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#402169 - 06/29/12 10:50 PM Who should I talk to first...?
White Pumpkin Offline

Registered: 06/01/12
Posts: 2

I hope this is an appropriate forum. First, some background: by my best estimate, I was seven years old and my brother was twelve when he abused me. I am coming to the conclusion that in order to protect possible child victims (he has kids, they are the most obvious targets), I will have to talk to him about the abuse (which we have never really done) or tell our mother. My mother is closest to the children with the exception of my brother wife.
I don't know if my brother grew out of what he did to me, after all, he was only twelve, or if he has or is abusing/abused others. My wife thinks I should talk to my mom first, but I am not sure. I could instead, talk to my brother first and talk about what happened for the first time with him. I am not sure he'd be honest with me, he has not been completely honest in the past - not huge things, hasn't talked people out of their life savings or anything, but my wife and my sister agree that he's a bit of a con-man.
So here's the question I am posing to this community: should I talk to my brother first or tell our mother first?

Thank you in advance for all who toss in their two cents.

#402176 - 06/30/12 01:30 AM Re: Who should I talk to first...? [Re: White Pumpkin]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2132
Hi White Pumpkin,

You may find this article on Disclosure and Confrontation helpful.

If you think your mother will be receptive to the information, I would tell her what your brother did to you, and then tell her of your concerns for your nieces and nephews.

Since you said your brother is not honest with you along with the description of him being a con-man, I do not know that speaking to him, at least privately, will accomplish the goals you seek.

Before you confront your brother you may want to discuss this with your therapist, if you have one. If your mother is supportive, you may want to include her in your plannedconfrontation with your brother.

Please carefully read the section on Confronting the perpetrator.

You want to make sure your needs are met and that this does not turn into a situation in which your brother manipulates and emotionally abuses you.

Just my $0.02.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#402265 - 07/01/12 05:42 AM Re: Who should I talk to first...? [Re: White Pumpkin]
Napoleon Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 166
Loc: Utah
I would decide based on what kind of relationship you have with your brother compaired to that of your mother. If he is really tight with your mother, she may be better to make the confrontation. I personaly think baised on my experience, he more likely to be honest with you or your mother… I would say he would be more honest with you, he may even lie about the abuse with you to your mother, especially if he abusing his kids. If you decide to use your mother make sure to arm her with as many details as possible…

If you choose to confront him directly: Again my experience is that you might get the truth first out of shock, but once he has time to create a lie… I would take a tape recorder and not tell him your recording, however use caution as this may not be legal in your state/country. If you confront him and he lies about the abuse he may also just not remember… Remember he was just a kid too… he may have been abused and just been repeating the abuse on you…
�Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.� Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

#402303 - 07/01/12 08:09 PM Re: Who should I talk to first...? [Re: White Pumpkin]
jellybeans Offline

Registered: 07/01/12
Posts: 2
Your mother is who you should talk with first. She knows your heart and knows the kind of crap your brother pulls. Especially since she has the closest access to any of those kids. Although it is easy for me to tell you what to do it is ultimately you that needs to take control of the situation.

My husband is dealing with something similar so I hope that you figure out what you need to do, either way those kids deserve some kind of action being taken if he is doing something to them.

Good luck!


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