So today I feel like i have enough courage to publicly talk about my abuse.
I was 14 at the time. I had been put in Juvie awaiting placement in a group home that also was a residential treatment center for kids with anger issues if I recall correctly. Id rather not go into detail about why i was there as it is irrelevant to what happened. I would wind up spending approximately 3 months in juvie and for the last 2 months or so i was abused on a nearly daily basis by one of the lead staff members. He would take me back to the bathroom and shower area away from the cameras that monitored us and force me to suck him off, often times making me then stick my fingers in him or force me to lick out his anal area. Several times he sodomized me. The reason he gave for making me do these things was so he wouldn't write me up and get me in trouble for my supposed infractions i had committed (not keeping my cell neat enough, have an extra pair of socks when i wasn't supposed to have them, hording food for later). He would also threaten to mess with my mandatory drug testing results they do to you in jail to say I was positive for using, or write bad reports to my judge or probation officer if I ever told anyone. I felt at the time I had no choice but to obey, hoping that it would all stop when I had been placed in a treatment program. I never told anyone when I was locked up because I knew no one believes a kid in trouble about these kinds of things and over the fear of all to real retribution against me. For the longest time after I couldn't remember the name or even what my abuser looked like. When ever my thoughts would drift to that time in my life I would push it aside and try hard to forget. Its only recently that Ive forced myself to try and face what happened to me back then. All I want is now to not let what happened then consume my life and take it over, like I feel it doing from time to time. By talking about this I hope I can start doing just that.
“How'd you like to gaze at a beer can throughout eternity? It might not be so bad. There'd be nothing to fear.”