do you think there is a difference because you guys are committed? my partner says he can't tell what he feels for me. He is confused and needs us to be friends, (but in reality i am putting in all the work of a relationship, time and energy but not physical interaction and no relational commitment) and i was working with this and then when i went out of town as "friends" he slept with two other girls. its terrifying to recommit as deep friends, knowing there is no commitment- i am so lonely even as his friend. i am lonely with him and lonely without him.
Awwww, sweetheart. I'm so sorry for your hurting heart. I wish I could shower you with rainbows and lollipops, but the truth is that you've answered your own question in your own reply.
I'm a 51-year-old mom of three, step-mom of four, grandmother of six, and I'm going to adopt you as one of my own and give you the same advice I'd give my own child.
There is nothing in this relationship that can sustain it long-term. Until two human beings go out into the world, fumble through some relationships, become independent and strong in mind, body, spirit and heart, they simply are incapable of joining their lives. Your beloved has much to experience still. He doesn't know his own self, much less anyone else, which is why he can't say how he feels about you.
The highs and lows of this hide and seek relationship are so dynamic that you are held rapt. Sometimes, even things that hurt are sought after because even if it hurts and leaves you cold, it's SOMETHING.
The truth is that this relationship has/is teaching you both a lot about yourselves and what you desire from life. You both need to venture out there and try on some other relationships. When compared to the relationship you have now, you WILL find that what your heart desires requires more than what you're getting. This can be said even if CSA weren't a factor!
Because CSA is a factor for you, you must be even more vigilant in seeing the realities from the wishful thinking.
Would I have married my beloved had I known about his CSA beforehand??? Sure! Because I wouldn't have know the destruction it was going to wreak in our lives.
Would I have married him had I known about the destruction? HELL NO!!!
However, because we are married and have built a life together that includes kids and grandkids, a mortgage, car payments, a 401k, bills and credit scores, which was built with and investment of eleven years of life into our union, it's not just a matter of breaking up.
I'm very, very blessed because I know that my husband did love me before we married. He'd never cheated on me from the moment we "knew". He did know how he felt about me in those sweet, early day, and he could, and did, express it. During our marriage, there weren't extreme highs and lows for us; life was really very sweet and comfy, and I was very happy to have found my soul mate. We share a love of God and a committment to become better people- together. This was the foundation of our relationship, so when the affects of his CSA tore through our lives, we had some foundation left to rebuild on. Without that foundation of mutual love and committment, we would be over.
I hear you saying you don't have that foundation with your survivor. So, as your "mother", I am compelled to advise you to leave this relationship behind as it will not survive. I advise you to move on to your soul mate, whom you will find once you put into practice the things this relationship has taught you.
I further advise you, in the most heartfelt terms, to refrain from sex in a new relationship until you are certain of your feelings and are certain of his feelings for you, his sense of what is and what isn't committment and faithfulness, and until you both have committed to a long-term relationship. Truly, premature sex only clouds your perception and leaves you emotionally handicapped. It confuses your psyche so that you have a horrible time admitting that a relationship is a waste of time. I suspect this is part of your confusion in determining the worth of a relationship which clearly doesn't enhance your life.
Godspeed, sweet soul!