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#400285 - 06/12/12 11:07 PM Grandma passed away
ShortedDiode Offline

Registered: 11/26/11
Posts: 121
Loc: Hamilton, ON Canada
I just found out yesterday that my grandma passed away three weeks ago. My parents computer stopped working so I walked them through fixing it over the phone on the weekend and some time after they were able to get into their email again they discovered a really terse, one line email from my aunt and uncle on that side of the family notifying them that she'd passed on. The message had sat unread for weeks and wasn't followed up with a phone call when no response came, probably because they felt they did their part by sending the email and then washed their hands of it. That aunt and uncle don't really talk to my parents. They cut contact with my family years ago along with my grandmother over stupid family politics. Whatever their dispute was with my parents, grandma and my aunt and uncle walked away from my brother and sister and I too. Guilt by association with my parents I guess.

It didn't used to be like that until I was in my teens. Grandma used to do normal stuff with me like have me over for dinner, take to the zoo when I was little. She seemed to be aware of the situation at home to some degree too because when I was little, she bought me an ice cream cone at the mall near her place one day but she gave me the money for it and made me order it myself and told me afterwards that she wanted to try to pry me out of my shell a little bit. Yeah, I was such wreck when I was a kid that getting over the stress and fear and working up the nerve to order an ice cream cone was hard to do. It's amazing what people with normal upbringing take for granted instead of being ground down into a wreck and becoming easy prey for perps.

So my parents went searching the internet and I went searching the internet and turned up almost nothing. There was no obituary for or anything like that. Mom figures there was a private service and burial. Other than seeing her briefly at a funeral the last I heard from grandma was 12 years ago when she sent me a birthday card but when I called to thank her, her phone had been disconnected because she'd moved without telling anybody I knew her new address or phone number. My internet search did turn up an obituary on a funeral home's website for one of her step-grandchildren from her second marriage though. My aunt posted a condolences comment that upset me because it went on about how grandma took in this guy who has the same first name as me as a grandson of her own and how she loved keeping in touch, sending and receiving pictures and messages and how my aunt writing this and my uncle also loved him too. So they walked away from their only biological relatives (my siblings and I) and threw their lot in with her step-grandchildren. It hurt reading that, seeing that written about the step-grandson who shares my first name knowing how she finished her gradual walk away from us when I was in my teens never to be seen or heard from again.

It pisses me off that my aunt and uncle made the bare minimum effort to notify my parents of her death. Even if they have some dispute or disagreement with my parents, my brother and sister and I deserved to know, deserved a chance to go to the funeral. I can't even go and visit her grave now since nobody I've been able to get ahold of knows where it is. It's like the fact that she was our grandmother was completely overlooked for their own stupid differences.

Sorry for the rant, it's been a rough couple of days.
If it's a choice between laughing or crying, I'd rather laugh.

#400286 - 06/12/12 11:12 PM Re: Grandma passed away [Re: ShortedDiode]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4523
Loc: NE Ohio
sorry, man - that stinks!

no need to apologize - if you can't vent to us, what are we here for?

Family issues can be such a drag on you. but you really miss them if they are not there, anyway.

hope you find some sort of resolution.

"The wound is the place where the light enters you."
- Rumi

#400291 - 06/12/12 11:55 PM Re: Grandma passed away [Re: ShortedDiode]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2396
Hi ShortedDiode,

I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother.

It is apparent that even though you have not seen her in a long time, she was a much loved person in your life.

Why relatives carry the crap they had between their siblings over to the offspring, I do not know. The fact that your grandmother moved and did not tell anyone nor give out contact information tells me that the move was probably not her choice. I am willing to be the aunt and uncle with whom your parents do not speak were deeply involved in that, as well as the severing of ties between your grandmother and yourself.

As for finding out where your grandmother is buried, I am not really certain how to find that information. Perhaps someone here with a legal mind will have suggestions.

You may not be able to visit her grave at the moment, but you can have your own ceremony for her. The memory of your grandmother is what is important. You may choose to have your sibling join you, rather than have your ceremony alone. Whether you write a letter that you read to the memory of your grandmother, write a song or poem, or mourn her any other way, you are giving yourself the opportunity to do that which your aunt and uncle have denied you.

I hope you choose to remember the good times you had with your grandmother rather than focus on the time you were forced to be without her. This is not to say that does not hurt, and hurt deeply. But I think remembering her love, rather than being embroiled in bitterness, is a healthier option.

Besides, who knows if what your aunt and uncle wrote in that obituary is true.

(((( ShortedDiode ))))

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#400299 - 06/13/12 12:58 AM Re: Grandma passed away [Re: ShortedDiode]
Jim1104 Offline

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 410
Loc: Louisiana, USA
Rant away buddy. It's a very big loss you experienced and to not have been informed is, in my opinion, a very serious infraction of the laws of civility. I am sorry for your loss.

#400303 - 06/13/12 02:51 AM * [Re: ShortedDiode]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/25/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 05:47 PM)

#400317 - 06/13/12 07:37 AM Re: Grandma passed away [Re: ShortedDiode]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi ShortedDiode,

Sympathies go out to you on your loss.

One way you may be able to find out where your Nan is burried, is to check the funeral homes in the area she lived if you know the general area. They may tell you if you could find out who handled the burial.

At one point years ago, I was the only one that kept up with one of my aunt's family. Nobody seemed to know what caused it, but the story I heard was that some relatives were pissed that I wasn't asaked to be the Emcee at their 60th weeding anniversary. They wouldn't even listen when I explained to them that the only reason I was there was because the ship I was on at the time, got in earlier than expected.

When they reconciled with each other, nobody seemed to remember what caused it but at least they are now good "friends." Too bad it happened after Nan died but at least it happened and "better late than never."
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#400615 - 06/16/12 07:27 PM Re: Grandma passed away [Re: ShortedDiode]
Human Offline

Registered: 03/14/12
Posts: 67
Loc: private
Sorry for your loss. ((((ShortedDiode)))

If you can afford it, a private detective might be an option for finding your Granny's resting place.

P.S. In USA a P.I. costs about $200 a day and they can usually get the info you want within that $200 day.

#400705 - 06/17/12 07:16 PM Re: Grandma passed away [Re: ShortedDiode]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 986
My condolences, on all levels. Sounds like various abuses run in your family, same as mine.

When people say they're defending marriage in America, this is the type of issue they need to be addressing. This is real, it's clearly destructive to the family, and it undermines the fabric of society by making loving relatives be the ones who are easily discarded by perpetrator-bullies.

We're standing with (((you)))).


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