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#402696 - 07/06/12 02:34 AM unplanned pregnancy and abuse - effects?
Damien42 Offline

Registered: 10/17/09
Posts: 43
Loc: Australia
hey there, was wondering if anyone else on this forum has had to deal with an unplanned pregnancy of a girlfriend and subsequent ?abortion? I was molested by my older sister at around 9-10 years old. I survived that. I was 18 and had a very beautiful girlfriend. We were going out for about a year. For three-quarters of that time I was responsible for contraception, using condoms. I was vigilant. I always used a condom. we did not get pregnant. Then we went on to the pill. I say "we" because i think I still had an idea of what trust was. Anyway, after we broke up I get a call, I'm pregnant, Its because I haven't been taking the pill properly...

I felt violated deep inside but could not get angry. I think I thought the abuse was happening again... or something. I felt betrayed, powerless, and if I had put forward an opinion on the outcome of the pregnancy, I would have found my desires utterly irrelevent. Abortion is legal, it is a female issue, no-one gives a shit about male reproductive rights.

this situation and the way I stuffed all my feelings down inside to be yet again a strong male for a fucked up female finished me off in life. Just left with the guilt and the shame and the sense of extreme failure...

Is there a connection between abuse and abortion. The way it all swirls around in the mind. I was abused by my sister, then betrayed by my girlfriend, and if I had somehow had the god lkike strength to deal with that, and say I want this child, she would have said "Well, im going to kill your kid anyway and there is nothing you can do about it..." or something like that.

I have been buried by female shit in my family then in the world through this girlfriend and "female abortion rights" bullshit. It is all a total mind fuck. And all I ever hear in the media is - men are abusive, women are poor victims. men like abortion because they are irrespponsible by nature. No-one cares or is interested in what the male is going through at all. regarding previous abuse in childhood or the effect of the law on his dicision making or basic ability to express himself. For a man confronted with an unplanned pregnancy, the law legally proscribes him from taking responsibility. But all I here from the media is he's either a fuckwit or irrispnsible.

all very mind fucking indeed. Apologies for the profanity.

Can anyone relate to this scenario? Has anyone here been confronted with an unplanned pregnancy the outcome of which they feel powerless to determine, and triggering all this other childhood crap that leaves me debilitated and speachless and empty.

Edited by Damien42 (07/06/12 02:39 AM)

#402999 - 07/09/12 02:29 PM Re: unplanned pregnancy and abuse - effects? [Re: Damien42]
expom Offline

Registered: 01/07/09
Posts: 126
Loc: Australia
Hi Damien

I, too, long for the day when men are treated as equal to women - with equal access to free services and where society unites behind a campaign that says "NO To Violence" and does not say 'nor to violence against women'.

As a Registered Nurse working in Operating Theatres, I have seen first hand the pain that you so eloquently describe when I have had to deal with the male partners of women coming to the theatres I've worked in; Women who are undergoing surgery to deal with miscarriages and pregnancies that do not end with a living baby (terminations and still born).

Information from the Australian Federal Government a few years ago showed that several million dollars was returned to the Govs coffers - money that had been set aside for the provision of free counselling for women who had (for whatever reason) undergone an abortion. During that same period not a single cent had been allocated to provide counselling support for the male partners of these women.

My observation is that the psychological damage to men is every bit as profound as that of women yet we are expected to suck it up, build a bridge and get over it.

I spoke recently with a couple whose unborn had died and needed to be surgically removed (please forgive me for being clinical). They were both gutted but I was able to spend a bit of time with them and suggested a couple of things that I know have helped others.

First I suggested that they acknowledge their right to grieve the loss of the child and all the promise that that life had held.

I suggested that they perform some form of rite or ceremony. I suggested that they write the unborn a letter telling of their love and what they had hoped for and then, maybe, taking that letter to a favourite spot and ceremonially burning the letter.

The husband valued the opportunity to have a shoulder to cry on while his wife was under the anaesthetic - he, too, had no control over what was going on.

I don't know how they got on but I will never forget the look of gratitude that his wife showed me when she came round from the anaesthetic.

Damien, I know that I am in the minority in being forthright enough to meet grieving dads (and expectant dads) at their point of need when our paths cross.

Together you and I can add our voices to those other guys who know that the inequality of treatment of the genders is not right and that we are prepared to speak up about it. And, of course, I mean that men are the ones who are bearing the brunt of the mistreatment - as you say, not just by the media but by society as a whole.


I endured all my yesterdays. I prevail in all of my todays. I exercise my right to be able to enjoy my tomorrows. I choose not to do it alone.

#403685 - 07/15/12 04:16 PM Re: unplanned pregnancy and abuse - effects? [Re: Damien42]
StarBuck31 Offline

Registered: 06/21/12
Posts: 10
Loc: FL, Pensacola
Hi, my names tom:

At sixteen i got in to a relationship wit a married woman and man, they woudl get high and drunk and ues me as sex toy. After he would get done beating the shit out of me, I would end up up being ridden harder and put away wet by her. I think she got off on watching me get beat up. He eventualy left her, and him leaveing her, was like him leavieng me and i was so upset. We found comfort in one another, and being sixteen and very naive about birth control, she ended up geting pergant. I beged her for days and days to pleas keep my baby, that all she had to do was have him or her, and me and my parents would take care of it. How much i loved it, and wanted it. Then she told me she aborted it, weeks ago, and there was nothing left inside of her. i cried for days and days, and i never told my boyferind Mike, the day we met was the day she told me she aborted the baby. November the 5th. That was me and mikes anviersy so i never forgot.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. (formerly Aberrant30)

#403696 - 07/15/12 07:21 PM Re: unplanned pregnancy and abuse - effects? [Re: Damien42]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
(((((hugs))))) to all who posted here.

Losing a child is a terrible thing to go through, no matter how it was conceived, planned or unplanned, born or unborn. My wife and I lost a child the day she was born, and she also miscarried a few unborn children as well. Few things will make a man feel more helpless than losing a child, I cannot imagine dealing with abortion or abuse on top of that and could see how it would further magnify the feelings of helplessness.

I think there are organizations out there for men who are hurting because their children were aborted. I can't remember anything off the top of my head but I think it is Project Rachel or something like that?
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross


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