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#401150 - 06/21/12 03:28 PM Confusion / OCD / sexuality
Justaname Offline

Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 17
Over the years this is something I have struggled with immensely, i.e. knowing my sexual orientation and feeling comfortable with my sexuality.

I don't know if it makes a huge difference in the scheme of things, but I was sexually abused by a female when I was a boy, and over the years (more recent years - when I began to try relationships and sex etc) I have had strong fears that I am really gay.

Without going fully into my story, I am a man nearing 30 years, who has pretty much remained celibate the whole time. I have had a number of attempts at being sexual with women and I have never been able to get a good enough erection to have sex.

It was when I tried to initiate sexuality into my life in my late teens and had a failed relationship with a girl that I felt I was gay and that's why it didn't work out and I couldn't have sex etc.

This feeling that I was gay was also accompanied by a lot of intrusive and uncomfortable thoughts, e.g. I couldn't watch sports on tv without imagining kissing every man I could see, plus a *huge* amount of paralysing anxiety, panic attacks and depression.

I have done a bunch of therapy, I now take anti-dep. meds that help a lot, but I still deal with a lot of confusion, obsessive thinking and panic.

I have anxiety spikes and I get awkward and uncomfortable if someone mentions the word 'gay' or worse goes into a story about someone 'coming out' about being gay. That can really send me into a spiral of anxiety. Whenever I see the word 'gay' in the news I have to read the article.

I have anticipatory anxiety in this regard too, expecting people are about to turn the conversation to anything 'gay' related.

Some days I feel that I like women and would like to pursue them romantically/sexually, then I start to join say a dating site, but I can never go through with actually joining and putting myself out there. I avoid contact with the opposite sex in life, I find it all terribly confusing and scary.

Then some days I get into a bit of a 'headspin' thinking that I am really gay and that explains everything in my life, my avoidance of women, my fears of intimacy, my inability to engage sexually with women, my performance problems etc.

But the thought never sits well with me. I try and visualise being with a man romanticly and it makes me cringe a bit, I just don't feel that's who I want to be or where I could ever be comfortable in life.

When I have 'accepted' those thoughts and then tried to masturbating to a homosexual fantasy it doesn't work for me.

I have tried gay porn and I am turned off immediately for the most part.

I would say around 99% porn I have ever used is heterosexual and occasionaly lesbian.

I have entertained 'some' kinky bi/homo fantasies but beyond that the idea is quite unsettling for me. I'm over this shit I need to move on with my life.

This is making me fucking angry to think about how my sexuality has been soooo fucked up. Fuck you abuse, you have fucked up my life so much

#401184 - 06/21/12 06:39 PM Re: Confusion / OCD / sexuality [Re: Justaname]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/16/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
I understand where you are coming from. I have also struggled with my sexuality. It's an issue so many of us face as survivors of sexual abuse. I also struggled with very obsessive thinking and intrusive thoughts. I have been a sports fan my entire life, and now it's difficult to watch sports with all these thoughts running through my mind all the time.

I get anxious just thinking about sex with a woman. There are many parts that fit the image in my head, but others that downright scare me. I have been gauging all of my relationships on a sexual level, and in the process I have destroyed any chance of non-sexual intimacy with men and women.

That is the lie James taught me when he chose to sexually abuse me. He basically programmed me to equate love/intimacy with sex. The two of them have been tangled up for years. I am only now just seeing the lies for what they are. I feel if I can't relate to women sexually, I am worthless. And because I am worthless I should only aim to relate to men sexually. Like a good little object. These thoughts have nothing to do with sexuality. They are tied to sexual abuse.

I know how upsetting this makes you feel, and I know the anger inside of you right now. You are not fucked up bro, you are just dealing with something that is really confusing and difficult to understand. Direct your anger to the person who abused you, and not at yourself. The blame belongs on him/her. We have to pick up the pieces, but we don't have to own the shame and the blame. That belongs to someone else. PM me if you ever feel the need to. Heal well my friend.
I am the warrior.

#401533 - 06/24/12 03:25 PM Re: Confusion / OCD / sexuality [Re: Justaname]
theredhairedcrow Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 20
Loc: Germany
I can certainly understand also, and am rather the flip side. I always thought of myself as gay, and throughout my adulthood only dated or had relationships with men although I contemplated at least one relationship with a woman...I didn't speak of it to her.

I still list myself as "gay" in a way, but in the last years as I've worked through my issues, memories and feelings, I realize my sexual ambivalence towards women and preference for men wasn't based on attraction as much as anxiety and fear of women. I was first abused by a female, although the majority took places from males.

Now, I am really asexual in that I certaily have interest in sex and lean towards male overtly, my deeper emotional feelings extend towards women and I imagine a relationship with one, including the physical. There's a woman I've met, she's wonderful, willing...I don't want to let her down. I have feelings for her, but I don't know if I could go through with sex. I mean I probably could but I have a history of distancing myself from a partner as soon as we have sex.

Sex for me reminds me of "back then" if I really know the person, as I did the family members who assaulted me. She and I might have a relationship without sex, but I would still crave it, just...its totally leaves me confused and not knowing what to do!

The thing is, the exploration of sexuality....don't go to porn. It is not representative of real gay life. Its just sex. Its not affection or relationships, or the affection, friendship and love that can develop. That's very different, and like I mentioned about me, I have a tendency to separate sex from affection as an after-effect.

Like the woman I mentioned, we befriended each other otherwise, not thinking about relationships or sex or anything like that, just mutual friendship. It developed into more. Honestly, I no longer think of myself as gay or straight or bisexual, but rather as someone looking for relief from those labels and finding someone I can be with who wants to be with me.

Not having sex or desiring it with someone, whatever gender they are may not be about sexuality at all, but can be directly related to the abuse received previously: trust, control, anxiety issues. You said that about anxiety, and I totally feel you, obsessive thoughts sometimes exhaust me to where I can't do anything or I feel despair because I am SO tired of them, and I wish they would stop.

In the end, its about having someone who accepts you for all your idiosyncrasies and differences, which they may/will also have, though it might not be about sex or sexuality, even if they are the same gender. Being able to reach the point where you are open enough to try and allow for a connection with someone which isn't sex primary or as the goal to attain. I think its important to make it about finding the basis of your fears with a good and understanding therapist, working through them and looking for someone who just wants to be with you and see where it goes from there, not about sex.

I don't know where I am anymore on the gender spectrum, let alone the sexuality one, but I hope you can also somehow accept the feelings you have as being natural to you. I don't feel like you are "over it", but rather could spend more time talking about it with those who may have previously or do feel similarly. Maybe that can help you work through it. Its really helping me.

Edited by theredhairedcrow (06/24/12 03:28 PM)
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