Newest Members
mmm coffee, Calibre09, FallGuy2154, Whoamitoday, Joe4618
13527 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
arty (49), atari_kid86 (31), ava_adore (31), babs (66), bkeithb (52), shylo (37), si (25), universe (36)
Who's Online
6 registered (Jer, NathanM, betrayed boy, ScottSmith, 2 invisible), 73 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,527 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,365 Topics
491,413 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#403604 - 07/14/12 02:11 PM He doesn't know I know - now what?
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
So, the relief of having a hook to hang the behaviors is wearing off slightly. Finding these boards has been a tremendous help - answers, support, and some genuinely awesome people. Now I'm finding myself a bit stuck in my thinking.

I'm not a mental health expert. (Those words taste like crap, btw!) The dynamics of my partner and my six year relationship seem to fit everything I'm finding though.

The kicker is that he does not know that I'm on these boards. He doesn't know the extent of my own recovery work and how it includes the mental/emotional abuse from our relationship of yesteryear. I'm making amends. Ive apologized many times - for specific things when I remember them. Sincere apologies that I really mean, too.

He is also not actively addressing the issues the abuse that I'm aware of. I'm trying not to take his inventory (for my 12 step friends!) beyond those loving qualities and characteristics and those other behaviors that can harm me right now. Everything else is his to deal with on his own terms. I realize that if I acted on my desire to shake him and beg him to deal with the issues, there's a real chance nothing good can come of it.

With all that said. Where to from here? Has anyone else been the same boat? Where and how did you find support?

I got an email from a family member of his dripping with contempt, shame, and anger for the way I treated him when my life was falling apart and my P was AWOL. I'm not proud of how I behaved, but I'm changing that today and tomorrow, and I've apologized to my P for that. Thr email names his abuser and compares me to him. I'm being used as an outlet for someone else's shame a guilt for not intervening 20+ years ago, and it blows.

It seems like this issue is at the surface for so many of us, but less of an issue for my P right now. Where to from here? Is there a book "When they don't know you know"?? smile Hee Hee

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

#403605 - 07/14/12 02:39 PM Re: He doesn't know I know - now what? [Re: Haps]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3786

do not beat yourself up, You need to live and you are seeking help and working on recovery--that is a tremendous step and for those who have not lived it or had to face the past should count your blessings. And there are those who are not facing their past and live in denial of how perfect they were--sadly they are probably suffering in their own ways. You partner needs to face the abuse and you cannot force facing the past.

Remember, you are working hard, keep working, healing is a tough journey and you need to keep yourself focused on you for the time being. Your partner probably knows hte hurt and pain that was caused but who wants to admit they inflicted such pain or enabled others to inflict pain on another person. I am realizing the enabler is just as responsible for the acts. I look at Paterno, turn a blind eye, others encourage people to bully by being there laughing and not stopping--

You can only apologize so much--and I would ask did the family member stand by and help anyone--many throw stones but live in glass houses.

Take care

#403619 - 07/14/12 06:41 PM Re: He doesn't know I know - now what? [Re: Haps]
Jim1961 Offline

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1201
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...

Only to let you know my reaction.... I read the title of your post and thought "OH NO, SHE KNOWS!!!!"

Then I read the post, and said "whew...., not my wife" (though you sound wonderful... ).

Just sharing my FEAR. That inner child acted up again... ;-)

Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

#403624 - 07/14/12 07:59 PM Re: He doesn't know I know - now what? [Re: Haps]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Ought oh... Any recommendations on a new title?

My stomach dropped when I saw your post a bit. The last thing that I want to do is upset anyone unnecessarily. Especially with a title!

Interesting, though -- Maybe my guy is out there working through stuff. Rather see him here, though, than anywhere else right now (I.e. porn sites lol). For me, it would be a nice problem to have.

#403636 - 07/14/12 09:32 PM Re: He doesn't know I know - now what? [Re: Haps]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
My survivor doesn't know I come here either (well....I mentioned it once and he reacted badly.) He doesn't know I've read books and journal articles on male survivors, and have educated myself quite a lot. But, IMO he doesn't need to know, because we both reap the benefits of my having support and knowledge on my side.

I can relate to your frustration, as I myself feel frustrated at times when it feels like I am sitting here working hard on my own stuff as well as trying to understand him and interact with him in a healthy way, and he doesn't seem to be investing the same time/energy....BUT even as I type that, I realize that's not a fair statement, as he IS working hard -every day is a battle for him, in different ways. No his battle does not look the same as mine now, nor does it include the same tools but that is part of his road and his process. He will face it in his own way and on his own timeline. Yet...I want SO BADLY for him to go to therapy NOW!! LOL.

I think besides keeping ourselves safe and healthy and drawing boundaries when we need to, there isn't a lot we can do to MAKE them get help, until they are read to do so for themselves.

So how to help ourselves in the meantime? For me, it's individual therapy, a support website for female survivors, and I am finding a need to re-discover female friends, and activities I enjoy that don't involve him at feels a bit weird as we share almost everything, but it's also refreshing.

As for the email from the family member lashing out at you, how inappropriate and unwelcome, and how unpleasant that must have been! I'm glad you can see it for what it is, misplaced anger and blame projected onto you. That is their issue not yours so don't take that on-board. It sounds like you have owned/are owning your actions during a difficult time, which is all we can do when we have made mistakes as we all do.

Edited by mmfan (07/14/12 09:41 PM)
Edit Reason: added last paragraph

#403817 - 07/16/12 09:54 PM Re: He doesn't know I know - now what? [Re: Haps]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
It's difficult a lot of times to remember he is working. Despite not being in therapy, he is trying to make it through the day like the rest of us. I can't help but wonder just how heavy that baggage is! I know what T has done for me, and I just hope it works out for him as well.

Haven't responded, and don't want to. The sending has their own issues for sure, and I think this is the old "never wrestle with a pig. They're get dirty and the pig likes it." moments. Hard not to engage, though. Still holding strong today.

I fear even bringing the email up to my P. It feels like there's and avalanche of hurt and anger piling up if i even mention it, and I don't want it to fall on deaf ears nor push him into anything. Relating isn't his strong suit, so either way feels crappy when I think about it today.


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.