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#402043 - 06/28/12 02:23 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
I am just coming off a really bad month with my husband. I didn't take care of my needs for last 6 months and I completely melted down.

His incessant calling and texting to all his female friends sent me over a cliff. I know it is a coping mechanism, and he is just trying to survive, but I am recovering from the discovery of all his infidelities and I just completely lashed out at him in the worst way. We had a horrible fight where I truly thought the marriage was over.

My husband works out of town for many of the summer months. I was supposed to join him and our marriage counselor and his therapist urged me to stay home. Something he latched onto with great enthusiasm. He pulled himself out of latest spiral for the few days before he left but after he was gone, I crashed. Hard.

Now I realize it was a good thing. After a few days of non-stop crying, I finally reached out to friends, did some activities I enjoy, and feel like I can breathe again. The marriage counselor is working with me on the side.

The point is this: my marriage may not survive. I will stick it out on the gamble that my husband may get better and may still decide not to be married to me. WHICH WOULD KILL ME. But I love him enough to see him survive. My needs are secondary in this marriage right now. It's not fair, but it is what it is. If you cannot commit to the gamble - and it is a gamble - then you are doing niether him or yourself any favors.

A crappy decision to make, that is certain, but you need to start addressing with yourself.

#403810 - 07/16/12 07:53 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
patientlywaiting Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New York
After another circular fight between us about marriage on Saturday night, I did some real soul-searching on Sunday. I came to the conclusion that since he's unable to give me any sort of commitment to the future, I needed to leave for a while. Right now, we're not broken up, but are on a break. This hurts me so much, but neither of us saw any sort of solution to the problem. I'm not sure that this will help the relationship, or hurt it; I guess only time will tell.
I'm unsure if I should give it a few weeks and ask him to go to therapy with me, or this will even help? Does anyone have any other suggestions than to just "let it ride and give him unconditional love," because I couldn't do this while sacrificing my needs any longer. Thanks

#403824 - 07/16/12 10:52 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Patiently - I can only ad that my P and I have been separated for 3+ months, and it was the best thing given our situation. Constant arguing, resentment, emotional games... Oye. Not cool.

We r on vacation together right now, though. Far from perfect, for sure, but what the hell is perfect, right?

I chose to leave the house for my own sanity. Found great ways to take care of me in the process, and uncovered a lot of things that I'm happy to be working on. Wouldn't have done that living together.

Thr first week sucked, sure, but it got so much easier so much faster than I thought. I'm also way more clear about my needs right now, and this vacation is like a bit of a date. Checking each other out again.

It's also not the end. We did take vows that we take seriously. We (nay I) are not rushing to divorce. We are hopeful. I'm coming to understand much more with the gift of time and space.

PS - On the other topic, adoption and foster parenting are also options! smile

#404183 - 07/20/12 02:55 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
patientlywaiting Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New York
So, I stopped by our apartment the next day to grab some stuff and I accidentally ran into him there (he was not supposed to be there at that time). Long story short, we talked for about 2 hours and came to a resolution that we could both comfortable with.

Then he asks me on Wednesday night if I would be mad if he went on vacation (one that we had been planning to his family cottage together) by himself back to his parents house. I was hurt and confused, because I thought we were trying to work on stuff. I come to find out that before we talked things out on Monday, he had invited a friend to go with him to the family cottage. I only knew this because of a text message conversation I found on his phone. The thing is, it's a female friend, and I don't know her. I told him that I wasn't comfortable with this and that he betrayed me by not telling me, and me having to find it out myself. I told him that I feel threatened by her and that it is a natural instinct. He reassures me that there is nothing intimate or sexual there and that he's not attracted to her.

I'm ok with him taking time away to get his head clear of everything that's going on with the memories of molestation (more came up a week ago) and the tough times of our relationship, but I'm not ok with him going to the cottage with her. I feel like he's doing this TO me, but do any survivors think he may be doing this FOR himself, or is he acting out?

#404184 - 07/20/12 02:56 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
patientlywaiting Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New York
I should say, the resolution was that we decided to stay together and continue to live together.

#404204 - 07/20/12 07:51 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
If its for himself, why isn't he going alone? If he doesn't have to go alone, why can't you be his companion? When is it ever appropriate for someone to go in vacation with a person of the opposite sex whom the committed partner knows nothing about? The other woman is no threat to your relationship, your partner is. You aren't married, your stuff is already moved out, keep it that way.
Wife of a survivor

#404207 - 07/20/12 08:38 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle
hi... I've learned there are two distinct kinds of survivors. Some of us totally withdraw and want nothing to do with sex with another person. Others of us swing (no pun) the opposite way and are looking for validation through sex with as many outside partners as possible. I believe that many of the contributers within F&F are here because they're married to the latter. You haven't indicated to which extreme he swings but I have an idea because I haven't detected lots of anger about other women til now.

Let me just tell you that many of us CSA guys prefer the company of women. For many years I had only female friends, not girlfriends. Friends. We have deep issues with trust and because men abused us we do not trust men or their motivations so we gravitate to females for support. Your man was clearly affacted by a much older male so that manly trust issue may be a factor here. We like women better b/c they're usually more emotionally available, they don't participate in macho posturing, is short they're more relatable. So it may be that your man has found a confidant he trusts and she happens to be female. Maybe he didn't tell you because it looks bad. Your natural reaction was something he was trying to avoid. By no means am I giving his weird behavior a pass, only explaning the possible motives. From your point of view it's a horrible breach of trust and respect. You should be that confidant. Be he's fearful of you. I was terrified to tell things to my wife because I feared rejection and abandonment. Abandonment is another tangent, like children, that I could derail this whole thread with. Focus, scott, focus.

But in the bizarro world of CSA up is down and black is white. Example: Because I love my wife too much I cannot have sex with her. Like that makes any sense? It does to me. So one explanation for this trip without you but with someone who's female is that he loves you and needs you too much to be honest with you about the things he needs to tell you. Fear and secrecy are the recurring themes in our lives, remember that.

I want to conclude by re-stating what I think I understand: He will be with his family on a family vacation at the family cottage (must be nice, Montauk is it?) without you but with his entire family who will no doubt be asking where you are. Don't know if I got that right or not but that's the premise I'm working from. On paper, leaving your live-in-fiancee to go away on vacation with another woman looks reaaaaaly bad. But if I understand this right, he's not actually blowing town for some tropical hideaway. He's going to participate in family activities under their supervision with one obvious future member of the family absent. I could be way off, and I'm sure someone will tell me if I am, but I think he's going to re-charge and get his head together a little bit. You're not invited because he needs to talk and think about you and figure out how he can be a better partner. At least that's what I'd do in Montauk (well, after a full day of sailing and shrimp cocktail at the Club).

#404359 - 07/22/12 05:00 PM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
patientlywaiting Offline

Registered: 06/07/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New York
No, he was going to go up there just him and her. No family would be there. I told him hands down, I am not comfortable with this and if he goes up there with her, he will not be allowed back home. I also said that if he thinks that he'll just agree to my terms and do what he wants, think again. I found out about his ulterior plans and I'll find out if he goes up to the family cottage with her. We'll see how this goes. At this point, I don't even want to go on vacation with him. I need this time to clear my head, too.

#404438 - 07/23/12 06:39 AM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
havenlost Offline

Registered: 07/16/12
Posts: 27
Loc: Alabama
I have to chime in from where I am right now in my relationship. Maybe that will help.

It feels like you are on a constant teeter-totter at the playground, and it's fun while both partners are participating, but when one suddenly decides to jump off abruptly and you go crashing into the ground busting your being and then falling over and hitting your head on the ground, which causes an excruciating headache, only to see that same partner not even notice the pain he/she caused you, and then five minutes later he/she wants to take you on another joyful ride, and then gets confused when you say no thanks.

I'm all about faith, and hope, and change, and lights at the end of long tunnels. People CAN become stronger and better for the long hauls of life. Question is.....what is our threshold ?

We all have to make our choices in each given situation.

Life is short.
Really short.

My husband did not want to get married. I think he did it because he was afraid he would lose me. We are in deep trouble now. For what ever reason guys say no to marriage, please heed it. It will only get worse if he gives in, and it is not a promise from the core of his heart. Let him work his issues out on his own. As others have said, if he shows up at your door someday, and you are still available, then address it then, but not now, he is not ready, and unless you're willing to be on the falling end of that teeter-totter, neither are you.
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

Isaiah 40:31

#404721 - 07/25/12 07:44 AM Re: Almost at the end of my rope [Re: patientlywaiting]
Clueless2 Offline

Registered: 07/25/12
Posts: 9
patientlywaiting, I feel for you.

I knew fairly early in the relationship with my boyfriend that he was a survivor of CSA, but I was clueless! Now, I am 2 years into a relationship with a wonderful man, but... At first when he would withdraw I would think I had done something that had angered him, hurt him, or that he was thinking about ending our relationship, and after a few days of anguish on my part, he would reconnect and act like nothing was the matter. And I would be a wreck. We do not live together, so he would drop text conversations, not call, or not pick up if I called. He would usually connect on a daily basis with a one liner text and that would be it. After 2 years you would think I would be used to it, but it is painful every time it happens. Thankfully it happens only about every 2-3 mon., maybe longer. I am fairly certain that he has been faithful to me, but he is so secretive about his phone, but wants to know who is texting me or calling me. I understand that he was violated and that trust and privacy are huge issues, but is this typical? I think the thing that bothers me the most is that everything has to be on his terms. I am pretty laid back, so usually it doesn't bother me, but when I ask him to just let me know if he needs me to give him some space, he ignores me and doesn't respond. Does this happen to anyone else out there?

I have been reading When a Man You Love Has Been Abused and it has offered a lot of insight. I offer unconditional love, I don't push, I support him as much as I know how, but I really do want to marry. I love him and am very attached. I just have a problem with the fact that our relationship is on his terms and my needs or desires do not seem to factor in. I don't want to be selfish, I just want what is best for both of us, not just him. He has asked for us to move in together, but I am not really interested in blending my life together with his and committing to building a future together outside of marriage. Am I being unrealistic?

On one hand he has resisted a timeline for marriage and on the other he talks about how we are going to manage our finances, where we will live together, etc. Sometimes I feel like a little girl with a flower pulling the petals out one at a time, he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...

I can't describe the emotional turmoil.

Sometimes I feel disrespected and at other times treated with love, kindness, and compassion. The duality is hard to reconcile. But I remind myself that this is part of the process of healing, I just don't know if I am strong enough to weather through the storm.

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