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#403538 - 07/13/12 11:15 PM Re: Dating a girl [Re: DarkHadou]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
Originally Posted By: DarkHadou
women don't really want to date men who were sexually abuse, only a few wouldn't mind, I don't want to be seen as weak and I don't want to have sex with her knowing I had sex with my dad, it's only fair to have both who were abused, that's the only way I would really feel comfortable

I wouldn't disclose my abuse to someone I was dating unless I had been seeing them for quite awhile and knew they really cared for me. You're probably going to end up having sex with someone you're dating before that ever gets brought up unless you bring it up.

Robert is really spot on about the oversharing and issues you will encounter if you and/or the person you're seeing hasn't dealt with past abuse.

I'm discovering all this as I've started dating again, it really sucks. I've found that I still have a lot of work to do for my own recovery. Honestly I'm sick of it, sick of trying, sick of failing, sick of being fucked up, and no one caring.

Edited by chambers (07/13/12 11:15 PM)

#403607 - 07/14/12 03:36 PM Re: Dating a girl [Re: DarkHadou]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
DH, and guys,
I believe this is one of the bravest and most helpful threads we've had on the site.
Thanks for bringing this up, DH, and thanks to everyone who is posting on it.
Taking the risk and building healthy relationships is one of the most important steps we survivors can take.

#403667 - 07/15/12 05:51 AM Re: Dating a girl [Re: DarkHadou]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4197
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
i am married. but i can still relate to this thread.

when my history of CSA came out and the tactics i was using to try to cope were discovered by my wife, it put us into a weird limbo state - living together and sleeping in the same bed - but i was so triggered that i couldn't even attempt anything sexual. and she was so traumatized by the huge can of worms she had opened up, that she couldn't handle it either.

now we are in a strange situation - almost like "dating" - with me trying to court her all over again. trying to win her trust and affection and work up to the point where we can be sexually intimate - for the first time. because intimacy was not anything we had before - not emotional or sexual. i was always so detached and had so many reservations - not letting her get close to me because of fear and insecurity.

and i think that the important part is the intimacy - letting myself be known for the first time without reservations. i knew she loved me before - and i did the best i could t love her - but felt stunted and limited in my ability to feel and express love. i knew that there was probably more - but had no idea how to get there. you can't really receive unconditional love unless some of the "conditions" are out there that could cause a less persistent and accepting lover to back away or shut you down.

so now - i think we might be getting closer to a more physically fulfilling relationship - but only because i am stopping the hiding and deception and withholding and becoming more vulnerable. it is VERY SCARY. i'm like - this is me - warts and all - take me or leave me. amazingly - she is still with me. whatever happens next - it is still better than it was before.

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#403683 - 07/15/12 03:27 PM Re: Dating a girl [Re: DarkHadou]
clay Offline

Registered: 06/16/12
Posts: 1
Loc: Select a State
Twenty years ago I lost the girl of my dreams over my sexual dysfunction. we both were 23 and didn't know how to handle my issues. Broke off engagement and a bitter breakup. Thought I was gay due to I couldn't "do it" with a girl. Been in a gay relationship for 17 years and I had a trigger earlier this year. Realize now that I've never done "it" with anyone, that I'm not gay that I was so messed up from the abuse. Have a great counselor helping scrape to the bottom of the barrel. Very good friends with exfiance, she understands now. Partner of 17 years is not taking this well at all, thinks I'm having a midlife crisis. He won't go to counseling with me. Ready to be out of this relationship but I feel guilty doing this to him. I realize now that I didn't want to do it with girls because of past failure with my fiance. Scary road ahead for me but I have to conquer the demons that the abuser put in my head. This site has been great in my recovery.

Edited by clay (12/06/12 02:53 AM)

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