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#402997 - 07/09/12 02:11 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
JoeUniverseHP Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
I find this an interesting topic.

I hope it is appropriate for me to post here, as a survivor?

As a CSA survivor who is really looking hard at themselves and in hardcore recovery (I am sober 4.5 years in AA, and I go to sex and love addicts anonymous meetings, survivors of incest anonymous, I browse Alanon, I have a male sex abuse support group, and I do yoga) I have to say that I wouldn't want to marry or be with me, when I was in my sickness.

I was engaged to be married briefly before I went to SLAA. It was a relationship with a childhood friend whom I met when I was sober in AA. We had been together for 3 years, and she has an abusive father so she is attracted to sick people, like myself. I bought her a ring at the end of the relationship, she got the validation she wanted, and basically cooled off to me/left me.

Anyway the point is, for the last year or so of the relationship, I would wait until she went to sleep to act out with porn for a couple of hours. I was not AVAILABLE for a relationship until I checked myself into SLAA for my porn addiction/reliance.

So to wrap it up, no. I would not marry a CSA survivor unless they are in active recovery. I am only now, 6 months into my SLAA sobriety, finally realizing how I behaved, and how I was selling my relationship very short!!!!! Although I knew the porn was not good all along. Anyway, hell no! Stay away from sick people. Stick with people in recovery.

That's my $.02...Essentially I was very unfit for a relationship. Still am...I will be given clearance to date during my 9th step in SLAA.

I have heard great things about coda and Alanon seems to be pretty helpful for many people although I prefer SLAA for my situation.

Just my opinion. Best wishes.

#402998 - 07/09/12 02:18 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Valkyrie Offline

Registered: 04/27/12
Posts: 167
Joe - thank you for your input! I can't speak for the others, but I'm glad you posted.

I wouldn't say that I sought out a sick person. My husband is so successful and I really and truly had no idea how deep his issues went until the last two years.

But it is important to understand the sex addiction in context. Like alcohol, like drugs, like watching porn, it is a way he self-medicates. It's not an excuse, but it is necessary to understand where it comes from.

DOES NOT make it any less painful!

I don't know about everyone else, but I am really get a lot out of this, thank you KL24 for posting this question.

#403003 - 07/09/12 02:57 PM mkn10 ~ a long winded answer! [Re: mkn10]
alw72 Offline

Registered: 07/09/12
Posts: 9
Loc: New York

Life is a TON better now then when he told me 8 years ago. But the road hasn't been easy. He told me one night very quickly ad then didn't speak about it again for months. But it all made sense to me then, the drinking, he was absent when we did have sex, his fear of red heads, and the list goes on and on and on.

Our boys were coming to the age of when his abuse started, his step mother had passed away and his abuser (non family member) showed up at her funeral (I didn't know of the abuse at the time). It.was.the.perfect.storm. and it all unleashed! He started drinking more (20+ beers a night), telling me that if I really knew him I would hate him (we had been married for 4 years and I thought I knew him~ lol). I gave him a choice he could choose the family that he said he so desperately wanted by going to a therapist and to start to hash things out or I was leaving. My boys deserved a healthy father and I deserved a husband who cared enough about himself to get help.

Ha! if it were only that easy. Finding a therapist that he trusted was difficult. Add a move to a new state in there, more drinking, the sudden death of his father, being let go from his job that we moved for....Yep! That was the perfect storm! the storm before was just a warm up! I had to give him another ultimatum. He had 6 months to start to get a grip on his life, the drinking, the self loathing, the distance between us etc....or I was going to have to take or children and go. NOT because I didn't love him but because I deeply loved him and the children we had together. I knew that in his right mind he wouldn't want the boys seeing him just existing and not living.

That is when I got into my own personal therapy cause I knew I needed to take care of me (best thing I ever did~ I certainly couldn't talk to family or friends about this, they only saw him as a drunk) We also found an amazing couples therapist who helped connect him up with his own therapist. He was eventually diagnosed bi-polar II (I guess more of a environment cause then only a biological one) and life began to settle some. It was difficult for him to accept the diagnosis at first but that was short because life became clear to him the more he learned with his therapist. Some of his actions made sense to him and he felt that he wasn't loosing it. He now has many coping skills and tools in what we call his "healthy" tool box. That doesn't mean he doesn't visit the "unhealthy" tool box, he still does but not as often. He rarely drinks in excess, he doesn't drift in to his deep depression as deeply or for as long anymore, he acknowledges that some of his reactions are knee jerk because of triggers. He has to work very hard to stay in the moment and be present for us as a family.

We continue to have peaks and valleys~ WE ALWAYS WILL! Not only was my husband being abused by the babysitter his mother was unhealthy. She verbally and physically abused him as all of this was going on...I mean horrible unspeakable things to him! So my little onion, as I lovingly call him, has many layers of abuse, hurt, confusion and everything else all rolled up into one.

But this experience has brought us closer then we ever have been, intimate in many ways then we ever have been before. Its taken me a while to get to the point to truly believe this but...the troubles in our marriage are not about me, he isn't rejecting me he really loves me. Sex is an act to him not an expression of love and trust. His expression of love and trust was sharing with me his deepest darkest secrets knowing that I would protect them like my own and love him regardless. I find comfort that he loves me to be able to share this pain with me and he doesn't need to do this alone anymore.

It has gotten better. But that is my story, my husband has worked hard, I have worked hard and we have worked hard together. There have been many times when I have want to give up because i just didn't have anymore strength. As others have posted there are days where I am ready to leave and the next day I find the strength to stay and we hit a peak for a while. This is my married life and I have chosen to stay. You need to find what is right for you...please message me anytime you need to!

Prayers and strength to you~

#403005 - 07/09/12 03:04 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline

Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
Yeah, he slept with the two girls when we were working on our foundation to the relationship- we were still dating, he said it was not his best judgment......

its so hard because he slept with them and now wont even touch me, hold my hand or hug me because he wants to establish boundaries which of course is good but its just feels like double rejection at some points. when i was expressing my hurt he was honest and sorry but there were other conversations where he basically said he can't meet all my needs in my hurting right now. which having read material i understood, i understood that even though i was hurt i would have to do a lot of repair work myself... that even though he damaged my self esteem i could not fully rely on him to make me feel good in that way again- and then i just got so sad.... and asked myself, yes i could do all this work but will this be my entire life?

you have all been so gracious to share such intimate emotions with me. If not for this support group i would feel completely alone... yesterday was such a hard day for me, i was hurt... he couldn't really help, expressing the hurt terrified me because i didn't want to fight, he was distant so i felt more alone... it is so nice to have a group of people who understand and care to help me process...

#403007 - 07/09/12 03:13 PM Re: mkn10 ~ a long winded answer! [Re: KL24]
TimHorton Offline

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
alw72 - a beautiful story. I can only hope at this point that my marriage will follow a similar path.

#403008 - 07/09/12 03:23 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline

Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
Joe thank you for posting, everyone's input means a lot.

the common thread between lots of your guys stories is that there is the marriage commitment... i was telling my partner that its tricky because most of the material is for relationship/committed couples and he and i are not 'committed' i feel ultra committed to him but i do not get the same in return. There are no children, there is no marriage, and in the low moments i ask myself... what am i trying to save here? a relationship that kinda only exists on my side??

recently its been even more difficult because he says he can't determine what i mean to him, that he knows i am special but he can't determine if its romantic, friendship,and is not even sure what it means for someone to be special to another person.... had i felt there was no threat of him cheating on me this information might be easier to swallow but the fact that he was with these other girls when i was gone makes it all very painful...

and to be honest i feel selfish throwing in the towel, that probably sounds co-dep, and maybe it is, and i also see so many amazing qualities in him that i love and want around me... but i am not sure i am being realistic..

and to be extra vulnerable i am so lonely already i can't imagine not having him there at all, i get scared and sad thinking of doing the breakup thing with him again- but right now our "friendship"feels like a dating relationship without the sex, we are exes who have walked through heavy life situations, i have spend time and energy healing myself and educating myself on CSA and that feels very intimate to me, its working hard for a relationship that he keeps saying is 'friends' which in his world makes it okay to 'have other friends'-

he told me not to equate friendship with sex, but how could i not? and why would he even keep the door open for more female friends when he has such a committed one in his corner?

#403010 - 07/09/12 03:33 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
TimHorton Offline

Registered: 05/09/12
Posts: 44
KL24 - You said, "the common thread between lots of your guys stories is that there is the marriage commitment".

When someone is suffering from the effects of CSA there is no such thing as commitment. I thought I knew my husband. I thought he was with me until the end and he promised me this. He took vows. He said I was crazy or being ridiculous when I would ask if he would ever leave me. Now, he is leaving. He is not well. He blames everything on me because he doesn't want to acknowledge that he needs help.

Is this what you want for yourself? Or do you want a strong, beautiful man who has the ability to give you what you want, need and deserve? Personally, I want a man who is strong enough to stand by my side through thick and thin - who accepts me for me and does not expect me to be a perfect human being. I thought he was it. Then his abuse came out and our lives unraveled. Now I am at a point where I am broken and I do not feel like I will ever find anyone who fit with me as perfectly.

I do not want you to wind up broken. You don't deserve this - nobody does.

#403011 - 07/09/12 03:34 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
Haps Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 89
Loc: Ohio
And you may not be! smile that's your call to make, but I don't find ya any less special one way or the other. wink

For me, 10 years ago (early 20s) the book was BS. Now, I spend time with those parts that I used to avoid. I can tell when I'm avoiding something myself now. Before I was always "right".

That said, I find progress only after spending time with those things that make me uncomfortable. I have been avoiding too much of my own stuff.

#403012 - 07/09/12 03:40 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
KL24 Offline

Registered: 02/10/12
Posts: 21
frown frown i am so sorry for your pain. your words and honesty brought tears to my eyes i wish i could give you a big hug. i am already learning that commitment on my end means something different on his.. and your right i want someone who makes me feel good about myself, as of lately i have noticed i doubt everything about me because no matter what i try, it ends feeling like its my fault.....and he is in recovery but maybe its just too soon and not right.

its so hard working as hard as you could only to have it fall apart. i am sorry.

thank you all for allowing this thread to continue, i do not want to hurt any partners or survivors, i just needed to some perspective from those of you who have really done this, been there married with kids... my mom and dad always told me, there is wisdom with age, listen to the advice of those who have been there... and since this topic is not one i have ventured with my parents i really appreciate the honest input form everyone.

#403014 - 07/09/12 03:47 PM Re: Can i ask an honest question? [Re: KL24]
JLM35 Offline

Registered: 07/06/12
Posts: 4
Loc: Earth
I'm sorry to all the wives/partners out there that we victims have put you through hell. I know it's been difficult for many of you, and I know it's been very difficult for my own wife. I'm sorry I put her through this and I wish I had somehow dealt with my abuse before I met her. Maybe I could've always been a better husband and father if I had only gotten my shit together earlier in life. Unfortunately, we have to hit rock bottom before we start talking about it.

I wouldn't judge any of you who wanted out of a relationship with an abuse survivor. I know the turmoil we can cause in a marraige. I took me a long time to figure out that my emotional state was very important to the health of my family's emotional state, and I had to learn that in a marriage it wasn't all about "me." 50/50 I had to learn to give back as much love, understanding, and support she gave me through the years. If she decided to leave me earlier in our marriage, hell I couldn't blame her. I was a real shit to live with and she deserved way better than what I had to offer at the time.

All you partners are just as important in your relationships as the survivor. Don't let us put all the weight on your shoulders. We have to accept some of the responsibility to fix our own lives. Ad if you need to get away or leave forever, do it, because you deserve to be happy too.

"I hurt myself today... to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain... the only thing that's real." - Johnny Cash

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