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#403022 - 07/09/12 05:42 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
sorry - just editing a post where I stated thing earlier. :-\ Still new to "workings" of the boards. Sorry about this li'l hiccup. smile

Edited by Haps (07/09/12 05:44 PM)
Edit Reason: I repeated myself! :)

#403025 - 07/09/12 05:59 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
JLM35 -- Wow. That's really hard to read.

I'm working to get to a place where I can love myself and stop having all these expectations on my partner. Granted, it's not "50/50", and I no longer live the fantasy that it will be. I'll celebrate 50/50 on day. At least I hope to.

Re: the expectations - I realize that I may have grown up with some unrealistic expectations. Part of the turmoil that existed in my own house growing up: anger as a result on unmet expectations. I'm sure my subconscious thinks "Oh, here's this great guy with whom I can get all my unmet childhood needs met!" ::eye roll::

I want to be loved for who I am. I want to love myself for who I am. And, the only way I'm going to be able to get it is to be able to give it. First to myself. Second to someone else.

There's a lot of power in forgiveness. I believe that we only do what we know how to do at the time. We can learn and grow. We can apologize for what we've done wrong if we realize we have do so. That's the best we can do as humans.

I sat on the floor yesterday in tears hugging my partner apologizing for all the BS I did to make him think he was anything less than lovable. I'm even tearing up now. It was a wonderful thing because I FINALLY didn't expect him to give it back to me in the moment. He doesn't know that I'm here on these boards. He's not dealing with his CSA issues for what they are that I'm aware of. He's gone in the backdoor through an ADHD diagnosis.

A lot of ramble, yes, but two things. 1) I'm working through my own guilt of treating him like crap, and 2) I really don't believe anyone is unlovable. I'm hoping that it's only a small step AWAY from each other that will lead us closer to each other in the future.

#403036 - 07/09/12 07:53 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
Good for you, Joe. It really looks like you are doing the hard work of recovery. 12 step meetings are a great healing tool. With the drinking and all the work you are doing, I am sure any woman would be lucky to have you when u are ready.

For those of us who are still in the storm, it is hell. Been almost 2 years for us. I see great glimmers of the man he is going to become after all this but the road is so long and soooooooooooo painful. Lots of therapy for us, Sex Ad. meetings for him and co-meetings for me and it is still very very difficult.

I feel like finding out about my husband's secret life has been the most traumatic thing in my life and I have not had the Leave it to Beaver life. I have had quite a bit of trauma in my life but this is different. This cqame at the hands of the peerson who is supposed to love me. I still have nightmares where I am jerking and crying out in my sleep. PTSD>? probably. Wouldn't wish this on anyone......I think things are getting better for the most part but it is so hard to trust my intuition now that I can't be sure.

As I write the above paragraph, I think about many of the survivors who were abused "at the hands of the person who was supposed to love them" too and I feel your pain. No wonder this is all so hard for all of you.......My husband's abusers were strangers..that makes it hard for me to accept the problems with intimate relationships for him.

#403047 - 07/09/12 10:31 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 541
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi KL24,

I'm a "friend" of a survivor. You're young, and sound reasonably healthy and compassionate. Me, I'd forget about him, and go to a fun dance and find a guy with no issues!

"Friendship" sounds great in theory, but in practice, there is alot of aggravation. Seriously, I'd go to a dance and have fun. When he's better, he'll be able to find a girl.


#403066 - 07/10/12 01:23 AM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi KL,

As somebody who was abused, up until a year or so ago, I wouldn't marry me knowing what I now know. All your feelings would, I think, be absolutely normal for significant others. There are so many ways for an abused person to unintentionly wreck a family and or themselves.

Personally I used hookers rather than "normal sex." I drank. I suffered depression. I have no social skills. I couldn't talk to a female other than normal chatting unless I knew them for months, if not years - every body had to earn my trust including my doctor. I have refused sex with a very good friend and on the list goes.

I didn't know mentally what I was doing even though I knew it was all wrong. What your boyfriend will need is your support. Do not allow him to use you for his own good.

One book I've seen people mention as a good book for dependants / significant others is called "Co-dependant No More"

You have to keep your own health up to be able to help him. Even if it's just going for a coffee or for a walk, take the time you need to relax.
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#403156 - 07/10/12 05:22 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
do you think there is a difference because you guys are committed? my partner says he can't tell what he feels for me. He is confused and needs us to be friends, (but in reality i am putting in all the work of a relationship, time and energy but not physical interaction and no relational commitment) and i was working with this and then when i went out of town as "friends" he slept with two other girls. its terrifying to recommit as deep friends, knowing there is no commitment- i am so lonely even as his friend. i am lonely with him and lonely without him.


Awwww, sweetheart. I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. I wish I could shower you with rainbows and lollipops, but the truth is that you've answered your own question in your own reply.

I'm a 51-year-old mom of three, step-mom of four, grandmother of six, and I'm going to adopt you as one of my own and give you the same advice I'd give my own child.

There is nothing in this relationship that can sustain it long-term. Until two human beings go out into the world, fumble through some relationships, become independent and strong in mind, body, spirit and heart, they simply are incapable of joining their lives. Your beloved has much to experience still. He doesn't know his own self, much less anyone else, which is why he can't say how he feels about you.

The highs and lows of this hide and seek relationship are so dynamic that you are held rapt. Sometimes, even things that hurt are sought after because even if it hurts and leaves you cold, it's SOMETHING.

The truth is that this relationship has/is teaching you both a lot about yourselves and what you desire from life. You both need to venture out there and try on some other relationships. When compared to the relationship you have now, you WILL find that what your heart desires requires more than what you're getting. This can be said even if CSA weren't a factor!

Because CSA is a factor for you, you must be even more vigilant in seeing the realities from the wishful thinking.

Would I have married my beloved had I known about his CSA beforehand??? Sure! Because I wouldn't have know the destruction it was going to wreak in our lives.

Would I have married him had I known about the destruction? HELL NO!!!

However, because we are married and have built a life together that includes kids and grandkids, a mortgage, car payments, a 401k, bills and credit scores, which was built with and investment of eleven years of life into our union, it's not just a matter of breaking up.

I'm very, very blessed because I know that my husband did love me before we married. He'd never cheated on me from the moment we "knew". He did know how he felt about me in those sweet, early day, and he could, and did, express it. During our marriage, there weren't extreme highs and lows for us; life was really very sweet and comfy, and I was very happy to have found my soul mate. We share a love of God and a committment to become better people- together. This was the foundation of our relationship, so when the affects of his CSA tore through our lives, we had some foundation left to rebuild on. Without that foundation of mutual love and committment, we would be over.

I hear you saying you don't have that foundation with your survivor. So, as your "mother", I am compelled to advise you to leave this relationship behind as it will not survive. I advise you to move on to your soul mate, whom you will find once you put into practice the things this relationship has taught you.

I further advise you, in the most heartfelt terms, to refrain from sex in a new relationship until you are certain of your feelings and are certain of his feelings for you, his sense of what is and what isn't committment and faithfulness, and until you both have committed to a long-term relationship. Truly, premature sex only clouds your perception and leaves you emotionally handicapped. It confuses your psyche so that you have a horrible time admitting that a relationship is a waste of time. I suspect this is part of your confusion in determining the worth of a relationship which clearly doesn't enhance your life.

Godspeed, sweet soul!

For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#403162 - 07/10/12 06:04 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
scottyg Offline

Registered: 06/26/12
Posts: 289
Loc: Seattle
HeroWannabe, today you are my Hero Incarnate! This response is beautifully written and so full of sage insights. I hope that one day I can be as articulate as you are here. Masterfully done!

Can you adopt me, too?

#403169 - 07/10/12 07:11 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline

Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
Herowannabe. WOW. thank you. i PM'd you with a response. i am so lucky for the friendships of this forum. THANK YOUUU

#403430 - 07/12/12 09:41 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Herowannabe touched on the absolute most important thing: a strong foundation.

Before our marriage went all to hell in a flaming basket of deep fried turd, my husband and I really liked each other. We were friends. We enjoyed each others company. We were really great partners in the business of our relationship. And it wasn't until Hero wrote what she did that I figured out why have managed to stick it out this long during this nightmarish time.

So really, I am just seconding Hero and re-emphasizing my previous advice. Little young for adopted grown children, but consider yourself adopted as a little sister.

See? We're all one big freakin' happy family here! Who's bringing the deviled eggs to the reunion picnic???

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