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#402864 - 07/08/12 06:09 AM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I would never think of doing stuff with strangers. My wife's the only woman I'd even remotely be interested. Not to say there weren't temptations in the past but... nothing could make her more attractive than being the woman God chose for me.

You talk of "things not working out the way you want." Sometimes this can be a medical problem that can be treated in a variety of ways.

For me, fear of rejection is a big factor. I am not the same since after the assault and I worry that having been forced to do sexual acts on another man, she might view me differently in the bedroom. As much as she *says* it doesn't matter and that I'm still the same man she married, I am NOT the same and it IS different.

I don't see sex as shameful. It's a beautiful gift from God, designed for the purposes of building marital intimacy and conceiving children. But I'm ashamed of what I did to survive being attacked by a sociopath. the way he talked about certain parts of my body below the waist, he said all kinds of horrible emasculating things. "It might as well not even be there." The words seem to have more power than any loving or kind thing my wife has ever said to me.

He put my body through so much torture and it continues to resurface with flashbacks, body memories etc. I think my capacity to associate my body with pleasure is completely gone.

I will NEVER have sex again. Not with my wife, not with anyone.

I guess men who have casual encounters can do that but can't "perform" with their wives because of intimacy issues. Intimacy is amazing and wonderful. i really miss the years my wife and I spent together before the rape. I can understand why intimacy might be so scary it would make a man run in the opposite direction.

Really good, intimate sex is all about completely giving yourself to your spouse. You open up your whole self to them. After the rape, I don't feel like I have anything to give anymore. I guess in a casual encounter, it is more about using someone/being used which is more familiar to an abuse survivor than marital intimacy.
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#402867 - 07/08/12 12:17 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Thank you for all your responses. They are very helpful, to say the least.

Crux, I am so sorry when I hear your story. Since you have a reference of good healthy intimacy with your wife, don't you think you can get that back? You know what it feels like....

Also, you say you will never have sex with your wife again? Maybe no sex, but how about making love?

#403161 - 07/10/12 05:44 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Confused? Hell yes we are. We have to learn how to be, or should I say, in a normal, loving relationship that we wont get hurt, used or thrown away again.

And this is the paradox, because we supporters, the ones you acted out against, are actually the ones you were safe with all along! We still are! We didn't throw you out! In spite of the betrayal. We stick by you still.

So, I don't understand what's to "learn". It seems like our steadfastness is obvious and would heal that sexual dysfunction, but it oftentimes makes it even worse.

While acting out, there wasn't sexual dysfunction. Had there been, wouldn't it have made a survivor give it up the way he's given up sex with his supporter?

It makes my head hurt trying to understand it. And it angers me to think that my survivor put forth more effort to have sex with himself, his affair partner and prostitutes than he puts forth to have sex with me.

My survivor and I had a busy sex life for a long while. It dwindled over the years, then D-day arrived and I discovered that the only one not having sex was ME! Now that the acting out is over, I'm still not having sex, which makes me wonder if my survivor is still scting out somehow, or if it's a sign that I'm undesirable, or .... I dunno...!!!

'Round and 'round we go.... I just want to be convinced I'm desirable. Or at the very least, that I'm worth the same effort as were whores.


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#403178 - 07/10/12 08:43 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
Hero - I appreciate your statement. I, too, often question my desirability in my partners eyes. He swears he has been faithful, but doesn't understand my suspicion/insecurities, etc. I wish he did. My mind has it so much easier if he did. :-/ Going AWOL not helping seems like a no brainer, and I appreciate these boards to help put some pieces together.

#403196 - 07/10/12 11:52 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I am so with you, Hero, as always.

I know you. You are beautiful inside and out. I know your heart and I have seen your pics. You are gorgeous. It isn't about you. that is easy for me to say to you, sometimes hard to tell myself that.

I really think acting out is with people they consider on their level or below them. We are their equals or maybe they consider us "cleaner" and not so fucked up as they are which is why we are harder to be with.

I am only guessing here but knowing you, seeing you and other friends on here and in my meetings who are beautiful, compassionate and good women and may I add sexy, it can't possibly be us. A hooker can never compare to us, lookswise or otherwise so what could it be?

#403197 - 07/10/12 11:53 PM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
The sexy was to get a giggle out of you!

#403238 - 07/11/12 08:45 AM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
LouLou Offline

Registered: 04/20/12
Posts: 37
You guys have been good at lifting me up when i've felt low, so now i'm going to add something here.
When my husband has sexualised women, believe me, he is not choosy. There is no certain 'look' that he goes for, no certain body type. It can be ANYONE. I'm no bitch but honestly, i often think, "Why her????" The one thing these women tend to have in common, is that they are often dressed very inappropriately or they are behaving inappropriately. I'm sure that most men would double take at a woman dressed like a hooker and just think nothing or "what a tart", but my husband clearly has issues in that he would, in the past, need to find the nearest bathroom in order to masturbate.
Of course, over the years, i would question my desirability. But i reached a stage about a year or so ago where i thought i mustn't do this anymore. I have a lovely face, a great figure and an amazing heart. This dysfunction that my husband has MAKES NO SENSE. The only thing i know is that he was never looking at their faces!
Lucy, you are damn right. No hooker, no porn actress, NO ONE will ever compare to us. I absolutely stand firm on that.
It has absolutely nothing to do with looks, i'm slowly beginning to see that. Please, do not allow this crap to make you question your own self worth. I know far too many women who have been battered down emotionally by others, for whatever reason, and who have become incredibly insecure. It nearly happened to me.
Stay strong in yourselves. This dysfunction has no reflection on you.
Louise xx

#403475 - 07/13/12 09:19 AM Re: Sexual dysfunction and survivors... [Re: lucylives]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3857
Loc: South-East Europe
Hy guys I've just bump to an old thread about survivor who loves his wife and has problems in preforming at same time; maybe it could be helpful for reading:
My story

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