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#401723 - 06/26/12 05:03 AM I Really Need Some Support
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I need some major support right now. I have always done things on my own, but I can no longer go at this by myself. The isolation and the feelings have led to contemplate suicide more than I would have liked to over the winter. These feelings are too much to bear on my own.

I have been fighting my sexuality for the last 4 years. I have tried everything to reason away my feelings. From sexualizing my self esteem issues, labeling it obsessive compulsive thinking, labeling myself a sex addict moving on to more extreme sexual stuff. I have tried to deny my sexuality in every way shape and form. I have refused to be open about it in therapy. I can't do it anymore, I just can't. I am tired, strung out, and at the end of my rope.

I know deep down I am gay, I am attracted to men sexually. And at first, I thought I was recreating the sexual abuse in my head, but time has passed and my sexual thoughts are more integrative and indicative of an emerging sexuality than of sexual abuse.

I am not emotionally attracted to men, but I have never given myself the chance. I have heard that many men still partly repressing their sexuality will maintain this position until they accept themselves completely. Then there is the confusion between sex and intimacy that the abuse has created.

I have tried to be in relationships with women, and I feel anxious and nervous when it comes to sex. It doesn't feel smooth and there is no flow. It feels forced when it should be relaxing. It doesn't feel right, and even though physically it feels pleasurable there is a mental disconnect. I am not really there. Female genitals just don't do it for me. I mean, I know they are a natural part of a woman's body but they are not appealing sexually.

I know that labels can be limiting, but I just feel like I am living a lie. And I don't want to do it anymore. I am tired, and exhausted. It has been 5 years of struggle and complete destruction of self. I want out of this now. All of these issues with sexuality and sexual abuse have been fucked up for so long.

My family has been really supportive, and they accept me for who I am and will love me unconditionally. I am ready to do the same now. I am not sure what my life will look like, what friends I will have, who will condemn me. I fear the worst. All of my life I have wanted to fit in. I have struggled and struggled, and now I have to dig real deep to find the strength and courage to stand on my own two feet and be me for me for the first time ever. I am scared as hell. My life is changing like never before.

I don't know that the next step is, and I really just need some guidance from this community. I want to feel good about myself, and I am tired of always fighting my way through my life. I really need some support.
I am the warrior.

#401757 - 06/26/12 11:27 AM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
Chase Eric Offline

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2957
Disclaimer - the thoughts are merely my own - not necessarily truths for others. This is what I have discovered for myself, and share it here...

It sometimes takes a while to see the lies as they really are, doesn't it? "Sexuality is a choice." "Homosexuality is immoral." I think - certainly after five years of this - you finally know better. After five years of turmoil and guilt and agonizing over this issue about your identity - you end up exactly where you've always been. You haven't budged an inch towards heterosexuality. But just who have you been fighting for? Yourself? Or were you just struggling to conform to what you think society thinks you should be?

I went through a similar struggle. In the end , the toughest thing about being gay was not the emotional component, the sexual component or even the lifestyle component per se - it was choosing to OWN my life and live it for ME and the people I love and NOT to spend what precious time I have appeasing the narrow-minded sensibilities of those I don't even know and who frankly could give a crap if I'm straight or not. But we are used to being put in pliable messes, aren't we? We are used to others dictating our sexual mores - first the abuser who makes us participate in what we know is wrong, then the general public who tell us to participate in what they know is right. What about US? Where do we come in and finally take ownership of ourselves - tell the others ENOUGH!

Keep close counsel with others here who have had similar struggles. This is a unique place with unique perspectives and experiences. And for what it's worth - after all the the talk of SSA vs Gay - frankly, I STILL don't think we've talked it through enough. There is incredible confusion out there and it muddies up further the most important quest for all of us - to know ourselves and accept ourselves. That to me is the only way we truly own ourselves and step away from the abuse.

As far as your sexuality possibly being linked to your sexual abuse - you should free yourself of that accountability right now. If you harbor those feelings, somebody needs to tell you it wasn't your fault. As children, we were Bonsai trees, pruned and clipped to grow at our abuser's whims. They had the power to take. And they did. But we had the power to adapt, to bend, to flex. And so we did what was in our nature to do as children. Our abusers in their twisted perspectives saw that as weakness, as agreement, as surrender. But it was our strength. We grew as the forces of the world around us so directed us to.

Am I gay because of my abuse? I don't know. But it took me a long time to realize that accepting my sexuality did NOT mean I was accepting or condoning what happened to me. It meant I was embracing who I was and who I had to become. That's the final word - and I'm happy to say my abuser did NOT leave with me the eternal self-blame, the inner conflict. The blame and shame is his alone. I have become who I am and I totally own that - not him. Not the church. Not the moral conservatives. Not anyone but ME.

In the end, it all came down to what one wise doctor told me in a book when I was six. I read it before but never really understood it. It was such a simple lesson, but the truths in life ARE simple. Dr. Seuss said it best...

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

#401769 - 06/26/12 01:43 PM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
I think it's pointless for us as survivors to try to make ourselves fit into the Gay-Bi-Straight paradigm. We are survivors first, and anything else second.

I think we should advocate for the LGBT community to add an "S" to its acronym for "survivor" because that's what we are.

I do not belong to the LGBT community; but I would belong to an LGBTS community, if it were to exist.

Hang in there, Letourski. You are not alone.
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#401821 - 06/26/12 10:07 PM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
Thunder Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 7
I used to have rubber bands around my wrist and would pull them back and let rip with every homosexual thought. I know what it's like to be confused about my sexuality.

I thought it was my abuse that made me gay. I don't fit the stereotype. My friends call me a "closet straight" But I don't think that's true anymore (that my abuse made me gay, syntax yikes).

I guess I just wanted to let you know, you aren't alone in feeling confused about your sexuality. And if you want support, even if I could just offer a "how you feeling today man?" in your inbox well, just drop me a PM.

You are awesome man smile Super courageous for trying to find the truth about yourself.

I know how scary it can be. And what it's like to pretend. It's shit.

Hugs and mad love bro smile

#401994 - 06/28/12 03:36 AM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 512
Loc: Ohio
Give it time. Remember to breathe. Change can feel unnerving, but I find when I am being truer to myself, things have a way of opening up.

Remember that there's no hurry. You mentioned something about five years' struggle or something. 5 years isn't turned around overnight. It took me too long to learn not to be in a hurry to get somewhere I didn't want to be anyway.

Just breathe, relax, and enjoy the journey.


#402382 - 07/02/12 06:52 PM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 12:07 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#402672 - 07/05/12 11:48 PM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
Older1 Offline

Registered: 12/20/11
Posts: 129
I'm sorry you feel such conflicts, and hope that you will find some support from this site.

#402791 - 07/06/12 11:05 PM * [Re: Letourski]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 10:06 PM)

#403620 - 07/14/12 06:52 PM Re: I Really Need Some Support [Re: Letourski]
Lancer Offline

Registered: 07/13/12
Posts: 901
Loc: Florida
For what it's worth, your feelings and struggles sound pretty common for many of us. Really! Bonus is you've actually your family's support, something many of us haven't had. It may not lessen your anxiety much, but there 'tis.

Specifics? Obviously you can Google online support groups similar to MS.

When you're ready I'd encourage you to seek out an LGBT "coming out" support group in your area - back to Google again! - if there is one. (Obviously ONT, BC and QUE are loaded with 'em if you're lucky enuf to live there). Dealing with real, flesh-and-blood humans who are/have walked a mile in your shoes is remarkably freeing. You might even wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Scary as that step might feel, well, you've already done something similar by being here. And let us know what you do...or even if you do nothing.


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