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#402236 - 06/30/12 09:30 PM Perp Facebooked me.
JoeUniverseHP Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
Ok gang, I am sure this is well tread territory in these forums in the past years it has been in existence.

Alas, I am relatively new here, so...My turn. I'd love to hear any and all feedback as I process.

I am working massive recovery about the abuse stuff, as I post here a lot. I am in SLAA and go to SIA meetings, male sex abuse support groups, I'm doing great.
I had suppressed the memory of my 8 year old molestation by a 12 year old "friend" and it came up in my SLAA recovery.

I am talking with my sponsor last night, we are into it, talking about the abuse, we drew a "tree" with alcoholism and cycle of abuse stuff, tracking it in our families, very cool stuff. I go back to my car, and bam. I find a friend request and email from my perp, this 12 year old kid (now 34).

So he has always been a bully, now he has his own business, married, with a kid. He was like "Haven't seen you in a million years. I was trying to find you on Facebook for a while and I just happened to try "Joe *****" today and you came up. Whereabouts in *** do you live? I'm in *****. It would be really cool to meet up in person."

So my sponsor says to not answer back, I don't need to have anything to do with him. I agree, pretty much, though the codependent, drama seeking side of me is curious as to why he would meet. I have serious boundary problems that i am addressing in Alanon and SLAA and all that stuff. I know.

Part of me is intimidated by him. What if he is reaching out because he wants to see if I will tell on him or threaten him? What if he is trying to prevent me ratting on him (which I am not planning on doing anyway)? What if his new baby is making him even more aggressive and protective of his life? Maybe he's trying to go fishing?

Clearly, a lot of this is my paranoia and self confidence issues. I ultimately will not respond to him. Fuck that guy. He can stew in his own shit and guilt as far as I'm concerned.

But its interesting stuff, and interesting dynamics. The people pleaser in me does not want to just block him and go about my business. I guess I am comfortable with not answering him. But what if he gets more aggressive? Writes me again? Then what?

So this is interesting stuff. Any and all experience and feedback is welcome.

I am ok and surrounded by very supportive people so I know I'll be fine. But I'm a little overtired from staying up too late last night, and triggered by the whole thing. I will most likely get therapy soon.

I'm headed to my SIA meeting now. Curious to hear people's experiences and thoughts on the matter, if any!

#402244 - 06/30/12 10:33 PM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
chambers Offline

Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
I'm not on facebook but my abuser is an older brother. I don't see him or talk to him as he lives in another state except on holidays. Having recently told my parents and telling them to talk to him to attempt to see if he was a victim or has a reason for what he did I am worried about the future confrontation. My mom seems to think I will have to talk to him about it eventually, but I don't see why anyone should ever have to talk to their abuser if they don't want to.
Don't worry about him or his feelings, just take care of yourself. If he gets more aggressive block him or whatever you can do on facebook.

Edited by chambers (06/30/12 10:34 PM)

#402246 - 07/01/12 12:23 AM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: chambers]
JoeUniverseHP Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
Thanks man, I really appreciate your perspective.

"Don't worry about him or his feelings, just take care of yourself"

Exceedingly sensible.

I feel much better after my SIA meeting. Incidentally, I bought 2 pamphlets at the meeting: "Encountering the abuser: family occasions" and "Sexual abuse by siblings and/or other children".

Apropos, I thought... Thanks again.

#402263 - 07/01/12 05:23 AM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
Napoleon Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I actually confronted my pep on Facebook... Talked to my Perps wife seeing as he raising kids with him… and eventually met her in person.

Thing is it has to be about you. It also has to be your decision. Talking to your Perp and telling him about the damage he done... Or ignoring him… Is your choice.

You can’t know how it will affect your healing.. You can’t know what he wants. He may want to apologize, or he might just not remember. You won’t be able to know.

He was 12, at the age he as at he may have being abused and simply repeating the abuse with you… It is your choice, and it should be about your healing.
�Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.� Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

#402344 - 07/02/12 12:58 PM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
JoeHP, with 2 replies and 80 plus views, you can rest assured that we are all agreeing with the replies of chambers and Napoleon. With a growing number of views to your thread and few replies I didn't want you to misinterpret the ratio in any way.

Chambers and Napoleon are right on the mark, in my opinion.

Last time you encountered this dude, it was all about him.
This time, it's all about YOU and YOUR choice in the matter.

#402351 - 07/02/12 02:12 PM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 645

Glad to see the way you're taking all this. Major stuff to have happen. Sounds like you're thinking it all through real well.

As you know, you always have the option of blocking him. Just try not to let the whole thing hook you in a cycle of repeat thinking and weird energy creation. If that's happening, a Facebook block would be a nice decisive way of putting on the brakes.


#402457 - 07/03/12 01:59 PM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
JoeUniverseHP Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
Thanks guys,

I feel a bit better about the whole thing now. I will not respond right now, he does not deserve my time. A chess playing bully, he is bored and wants to reconnect with his youth, perhaps?

Not on my dime; I am busy with recovery and my own life...

My teacher perp on the other hand is someone I would like to confront. But he is pathetic as well. This guy who face booked me is 4 years older than me, has his own demons...Let him stew in his own juices, I'm about to hit my SLAA meeting, and yoga too!

It's a good life...

#402503 - 07/04/12 01:05 AM * [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 10:04 PM)

#402515 - 07/04/12 03:27 AM Re: Perp Facebooked me. [Re: JoeUniverseHP]
JoeUniverseHP Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 72
Thanks for your feedback, Gary.

I too initially had this warped compulsion to reach out, a sense of wanting to take him up on his offer, to see what he wanted to meet me for, to see if he wanted to apologize-

After screening it with several trusted friends in my recovery circle, and sharing about it at meetings, I realized the best way was not to deign his message or friend request with a response.

Most likely he is still the same bullying, insensitive asshole, and your story supports my conviction in that regard.

Thanks again.


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