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#402502 - 07/04/12 12:55 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 120
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I've told two people outright: my partner and my best friend. I wasn't intending for this to happen but I think I put enough pieces out there last week for a good friend of mine for him to get a rough idea.

We'd met for coffee and he'd mentioned that it was unfortunate that nobody's making documentaries like the ones my second perp used to make ever since he died. I pointed out that I could do it, I own a good video camera, have a fairly powerful Mac with Final Cut Studio on it and the expertise to write-shoot-edit-finish videos and I'd done a few smaller proof of concept videos to share with a couple of friends successfully. The problem's that I can't stomach going out and shooting the material the way he used to. My friend thought that it was due to the fact that the perps used to be a pain in the ass waving his "President Of The Non-Profit Organization" card around in people's faces and making a nuisance of himself to everyone that I was referring to, but I explained that he was doing a lot more with his president's card and influence and explained that the rumours about the guy had a lot of factual basis behind them.

We had a good conversation about that because my friend had seen a lot of kids come and go from the non-profit group that had been brought in by the perp, heard rumours, heard from the guy who used to service the perp's computer that there was more going on that he didn't know about, etc. My friend said that CSA must be rampant because his wife knew of a teacher who was taking kids up to his cottage and abusing them and that brought out the stuff about the first perp. I never explicitly said I had been abused by either guy but there was probably enough out there by the end of our coffee to infer it. Sadly, my friend think the non-profit's board of directors of the day just turned a blind eye towards a lot of questionable activity done by their president who grossly abused his position in other ways besides CSA.

What struck me about it though was that my friend already thought that CSA was rampant from having heard so many stories from different people about situations that never got exposed like Penn State or Graham James have. It certainly seems to validate the idea that CSA's as common as the 1 in 6 statistic suggests, possibly even more common than that due to underreporting.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

#402511 - 07/04/12 02:04 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
atari_kid86 Offline

Registered: 02/24/10
Posts: 142
Loc: Michigan
I have disclosed to people slowly as the time has been right.

The first person I ever told was my best friend, who was friends with me throughout the majority of the span of my abuse. He's been the best, most supportive person of everyone.

The 2nd person was my ex-wife. The whole thing just went over her head, and she never talked to me about it again.

The third disclosure I made was to my (soon to be) wife. She's been great throughout this whole healing process. I am blessed to have her in my life.

Number 4 was my oldest brother. He has been one of my best friends as of late. It's easy to talk with him about since he knows all of the characters involved. He did not judge, but rather listened.

The most recent disclosure has been my mother. Disclosure may be the wrong word; perhaps confront. As I expected, it didn't go so well. I made a post about it after it happened.

Overall, I've been happy that I've chosen to disclose to some of those around me. It shows who my true friends and loved ones are. I am blessed, despite dealing with this demon of CSA.

#403210 - 07/11/12 01:16 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 47
Loc: Florida, US
I always knew I had been molested but it was "so long ago" and "I was so young" (3-5) that it didn't 'count' as a traumatic event. (?) When I was 43, I was in a serious accident. While in rehabilitation from it, I told a psychologist this and she looked at me shocked and told me that it always has an impact. It still took me 6 months to admit that it was anything. When I finally accepted this, I was actually relieved because it meant that I wasn't f*ked up from the get go. All my life I figured well I thought lots of crazy things to explain my behaviors & desires.

I first told my wife. She knew I had had problems but was supportive. Then I told my brother, who also had been molested by the same cousin at the same time. I
Told my mom and she was shocked and sad for me and that she didn't know. I haven't told anyone else other than my T and psych.
"There is always hope."

#403237 - 07/11/12 07:13 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
Country Offline

Registered: 02/29/12
Posts: 654
Loc: Alabama
2 of the first 3 close guy friends I told were abused also. I have told like 6 close friends and 1 cousin. My wife was the first to know. Only one in my family that knows is my cousin. I plan on speaking publicly about this at some point when or if the Lord leads me to do that.
Ephesians 6:13

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

#403250 - 07/11/12 12:08 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
pablo Offline

Registered: 06/08/12
Posts: 16
Loc: New Jersey
This is a really important topic, and I am glad you opened it. I waited decades before talking with anyone other than a therapist, most of whom couldn't deal with it either, as a mother's love run amok into her own weird perverted rituals is hard for anyone to take. I suppose the fact that even therapists had a hard time with it subconsciously made things much worse for me, and made it harder to open up to others.

I didn't even tell my wife until we had been married about 15 years, and then only after my T made it pretty plain that as long as I held onto that secret, I would find it difficult if not impossible to move on. I was suicidal constantly, and it was either open the bag and let the thing out or keep it stuffed down and risk death.

My wife was amazing. With a few close friends, though, the attitude has ranged from 'oh, my sister says Daddy abused her, too, but I don't know if I believe it' to 'about time you stopped acting as though this is all you are' to 'where was your father' and so on.

I have not been able to see any pattern among my friends or family. At first, it helped draw my sister and me closer together, as she understood more about what happened in our childhood, including my dark moods and occasional violent outbursts. As we have grown older though, and as our mother has approached death, and as I have considered telling my children and others, the implications for my sister have become clearer, and she has withdrawn a bit. We'll get through it.

In another case, an old friend from our neighborhood when I was a child took me out to lunch and turned the tables entirely, telling me that my mother had molested him. He took it for granted that if she abused him, that I must have suffered for years. So, that was an extraordinary twist.

One last thought: except for a few times, minimally, with Ts, I have never shared details, except to say, as my mother told me in the one occasion when I confronted her, that she never went so far as actual rape/intercourse. "At least, I never raped you," was how she so eloquently and self-righteously put it. I think it would be a pretty fine epitaph, I suppose. In any case, I don't talk about details with others, most of whom find it horrifying enough to learn that my mother sexually molested me (and, as I know now, at least one other). And in all honesty, I still can't take looking too much at the details, even now in my 50s.

I am not sure if any of these ramblings shed any light, but I do think this is really important and am grateful for the opportunity to reflect on this with all of you.


#403252 - 07/11/12 12:29 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070

It's difficult at first, and the first few times I told anyone it was like pulling a rusty sword out of my body with each word. But each time I told someone new, it made it a little bit easier.

The Sandusky explosion gave me several opportunities to share, and it felt good to "come out" as a survivor. In college, I was jealous of the gay boys for being able to be "out" about who they were... I thought then that there was no way that I could be "out" as what I now know is my identity as a survivor. It just seemed unthinkable then... not any more.

Just in the last week, I talked to my father about it, I told two different work colleagues and I posted about it on Twitter for the whole world to see.

Yesterday, while having an after-work drink with a colleague, the subject came up and all I said was, "I know all about it. It happened to me. I'm a survivor of it." And that was all; the conversation moved on.

It doesn't have to be a tear-filled dramatic event any longer.
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#403444 - 07/13/12 12:17 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
Armand Offline

Registered: 06/23/12
Posts: 5
I'm just recognizing what happened to me. I haven't told anyone for real. I sort of mentioned it to my psychologist and almost lost control. It's hard to believe it could hurt so much after so much time. Just typing these words and I can't see the screen very well through the tears. Once I told him, I couldn't even look him in the eye.

I was wondering what got me thinking about it until I saw your note. Yes, it was this Sandusky thing that rattled my brain and brought back the memory from so long ago.

Edited by Armand (07/13/12 12:18 AM)

#403674 - 07/15/12 11:30 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
The response to this is wonderful fellow survivors. Our journey of healing can begin with reaching out to another in trust, to connect with someone who we feel can help us. Who(m) we tell may identify how healthy or unhealthy we are in our surviving. For example, if we share with someone who is a doctor or therapist, we can expect(reasonably, but not always as been shown in MS) help, support, recovery. If we tell someone who may hurt us, we still may not be aware of what is healthy and safe, although perps can be very good at hiding their ferocious behavior under a guise of empathy.

Whether we have thought about it, began to share and laughed it off, threw up or coped it back, or fully disclosed, even confronted, you, me and we began to look for healing. We began to demand more for ourselves than those who have hurt us led us to believe there was available. That day we began to stop listening to their lies.

To the men who have related their shares, these men are a source of encouragement. They are the guides, the promoters of and the continuation of healing and self reliance you and I need to get to know. Look them up, reply to their posts, PM these men you see here in this post, for these men will support you in disclosure, and will show you how recovery begins.

Please fellow survivors, another share?

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#403746 - 07/16/12 05:14 AM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
phoenix321 Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Never again. Every time I did I got burned badly for it even among survivors, and even online.

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

#403787 - 07/16/12 03:29 PM Re: Whom has shared their sexual abuse in RL? [Re: SamV]
wh Offline

Registered: 07/15/12
Posts: 6
Loc: New York
I was sexually abused by my father.

The first time I said anything out loud was to a therapist I started seeing when I was 24.

I learned doctors had to keep secrets, so I became pretty comfortable telling them. I dissassociate, so I don't feel anything when I talk about it. It feels like I'm talking about someone else.

Three years ago I told The first nonmedical person, a trusted mentor. I chose to tell him because he was in no way connected to my social circle. I figured if he rejected me, the damage was limited to my relationship with him. He was supportive and accepting. I didn't tell anyone else after telling him, because I felt so great I thought I'd been "cured". Talking to him was the single most liberating thing I've ever done.

Two years ago my fiancee asked me point blank if I'd been sexually abused, (she'd been doing research on sexual abuse for work). I hadn't planned on telling her...EVER. I was sure she would leave me. She felt like home, and I was terrified of losing her. It led to a rocky couple of weeks, mostly because of my panic, but she has been amazingly supportive. She hates my father, but is a column of strength for me. I started therapy after she found out.

Since then I've disclosed to two other people, new friends. I decided if they were going to be part of my life, they should know the real me. They have both been awesome, and it is so much easier to be with them than my other friends, because I can tell them what's up.

There have been some people I regret telling. My fiancee felt trapped because she had no one to talk to about what was going on, and how she was feeling about my abuse, etc. So, I told her she could tell a friend outside our social circle. Mistake. The person she told is super nice, but lives in our building, and now I always feel awkward around her. I also made the mistake of telling my future mother-in-law...don't really know what I was thinking there. She is pretty coo-coo, and was sort of cold.

Telling people feels great, but I still haven't told anyone from my childhood, or anyone in my family. My mum is still married to my dad and has no idea. I almost told her at lunch the other day, but held off and said I had something important to talk to her about in a couple of months. My sister doesn't know.

With each person I tell, the shame decreases and I feel lighter.

I know there will be some negative reactions in the future, which is why I've limited who I've told.

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