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#404901 - 07/26/12 07:44 PM Re: Covert Incest [Re: hapati]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
Thank you for posting--it seems this ties quite well with the discussions on establishing appropriate boundaries between child and parent. Word incest implies something physical but it is not the case with these type of relationships--which imply inappropriate emotional attachments--where as the adult expects the child to satisfy emotional needs and roles. It is role reversal the child is satisfying the emotional needs of the adult when more appropriately the adult should be satisfying the emotional needs of the child. The extent can be minor to excessive. The child is brought into adult life as a confident to adult issues and problems--which should never have been shared with the child.

I am sorry you have experienced this type of behavior and I like many have seen the effects of "unboundaried bonding". So it is not solely narcissists who have this type of behavior.

#404953 - 07/27/12 02:20 AM Re: Covert Incest [Re: peroperic2009]
Dusty Boy Offline

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
Originally Posted By: peroperic2009
It seems Dust boy that you found enough strength and patience to fight as long as it is needed. You have my hat off!
You must be great father smile!

Thanks Pero for your kind words. I forgot to add that I could not take any more and in 1989 I left the family home and went back to my home state, my Daughters were 13 and 16. The guilt I felt leaving them behind was overwhelming.

I found out 3 years later that she was taking it out on the youngest daughter when she came to visit, so had a real heart to heart with her and she came to live with me.
Even today I get snippets of how she uses my name to upset and manipulate the girls.

We have been apart 23 years and if I get triggered my stress levels rise and the nightmares start.

#405009 - 07/27/12 06:04 PM Re: Covert Incest [Re: hapati]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3790
Dusty Boy

I am sorry about your situation. Unfortunately this is more common than I would have expected. I read and talk to people about the emotional incest, covert incest or whatever other title it is given. It is sad, children are used to pit a parent against the other. Sadly, the child does not know he/she is being used and in many cases the exploiting parent believes it is appropriate because they have lived the same boundaries--but the the extent or depth of the acts can vary significantly--from ostracizing a parent or forcing a parent away from the dinner table and blaming him/her for being the problem to outright abuse--spying, snooping, sharing intimate details of the parents lives--no matter it harms the child forever. The behavior will be repeated because it is learned behavior. An adult should take account of their actions and never pit a child against a parent--once done the child suffers the most damage--he/she looses a sense of self and a relationship with the other parent.

So I am glad you are better but unless their mother gets help and recognizes the damage she continues to do, she will never change. But sadly, she probably thinks she is hurting you but in the end it is the child who suffers and looses--and what a sad lesson the child has learned. Because, I bet she will "tell you the way it is" or "she is right and you are the problem"--repeated over and over and over and always in front of the children.

I totally understand your situation. Keep going.

Edited by KMCINVA (07/27/12 06:07 PM)

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