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#402944 - 07/09/12 03:26 AM no answers.
betterdays Offline

Registered: 06/22/12
Posts: 3
Loc: tennessee
i am sorry for the title of the post. it seemed most fitting for what i'm thinking.
quite honestly the truth is that i have questioned for my entire life (i'm only 27 but it is still roughly 15 years to know something is off.)
not only my orientation but my gender identity. at one point i managed to somehow decide that i had it under control and when on with life. it was still present in my mind and i was still very seriously unsure what i was.
the problem with all of this is that i met a woman whom i love and have two wonderful kids. these thoughts and obsessions are just plain not wanted. i love my family and i'm not gonna go and try to "explore" this topic. i don't really know how to come to terms with this or even how to answer the questions that plague me.
it is so much that i have fantasized about being a woman for a very long time. iv'e had curiosities about gay sex for as long as iv'e been aware of sex.
i used to even cross dress in private and at one point early in our marriage my wife used to participate in ways that helped me to stave off the concerns. it ultimately proved to be something that wasn't good for her emotionally but she did try.
and she has been understanding about the how much this has hurt me in the last few years. even knowing how much i hate so many parts of being male she is still here.

i just don't know how to get this under control and move on with life. i'm not happy with myself but i don't know that i would be better off as a woman. i just feel lost and confused.

the question that keeps going through my mind to ask is "how long does this torture last before i can answer this **** question" but, i know that there is no pure and simple answer. more that anything i hope that someone has some advice to offer on how to figure this out. i feel that i could eventually come to peace with this if i just knew what to come to peace with.

thank you to anyone that reads this. i'm very sorry for the long story. i just felt like i needed to let it out somewhere.

#402972 - 07/09/12 07:27 AM Re: no answers. [Re: betterdays]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
there are better days

oh contrairre, there are answers.

it comes with understanding you dont "get it under control". you get it by doing exactly what you are now doing. putting it out there. and exploring it does not mean you love your famiily any less. it may mean you love them even more.

you being in touch with the real you no matter who or what that is makes you a better person, whether man or woman.

but the counter argument of 'you made your bed now lie in it' is just that - a lie. it says you never evolve or change or are able to gain insite and grow as a human. you would never say to your kids, you would never say to them, "son ,you have a job now stick with it, even with more education, knowledge, and training - stick your head in the sand, suck it up and earn your piddly little pay check". All any caring parent wants is for their child to be happy. y are you not entitled?. doesnt a path to less suffering and angst which you clearly live , make more sense than the emotional careening you experience on this one?

you will come to your realization when you're ready, have an epiphany or a crisis, or like rosa parks , are just plain tired.

your brain at your age is just finally developed, it takes time to appreciate where you are, what your goal in life is and where you are going.

dont apologize, its unnecessary. you entitled to your peace as much as anyone.

be kind to yourself, you are going to need the compassion.

keep speaking your truth no matter how painful it is a first, it becomes less so, it just does
there are as many answers to as many questions as you have, live or imagine. the cast is not die, the ink is not dry and there are more options than we can usually see ourselves. you just need to know that.

i spent the first have of my life in that fixed and ill-fitted mode, a pattern well entrenched and re-sodded. who knew there was a whole other garden on the other side of the gait. i have a better relationship with my kids, my ex my work my friends my life my sleep my dreams.

i refuse to accept the "no answers", i can't, its impossible, what if, there is no choice, you arent me speak for yourself, it gets worse, i am not you, this is as good as it gets - camp anymore. unresolved trauma and identity brings no peace if it is left unresolved.

cheers and my heartfelt best wishes and intentions

The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#403580 - 07/14/12 04:52 AM Re: no answers. [Re: betterdays]
betterdays Offline

Registered: 06/22/12
Posts: 3
Loc: tennessee
that was a very well thought out answer. so much so that i have contemplated for days since then and now just what to say.
iv'e attempted to try to accept or at least entertain the idea more. iv'e really gained a deep respect for those of you that have managed to come through this.

i want so badly to find some peace in this but i also don't want my wife to be my ex. that is so terrifying to me. i just can not imagine life with out her. iv'e tried to just let the idea be. to feel neutral about it. every time i try i find that i am worried about how this will effect others. the others being my wife and kids and her family. that have all been so wonderful to me. and what about work? how would i hide this there? i couldn't possibly stay in my town.
i feel like my life would end. even though i could begin again i suppose.

it's enough at times that i just don't want to keep going on through this. it's went on for a long time. i just want it to be over and to be able to feel pleasantly about myself.
i don't want to be ashamed. i don't want to harbor such putrid feelings towards what i am or may be.

i am not implying that people who are gay or transgendered or anything else are bad. just that i feel i am.

#403632 - 07/14/12 08:38 PM Re: no answers. [Re: betterdays]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Betterdays,
I'm sorry that you have such important questions about self unanswered.
I've bump these days to one thread that could be interesting for you to read (?):
You are not alone, keep searching further, I hope you'll find some answers.
My story

#509218 - 04/19/17 02:33 PM Re: no answers. [Re: betterdays]
Donald177 Offline

Registered: 01/12/17
Posts: 60
Loc: USA
Hello Betterdays,

As I was reading your post, my mind went to were you sexually abused as a child? I know for me, I was sexually abused from the age of 4 until I was 18. I always thought I was gay. I acted out in my early 20's with many men. One, I was looking for a father figure as my dad committed suicide when I was 11. Two, all I knew about was taking care of the male genitalia so I knew I was gay. I have been married for 19 years now and I have 3 amazing boys. My marriage has been rocky the entire time. It wasn't until the past 4 months that my wife and I connected on a much greater level when I shared what was going on within my head. We have been the closest we have been since getting married.

From my abuse, I thought I was gay. The wiring of my brain was altered due to my sexual abuse. Were you sexually abused and this is the direction your brain was altered? You do not have to answer this question for me or anyone else here. Just wanted to offer my experience and results from my abuse. Yes, I still struggle with same sex attraction but it's not as strong today as it was a year ago. I can now see men in a different light verses being a sexual object. Keep that communication line open with your wife. My wife was ready to leave me until I finally opened up to her. She doesn't always like what I have to share, but she knows that whatever I share with her it is a struggle for me and she wants to offer support to help me get through it.

I hope that what I have shared will help you in some way. I wish you and your family the very best.

Many blessings,


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