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#403647 - 07/14/12 11:42 PM Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying.
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I've been trying to make changes in my life like going to therapy for the past year, working on my recovery, started dating again, and just enrolled in a local community college.

The problem is I don't know how to live with other people in the real world. I have so much rage and hate for everyone normal. I thought I had dealt with my abuse but it seems the process is never ending. I keep finding more and more issues, recently because of dating. I can't seem to hold a woman's interest for a month. They will say I'm great, nice, sweet, and attractive and we have sex, usually rather quickly. Then they will flake out, it makes me feel like a fucking sex toy, like I've been abused all over again. Maybe I'm shit in bed, I don't know.

Through dating the first girl I discovered I had erectile dysfunction caused by porn addiction. That's been a joy to deal with, I've stopped looking at porn but apparently it takes awhile for your brain to fully recover. Now I've figured out that over the years I've become a "nice guy" like someone pointed out the "No More Mr Nice Guy" book to me. Great another issue that needs therapy and a crap load of work to recover from. Then to top it off for some reason women are unable to actually dump anyone they lose interest in. So picture me going back to dating after nearly a decade avoiding it, and I have try and deal with that bullshit too. So I get led on and waste my time all while investing emotionally in someone who doesn't give a fuck about me.

I don't know what to do, maybe I should just pull out of dating again and work on my issues. I'm just so sick of having to deal with all this crap and I feel totally alone. Why can't I just wipe it from my brain and be free of it? Please give me some advice guys, I really feel like ending it all. I don't think I'll ever be happy.

#403652 - 07/15/12 02:06 AM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Happiness comes with time, dear chambers. It is more than we can expect with the history of abuse and victimization we have suffered. Asking for happiness and success in our lives is like asking a ship wreck survivor to go on a cruise, it seems impossible.

But we can hope. Hope is the stuff that we have succeeded in during recovery. You have came forward with the abuse you have survived, realized and processed the coping mechanisms of porn and decided to live healthy in mind, body and spirit. You are reaching out and connecting with positive, affirming people and things. These are all successes in the present or past, and you have a goal for the future.

Be kind fellow survivor, be kind to you. You are not the sum of your experiences, you are what you have begun to make of yourself, and he is good. No brain wiping, the rebuilding process is much faster than the process that broke you down, but it does take time.

The affirmations of your previous successes are not as loud as the loathing, but they will be, let them be soon. You HAVE made these changes and improvements and they are staying, they are the NEW you.

It takes time,
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#403659 - 07/15/12 03:47 AM * [Re: chambers]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 10:10 PM)

#403664 - 07/15/12 05:10 AM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
LuckyOne Offline

Registered: 04/08/12
Posts: 12
Loc: Idaho
Sometimes I think we as survivors misunderstand the meaning of the word happy. We've seen so much of the ugly part of the world that we become consumed with it, and think the only way to get out of it is to have everything nicely lined up and "normal".

A lot of things in my life are still completely f-ed up. And I mean completely. Thinking about the state of my life overwhelms me to where I wonder why I even bother trying to fix it. It's too much. It won't ever be fixed.

Then I realize that I'm looking over all the simple things in life that I DO have that I take for granted every day. There are simple things in my life that do make me "happy". Every morning I get up and go for a run. At work I watch sun rise and have the opportunity to look at beautiful landscapes I ignore every day because I'm too busy being overwhelmed.

I participate in the Big Brother/Big Sister program locally and have a chance to spend time with a boy who is an inspiration to me in every way. I am getting my education, I have the undying love of my dog Lucy, I'm going to make my roommates pancakes tomorrow just because I want to.

My life is a mess. But I'm still able to make the most of it, if I will.

#403710 - 07/15/12 09:59 PM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Thanks for all your support guys. I'm feeling better today, still down though. I was actually content being alone until my therapists pushed me to start going out and dating, now I hate it. Maybe I'll get lucky with this school and it will be great and I'll meet someone there, I can always dream.

#403717 - 07/15/12 11:02 PM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3848
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Chambers, hang on man!
Please think how to socialize yourself more, it hasn't to be only trough dating. That school would be great opportunity for practice of meeting new people smile
I've been lucky to have couple of friends to whom I can relate, talk about some my issues and hang on.
We all need getting as much support as possible trough sharing and connecting to others. You are doing great with your therapy and T, you deserve couple of warm words because of that.
Keep sharing to us.
My story

#403719 - 07/15/12 11:57 PM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 288
Loc: Seattle
Chambers, something is working because whenever I write someting gut-wrenching your always behind me with a positive contribution of your own making me feel less like a loser and more like a "normal." So thanks, man.

Speaking of normal, I get your rage. That's been pretty much my definig mood my entire life -enraged. But check it out. Everyone has awful realities in their lives they have to deal with. I just thank god I'm not famous. Could you imagine having our problems plus a camera crew following you around all the time? TAlk about wanting to end it all. So the "normal" thing is relative. If I came to Virginia and you saw me with my white-ass legs and tacky shorts and disgusting family with smiley happy faces, you would call me normal. With my porn addiction (ongoing) and my fucked self-worth and my rage about my family and my past... more on this later.

#403728 - 07/16/12 01:07 AM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 288
Loc: Seattle
Yeah. On the outside I look normal, kahki pants and all. You'd never know I'm a survivor, so I gues what I'm asking is for you to be a little more generous. Let's give people -"the normals"-the benefit of the doubt. Let's assume most other people have hugely messed-up lives, too. There's is just a different brand.

So anyway that was a huge and regrettable tangent.. not at all what I was meaning to say. Can you believe I'm off drugs?

Your topic ties into the other thread started by DarkHadou called "Dating a Girl." I was thinking on this subject a lot this weekend not sleeping. First of all, I was never healthy enough to go on real "dates" when I was a younger man. Waaaay too alienated and medicated. I was an anti-social train wreck. But I was always desperately lonely. Certain women seemed to get this about me. A few tried to befriend me, perhaps like somebody might adopt a sad puppy. Being utterly clueless, I didn't see this at the time. I don't like me so how could anybody else? Even though I was miserable and lonely and I desperately WANTED companionship, I was not READY for companionship. I've tried to have girlfriends and at no time did my attempt at a relationship ever work out. It always ended ugly or super-ugly. Yeah, I've made mention of a family. I turned the corner just enough to seem like a reasonable person. However I've put my wife thru 8 years of hell. I wasn't ready then either.. just faked it till I made it.

So what I'm trying to say in my scattered way is that it's ok to be by yourself right now. I would suggest it, even though it is painfully lonely. Reach out to people on a friendhip level first. You're going through heavy, heavy shit. Maybe some academic related contact with the outside world is all you can take. Tha's great. It's ok if you're not ready. BTW therpists are great. But they don't know everything - do what feel what's right for you. Ok. over and out.

Edited by scottyg (07/16/12 01:21 AM)
Edit Reason: atrocious spelling

#403782 - 07/16/12 02:59 PM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
Robert1000 Offline

Registered: 06/27/12
Posts: 452
Hey Chambers,

Dating sucks for even the most level-headed and "normal" people, so don't think your experiences necessarily have anything to do with your past.

Think about this: You want to date. You want love in your life. And you're bummed when things don't work the way you want. That's a sign that you're hopeful, that you see the possibility of companionship and love. And hope is a product of strength.

In my life, I've had many reasons to feel hopeless. I think that a lot of us have. I have felt that my failures were inevitable. The worst thing is that I've blamed myself not just for everything done to me, but for everything I've done, including m'bing to porn endlessly when I didn't want to, when all I wanted to do was anything else.

Eventually, I came to realize that all these things are facets of my cycle of shame. I wanted to feel ashamed, because that allowed me to keep blaming myself so I wouldn't have to account for the realities of my life.

And yet I held onto hope. I'd be depressed, often suicidal, but it was hope that kept me alive, as well, quite frankly, as shame. I didn't want to be the kind of person who would kill himself. Also, I honestly worried that I'd kill myself and my wonderful wife and kids would see the porn history on my computer and wonder who I really was.... I'd fear that even the grave wouldn't protect me from the shame and shit that I'd kept hidden all those years.

But in the end... when I literally had nothing else to lose, because my wife and kids would have left me... I started to honestly look at my life, at the things that I had sworn to take with me to the grave.

And you know what? The next six months were probably some of the most painful months of my life! I was completely full of rage and despair! I was still positive that my wife would leave me! I was terrified all the time. I had panic attacks every day and every night. I cried pretty much every time I was alone. I stopped looking at porn because it hurt too much, and because my therapist told me it would be dangerous.

But slowly things began to get better. I started to understand myself a bit better. I resisted positive improvement all the time, now that I look back on it. I didn't write in my journal as much as I should have. I pretended to my therapist half the time that I was better than I was. (I'm an excellent liar/faker/optimist/evader.)

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know that things do get better. Don't hurt yourself. Hey, if you have nothing else to lose and the pain is so terrible, then continue your work on yourself. Write in your journal. When you write something down, it really does tend to lose it's power to bounce around inside you and cause you pain. Talk about those scary, scary things to your therapist that you would much rather ignore. And get some damn barriers. Don't fuck other people before you've developed a deep emotional connection with them. Don't overshare your life story with people. Those things only make you vulnerable. And you need to learn how to live with yourself before you start to share your life with other people.

If you're fascinated by those people with no sexual boundaries, stop and think about it. You're probably fascinated because of the strange and exhilarating combination of shame/pain/pleasure/release. In other words, at some level, you're reenacting your own abuse.

So stop.

You developed those habits to protect yourself from some motherfucking asshole/bitch who hurt you. Now those protective habits are hurting you.

So stop. Step back. You need to develop new habits, new boundaries and new patterns... not to live up to any societal ideas of "normal," but to create safe space for you to feel your feelings honestly and live the existence you want.

Take it easy. Do things that make you feel better. Go for a jog or something. Do an art project. Seriously. And use positive language for yourself. Seriously. Say 10 times, "I'm a good person and I like myself."

You're be all right.

#403784 - 07/16/12 03:13 PM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
You're not giving yourself credit that you have learned and you have made progress. Change is always in steps and not in leaps.

You've reminded me of my conversation with my nephew a few weeks ago. He said, "I remember that time I hadn't seen you in nearly 2 years and I was at grandma's house and I saw this buffed dude with huge arms pass the window outside the house. I asked grandma who that was and I couldn't believe it when she said it was Uncle Keith."

Then my nephew asked me, "Did you get too busy to keep working out?" I answered, "No, I gave it up because I couldn't see it was doing anything for me."

This pretty much sums up how we survivors view our own journey in recovery.

#403825 - 07/16/12 10:53 PM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Thank you so much for your support and advice guys. Robert, I think you're right about the sex thing. Hopefully if I continue to date I'll be able to control my urges and give more time to really get connected with someone before we get intimate.

#403862 - 07/17/12 04:14 AM Re: Nothing is working, I'm sick of trying. [Re: chambers]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
This is a great post. I have dealt with hyper-sexualization my entire life, and I have posted many times about it here on MS. I have spent most of life masturbating to porn. Sex really does become our biggest pre-occupation. I know for me it looks like this: sex = connecting. And again like this: you don't want to have sex with me = I am worthless.

I am seeing the lies for what they are and re-writing the script so to speak. I am choosing how I want to see relationships and how I see sex. And as you said Robert, I am setting boundaries for myself. But it all takes time, and I know that seeking someone to fill the loneliness is misguided. It took me 6 years to realize that fact alone. So I have decided to give up the porn and let my brain return to its natural state. I haven't the slightest clue what that looks like, but I know it's for the better.

Chambers, you are making progress. You have shown a willingness to try dating, and that is no easy feat even for the "normals". You are worth it, and the abuse won't define your future. There is resilience in you friend. Heal well.

I am the warrior.

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