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#404146 - 07/20/12 06:24 AM When are we well
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
When is it that we survivors begin to feel well?
I was thinking about that reading a post here today. And once we are well where do we go.
I have noticed that most people that have been through their healing journey, seldom come back to
Who then is left here to encourage those that have just joined that there is an answer to all their ,problems, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Mostly I want to know what happened in your heads, when did you know that it was at an end? when did you know that it was finally over that the torment had ended?

Lee posted in another thread that he no longer feels threatened by others.
I felt it the first time I confronted a teacher about the way they dealt with my daughter, I wasn't afraid, I feel it every time my wife feels bad and tries to fight with me, and I can remain calm.
I feel it every time we argue because I have very few lies to hide anymore. (Still battle with stupid lies)
There is so much in my head that has changed, and for that I am eternally grateful.
It is mainly because of that my life has changed because there is no knowledge of Survivors in South Africa.
Let us know what changed for you, When you knew that you were getting well.

Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#404164 - 07/20/12 09:34 AM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]
Napoleon Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
Reading about the abuse every day and thinking about it every day… I stopped coming when I resolved the abuse to the best of my ability and wanted to move on with my life.

Unfortunately I recently began experiencing new flashbacks from a different perpetrator… I am back.

Yes they do leave, but sometimes they come back once in a while and answer the very questions you are asing.

“I've been back here over the last few days, and still see the same questions, like does it ever get better… I made it, so can you!”

“Like I said at the start of this post, most of the old names aren't here anymore - I hope that means they are doing ok! You will be ok too - just have patience - it takes time!”
�Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.� Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

#404186 - 07/20/12 03:25 PM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
Well as someone who registered in 2007 I'm probably in a position to answer that at least for myself.

For me, it's not a matter of "stopping coming" so much as a matter of when I need to. There have been points I've been absent for months, points I've been here dayly. This is something I've seen from several members, Dustyboy, (who I saw a post from just the other day), Trucker Mark, freedom 49, Eric, King tut etc.

I don't think it's ever a case of going away and not coming back, rather it's a case of just getting gradually better over time. I know, that for all I'm having trouble at the moment due to having a fairly stressfull time otherwise in my life, I'm still better than I was in 2007, which is of course the important fact. Maybe i'll vanish again, maybe i'll be back again, but it's the moving forward that counts, sinse contrary to all those feel good hollywood dramas, recovering from trauma is climbing a sloap, not suddenly jumping over a barrier and becoming magically well because of one dramatically significant event.

there is then a completely unrelated matter, at least as far as posting on ms goes, sticking around to be helpfull to others. There are several people I know for a fact do this, which is really great, and often I have tried to do this myself, checking the forum not because I feel there is something I need to say myself, but in the hopes that I can respond in some sort of usefull way to someone else.

So, "being well" isn't really an easily defignable state, nor does it totally and completely equate with stopping posting on ms either, as with most everything to do with recovery it all depends on a person's own, individual circumstances.

#404188 - 07/20/12 03:34 PM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825
I believe the time is different for each survivor as to when they begin to feel well. I had many starts and some steps backwards which mask my getting better and healing. It is like climbing out of hole. I visualize myself slowly moving up the hole, and one day I saw the sunlight. Slipped back a bit and have kept moving up the hole but there has been some setbacks. I see the sunlight and one day I envision my hand touching the ground at the top of the hole and pulling myself to freedom from the CSA and other abuses in my life. When I am down I try to create the vision of the hole and the sunlight. It helps to bring to where I am today, a healing survivor.

#405113 - 07/28/12 03:39 PM Re: When are we well [Re: dark empathy]
peacemaker67 Offline

Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
Well said, dark empathy...

something I have also struggled with on other sites (mainly because others haven't offered support as I find here to want to return)...therapy is it's own instrument. When it calls, we hear its beckoning and must be the right tune or we will not hear it...
I really enjoy reading your postings, dear write out your thoughts with an aim of balance which definitely help me.
Please don't stop.
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

#405134 - 07/28/12 06:52 PM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle
Great topic Martin. As usual. I agree there is an attrition in the ranks due to survivors moving on. But this encourages me. The old gaurd is replaced by this current class of contribtors, each of us at his own place in his path to wellness. I came here nearer the end of my healing journey than most. And there is a young man reading who is overcome by anger and confusion needing to know when it will ever end. The circle goes unbroken.

Too many times in the past I have declared myself "fixed." I don't think my torments have evaporated like a puddle, they have simply ebbed like the tide. How do I know I am healthy now?

For the first time ever I feel good about being me and about my place in the world. After decades of waking up feeling dead and wishing I was, there is real hope and joy in my heart.

For the first time ever I can be emotionally honest and phsically available. I can tell my daughter I love her and give her a hug without feeling like a charlatan. That is huge.

For the first time ever I can pick apart dysfunctional behaviors in myself and others and see it for what it is. I am learning to own and control my emotions, not have my emotions own and control me. This is the final peice.

Thanks Martin... are you going somewhere?

#405137 - 07/28/12 07:50 PM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: whome
When is it that we survivors begin to feel well?
I was thinking about that reading a post here today. And once we are well where do we go.
Mostly I want to know what happened in your heads, when did you know that it was at an end? when did you know that it was finally over that the torment had ended?
Lee posted in another thread that he no longer feels threatened by others.

I recently became aware of a shift in my dream life. You can't fool your dream life. When I awoke I was in a dream where I was in a serene meadow with a brook flowing through it. All the vegetation was green.


#405144 - 07/28/12 10:21 PM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3825

I wait for those days to have peaceful dreams. As for feeling well--I think we all get to different points of wellness and then can regress. I have been busy but I have been lightheaded and mind continues to wander--not always sure where it has gone. It is a strange feeling that I have had most of my life--I use to ignore it or pretend it did not happen but now once I learned my lost time was not I, I become concerned with this sense of not being--so I think I am well but have these dark or lost periods. So I think my head is still coming to terms with everything--

#405149 - 07/29/12 12:08 AM * [Re: whome]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/29/13 03:45 PM)

#405151 - 07/29/12 12:34 AM Re: When are we well [Re: whome]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4255
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i think the label = "WELL" - may be a false expectation or over-simplification. yes, i think it is possible to heal and grow and progress and whatever words or phrases you want to use to describe a better state of being.

but i'm not sure anyone is ever totally "fixed" or "over it" or has "arrived." and i'm not being pessimistic.

i think there are several categories of people -

1. the ones who are OK as is - probly the nearest to "well" that any of us can imagine - and probly a small minority of people in the world.

2. those who are screwed up and think that they are just fine - totally unaware that they have problems that need to be addressed - probly the largest group - the majority.

3. people who are screwed up and know it - but are unable or unwilling to do much about it - stuck in a rut and self-defeating or kept down by others or circumstances.

4. the rest of us - who know we are screwed up and are doing what we can to get "well" - whatever that means. i think it is a heightened sense of self-awareness that can motivate us to change but sometimes turns into being overly self-conscious and lead us to thinking we are worse off than we are or to under-estimate the growth or progress we've accomplished.

5. the "graduates" - who have moved beyond the feelings of being screwed up - who are still aware of their issues - but are doing OK at managing the fall-out. i don't think anyone ever gets back to the original state of "wellness" that we would have had if nothing had happened. but this group is - in my opinion - more to be honored and respected than those who never had to go through the fire. the unfortunate thing is that - though i used the word "graduates" above - there is no ceremony or rite of passage to mark that point on the continuum. (maybe that is what this thread is about - recognizing it.) so we are not sure when we've made it. but you can still keep moving on - and probly should - rather than feeling that you've arrived, stopping, and putting down roots. that doesn't sound too healthy either.

and in my understanding - there is a spectrum that you may find yourself on at various points from day to day and even hour to hour. the important thing is to keep going in the right direction...

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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