Your mother did something right because you're very considerate and it's a pleasure to correspond with you. Thank you for mentioning that you are of East Indian descent. Because I'm an American and cultural insensitivity is our birthright like liberty, I very often forget this is truly an international forum. Occidentals are fascinated by India because at once it is the birthplace of great achievements in religious thought and humanistic philosophy while at the same time India supports a prehistoric system of rigid stratification based on caste, gender and sexual orientation. Given the very strong cultural norms you've been enculterated to believe, it is little wonder you're experiencing so much termoil and confusion. It is excellent that you've identify that. Now you can overcome it.
I have failed to be clear and it's because I am prone to using strong rhetoric not measured statements (another American birthright?). I wish to clarify some things I said in my first post. Like you, I am in the process of expelling my deamons. In this process I've broken a taboo, implicating my mother as a contributor to my overall state of mental disorder. While I feel very strongly that she did not protect me and she was in fact very selfish and lacking empathy, I also realize that she did the best she could with the understanding she had at the time. Being a parent myself has granted me greater perspective on the actions and the difficulties of my own parents. Frankly, I'm not sure what I would have done with me either. Yes, I was harmed by her actions as there were elements of abuse and neglect. However, I also understand how daunting it can be to be a parent. While there is hurt, there is also charity in my heart for a mother who was at a loss and unaware of wwhat to do.
Another subtle clarification that I submit to you is in regards to the abuser/ abusee dynamic. In your comments to me you are relieved, as you should be, to learn that sexual acting out behaviors are normal. But I caution your assumption that one's manipulative and/or innappropriate behaviors do not make him an abuser if there is no intent of predatory intimidation or pre-planned malice. I'm speaking generally now about abuse of all kinds. There are many burried feelings and subconscious motivation that we have as CSA survivors and we act out almost as if puppets of our own dysfunction. We may not realize our own subconscious intentions and often, we do not realize when we've unitentionally inflicted harm. I am speaking about myself. Only later, with greater clarity have I realized that I've crossed a line. Clearly, you are a smart and mindful person. I urge you to use that mindfulness and not run amok as I have.
Finding humor in the heartbreak