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#404806 - 07/26/12 01:49 AM Where to start
Wheeley Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 3
I am new here, and glad to have found you guys. Pissed that it took me thirty-something years to figure out what the fuck has been going on with me, but glad to be here. I am 40 years old and still don't know all that happened to me. I have a few memories of being sexually abused by a teenager that lived across the street. I kept those memories fully encapsulated somewhere in my psyche until high-school, but had a lot of denial about it and never told anyone until my early 20s.

I've talked about in therapy groups some, but never in a very connected way. And I've seen therapists and joined cults and spent half a year in India and on and on. I worked with teenagers in treatment for behavioral health, got a Masters in Social Work, worked with foster kids, worked with adults in the public mental health system, and was executive director of a small mental health advocacy nonprofit.

I've known for a long time that I have psychic problems, and I've looked under every rock trying to get better, except for the rock that marks the place where I was raped as a child (repeatedly,I think?) and lived in a chaotic and violent home that broke up when I was 12, then after several moves with my mom mom, I was sent 800 miles away to boarding school. It might bother some people, but I can take it. I guess I told myself it didn;t matter, and I believed myself because I feel that I don't matter as much as most people.

I have had periods of healing along the way, where I have established some healing and trusting relationships, but in the end I feel an overwhelming sense of shame and don't believe that they would care for me, so I just disappear.

Any, to make this long story a little shorter, I basically had a complete and total breakdown around the time my first some was born 2 years ago. I could not handle the distress I felt at my job, and the utter paralysis that I can't even describe. I quit, and basically lit myself on fire with shame, lost all self confidence, and went into a deep depression. Worst ever. Wanted to die. Made it through that with my marriage a wreck, Sandusky story totally blew me up, was going to lose my wife, and then, when the trial was being covered, and especially after the verdict, all the talk about the victims just broke something loose inside of me and I have never been the same.

The good news is I am finally beginning the understand what the fuck has been going on with me. The bad news is that I am finally beginning to understand what the fuck has been going on with me. I just started really looking into aftermath of complex traumatic stress, and suddenly the last thirty something years of my life makes sense.

I was reading on the SAMHSA website about trauma informed care, and it was like "it's time to use approaches to care that recognize the role childhood trauma plays in one's mental health." And I said to my wife, "now there's an idea whose time has come!" What the fuck? Just now they are getting the word out? I feel like such a fool for not recognizing this in myself, and so let down by all the people who have tried to help me.

But the SAMHSA site also said that it is time to change the paradigm from one that asks "what's wrong with you" to one that asks"what happened to you." That really struck me in a powerful way, and I had a good long cry.

I am getting good therapy, but I don't have a lot of support, and I am basically on probation with both my wife and my new job.

I have a lot of childhood amnesia. I can't remember 5th and 6th grade, and a lot of other shit. I guess I never really wanted to know. But now I feel like I have to know.

I don't know how old I was when the abuse started, but I know that I did not know anything about ejaculation. I have a very clear memory about that. And a partial memory of being raped. I am terrified to think of what else is hidden away somewhere in my mind.

If you have made it all the way to this sentence, I appreciate you taking the time.

#404812 - 07/26/12 01:58 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2653
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome, Wheeley!

Originally Posted By: Wheeley
The good news is I am finally beginning the understand what the fuck has been going on with me. The bad news is that I am finally beginning to understand what the fuck has been going on with me.

I think that sums it up nicely. Quite a mixed bag.

As for memories - I'm 56 - I don't remember most of the first 14 years of my life and some of what I do remember I now wish I didn't .... I'm told you remember when you're ready to remember ...

Anyway - welcome. I'm glad you found us - I think you'll find this a good place for some of that support you've been missing.
Number of WoR's attended: 3
Last attended: 2011

#404818 - 07/26/12 02:10 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Wheeley -

welcome - you've come to the right place. can't tell you how much the interaction here has helped me.

the repressed memories - mine were very intermittent and partial. had a few vague recollections but not much detail. as i worked through stuff with a counsellor - doing lots of reading and writing, more details surfaced and also "new" (actually - OLD) memories as well.

interesting that you mentioned cult involvement - that was part of my history too. i now know i was looking for some answer i hadn't found elsewhere.

anyway - hang around and you'll benefit from the experience and wisdom of those who have been through it ahead of us.


Edited by traveler (07/26/12 02:14 AM)
Edit Reason: sp
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#404819 - 07/26/12 02:11 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Ohio
Hi Wheeley, Thanks for the introduction. I've found I take this stuff in rounds. I'm in a decent space now with it, but had problem periods sometime ago.

It can get better over time.

#404822 - 07/26/12 02:33 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
Wheeley Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 3
Did anyone else lose big chunks of time?

#404846 - 07/26/12 05:04 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
Afldman Offline

Registered: 07/12/12
Posts: 67
Loc: Pacific Northwest
Wheeley...did I lose big chunks of memory? I can't remember. HA! Woo, I am a funny man!

But seriously, yes. Didn't realize it until very recently. Sad part, I remember every bit of my abuse (as far as I know). It's everything else from those years I can't remember.

And the kicker? To this day my memory sucks. My wife and kids chide me about it, but it's tough.

No, you're not alone in this one either!

Cheers, Peter
"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." -Daliai Lama

#406247 - 08/09/12 03:15 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
Wheeley Offline

Registered: 07/26/12
Posts: 3
Whoops, forgot I was here!

#406362 - 08/10/12 10:12 AM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2242
Hi Wheely,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Please do not blame yourself for not recognizing that you did not recognize you had been abused. It is often difficult to objectively see ourselves or to assess our experiences. We tell ourselves "it wasn't that bad" as a survival strategy. We may also tell ourselves that "it didn't matter" or "I didn't matter." Those are also survival strategies - minimize the abuse and the pain in order to survive it.

It is a glaring failure of the professionals who never bothered to ask "what happened to you?" Sadly, it is more common that not for males to never be asked about sexual abuse.

The loss of memory for years of your life speaks to the trauma you experienced during those years. Your mind has locked away those memories until it feels you will be able to deal with the information. Some of the memories may come to you in bits and pieces, other memories will come to you like a tidal wave. And some may always remain hidden.

If you do not already use them, it may be useful to learn groundign techniques. These techniques will help you when the memories start to break through, especially since they will break through at inopportune times. The memories may also be accompanied by flashbacks and body memories, both of which can be terrifying.

There are books you and your wife may find helpful.

Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse by Mic Hunter

Victims No Longer by Mike Lew

When a Man You Love Was Abused by Cecil Murphey

Sexually Abused Male by Josef Spiegel

I am certain others will share titles they have found useful. You can find these titles, and others here at the bookstore.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

Again, welcome to MS.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#407578 - 08/22/12 10:47 PM Re: Where to start [Re: Wheeley]
kpntreal Offline

Registered: 08/19/12
Posts: 11
Loc: USA
Hi Wheely
Yes ,I too have lost huge chunks of time. I don't think it is odd with us,with me I think it was a survival mechanism that helped me to carry on until the time came when I was able to deal with it all.
Had to deal with other issues such as raising/protecting siblings etc. until I had time to face my own issues. Sure, it's not fair, but what is?
Welcome to MS.


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