Where to start I believe every survivor ask them self, Where in the world to start.
I was abuse from the age of 4 to 7 by I person I trusted dearly, I recall the pain and the horrible feeling, the touching, the laughter of the abuser, it was a living nightmare. By the time I reach 7 he stop sexually abusing me I have no idea why he stop but it did, then the second waive start the verbal abuse the hitting and pounding with shoe, wooden spoons, belts not just by him but from others as well. By the time I hit 13 I starting fighting back, I either got used to it or it just did not hurt, I would laugh and say it did not hurt anymore. I would make sure I was not around them much just stay out of his way.
I have done so many things wrong drinking to feel something or stop feeling, womanizing, not follow through on this and the list goes on and on and on.
I first became a survivor 5 years ago, I was going through a divorce and these waive and feeling came out of no were, my ex had an affair and yet I felt shame and guilty. It did not make sense, no one has a perfect relationship and yet I felt everything was my fault. It end badly, the best thing that came out of it was my two great boys. I work on the abuse for two years, during that time when my boys were with their mom, I stay home did nothing just full of self-pity and saying how could I have done this to me. The first year I was letting my demons get the best of me, I did started going out and started drinking and of course womanizing. I was disrespecting people about a year into the craziness and start to relax and enjoying life doing fun things instead of running around. I stop going to consoling, think I had this beat life was good again.
I started a relationship about two years ago things were great until the demons raised their heads again about year into, I blame everything work, her, not enough time in the day to spend with her. I went back into consoling to try and figure why I was not happy; I could not put my finger on it. I had to find a new consoler the one I saw before retire. We went through all the blame I was putting on everything else I was not be true to what was really happening. Well the relationship end and all these emotions came pouring out of me, I broke down with my consoler and told about my abuse and we have tied together the abuse to my action, I never should have stop consoling the first time, I taught my mind to deal with the abuse not all my emotions and I now know I was not being mindful to her the way everyone should be treated.
Today I am hoping to tackle this on a new level, another level as my consoler told me the other day. More positive emotions and manage the negative ones differently.
I am even planning to attend the week end of recovery, this site has been amazing and for the first time life I know I am not alone.
Edited by ModTeam (06/20/12 11:31 AM)
Edit Reason: Added trigger warning.
Anything and all things are possible when you understand the feelings coming from you heart
Courage, honor, respect = strength!!!!