I feel I have no connection with myself I feel im mourning a death. Perhaps the death of my childhood. I want so bad to extend my hand to that boy and tell him its going to be ok but he cant hear me. I dont understand this projection I have of myself.. There is me as I am now and the other me a kid alone scared and waiting for me to acknowledge him. I feel guilty I left him behind as did so many others. I put all my pain on him and left never looking back until now. And there he stands waiting for me to fix it. Curious , has anyone else had issues with not identifing or not connecting with who you were when the abuse took place.... I may be one screwed up individual... -JAY
Jay - many of us have what you describe above. there is a survival technique called "dissociation" that is also a psych condition - that probly most abuse survivors have. look it up - reading about it will help understand it. it can range widely from simply feeling disconnected from your body, feelings and past events - to more extreme cases of total loss of memories for long periods of time and can even be related to what is commonly called "multiple personalities."
so yes - you are "screwed up" - understandibly so! but no - you are not alone. we survivors all are. it is a very natural response to the trauma you/we experienced.
maybe the "good news" is that you are at least aware of your lost childhood version of your self. there is a common name fot that part of your identity too - the "inner child." many guys are totally out of touch with that aspect of their past and how to relate it to theeir present state. believe it or not - some here would envy you the ability to remember exactly what happened because they have blocked it from their conscious minds and are tortured by not knowing what happened and why they are the way they are.
so - bottom line is - you are better off than you might be in the "worst case scenario." look for threads or articles or references in books about connecting with your "inner child." since you have a pretty well-defined sense of him - it may be helpful to you to get to know him/you, speak or write to him/you. it may sound wacky - i used to think so - but it has helped me in becoming more whole.
and yes - it is actually good and healthy to mourn the loss/death of your innocence and chilhood self. that is also a normal and healing process.
hang in there and keep thinking it through, reading, writing, asking questions. the guys on the forums here are a great source of strength, encouragement, info and comradeship.
All the best to you on your healing jouney,