old in order to avoid my sexuality. All this thoughts have been blocked in my brain's X-files. This is very powerful finding as well a painful one.

I know forgeviness is the way to go, the road less travelled. And I am talking about forgiving my self for all the autodestructive behaviors and all the people I have hurt with some of them which include my father, my brother and sisters, my wife and the most valued treasure I have, my 2 kids. It looks like my mother might have been CSA victim herself and I am glad it stops with my generation.

Overeating has been a burden to me, it has been the most painful behavior, I don't know why. It looks that I need to overcome overeating to find peace, at last.


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