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#400021 - 06/10/12 08:58 PM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2242
Hi Steve,

After admitting even the possibility of being abused, one's nerves get raw and sensitivities increase exponentially.

Step back and try to engage in things that you find soothing or calming.

Go for a walk, spend time with friends (especially your four footed, finned, feathered, or scaled friends). If music, tv, etc., are triggering, try to find something than those past times for a while.

Many of us were taught to be "stoic." "Do NOT express emotions!!" "Emotions (aka: crying) make you weak!!"

That is a bunch of lies - harmful lies and they prevent you from healing.

Let yourself cry and express the other emotions of pain, agony, confusion, betrayal, etc. You have good reason to be upset.

Let it out.

The more you let yourself express your feelings (without hurting yourself), the healthier you will be.

For those of us who incorporated those messages and who believed them, doing the above is difficult. We fight with all of our being not to cry or even let ourselves feel the pain.

We work against ourselves without realizing it.

So, let it out.

We will be here to hear your cries and to help soothe your pain.

Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#400068 - 06/11/12 02:25 AM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4286
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
steve - yeah, i remember that stage - like you say, EVERYTHING seems to be a trigger - stuff that you'd have been oblivious to before. it will get easier to deal with. you'll develop more tolerance for many things in time - not be so hyper-sensitive. just take it easy and don't put yourself under too much stress. back off from the triggering situations when you can until you can handle it better.

hold on!
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#400142 - 06/11/12 09:45 PM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
JeremyK1971 Offline

Registered: 06/10/12
Posts: 7
Loc: San Francisco, CA
Hello Steve,

Welcome. I too just joined the site with the same realization. I'm here to help you and the community however I can.

Kind regards,


#402548 - 07/04/12 08:00 PM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
Steve0123 Offline

Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
:just venting:

I am sitting here surrounded by family...couples. Although they are mostly unhappy couples. And I'm all alone. No matter who I am with or where I am, I'm always alone...I wonder if they are alone too. I wonder if its all just a performance. They are as two faced and deceptive and delusional as me.

They think I'm perfect,a good guy. Super-educated, one time, successful, the pride of my family. Maybe he's a little shy. Maybe he's a little sad, awkward with women...not as out-going and the life of the party as his brothers and father. They don't know I used to shoot heroin. I kept myself fat most of my life so I wouldn't have to date. I have ED. I have constant anxiety. I trust no one. I binge drink. I was/am addicted to porn. They don't know I have attempted suicide. They don't know I think of my life as a constant confusing miserable struggle. I smile. I'm strong. I'm dependable. Smart. Fair. Kind. You can rely on me. You can count on me. Because I am not a person. I have no feelings or wants. Everyone in the world is more important than me. I'm a broken toy.(love that imagery) I owe God. If I don't sacrifice everything I can for someone else's happiness I am a bad person.I live with constant guilt. I'm subservient to everyone and everything and I don't even realize it till I am suffering from the weight of it all. I'm the 1st person to call when you're in trouble and the last person to ever worry about.

I wonder if anyone will really ever know and love me...

#402550 - 07/04/12 08:25 PM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3866
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Steve, just keep venting, I hope you'll feel better.
Manny of us keep negative picture of ourselves in our minds, somehow it is survivor's habit. I find difficult to change that stance.
Anyway I just wanted to tell you that you are great and valuable person who deserves best from life. Keep fighting for yourself and I'm sure that you'll find someone who will really love you!
My story

#402551 - 07/04/12 08:28 PM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
newground Offline
Chat Moderator

Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 1155
Loc: michigan
hey steve I can so relate man but it does not have to stay that way. I am very much like the person you discribe trust worthy but very untrusting always anxious dependable and all that people know I am the go to guy. and like you no one seems to know the real me. but here I am learning to let tht guy come out some. I am learning to find a voice and that it is ok to say no and that if someone dosent like me then maybe it is them and not me.there is a world full of lessons I have yet to learn but I am willing to learn them, though I am realy scared of most everything you are here and among friends steve we all share a great deal. I feel that we can be understood here among those who have been there it is here that you can begin to open up and then to heal I hope it starts soon for you dude
Either I will find a way, or I will make one.
Philip Sidney

#403067 - 07/10/12 01:38 AM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
Randy65 Offline

Registered: 04/14/12
Posts: 109
Loc: Alabama
Let it out brother. We can take it and have been there. The early stages are a roller coaster that seems to have no end. Just keep on letting it out. I know when I started on MS I didn't think that I deserved to reach a better place that so many of our brothers have proudly found. I can honestly say that we do deserve it and can reach it. I have never been judged here and they speak from experience and that is something we all share. I never thought I was worthy of God and blamed him for what happened and why did he let it happen to me. I know now that he was their protecting me from death. You are an amazing person Steve, I can tell it in the posts that you have shared already. There are far more wiser men on here than me and they are here just like me for when you are ready. Just take the time you need.
Stay strong,
My Story of CSA

My Story of CSA: The Day God Entered My Heart

My Story of CSA: "Flashbacks" (Trigger Caution)

#404230 - 07/21/12 01:24 AM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
Steve0123 Offline

Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
Thank you everyone for all your responses to my various posts over the past few weeks. I don't want to overwhelm the board with my "thank you's" but all of your opinions and insights are really appreciated...they have helped... know this life is so short and fleeting...we're going to blink and it is going to be over, our friends and loved ones will be gone...our problems and concerns will just disappear into history...i think about all the people that came before us and all the tragedies that people have endured and I am trying to embrace the idea that if i can find any happiness in this life I have to hold on to it, i have to appreciate it...

#405143 - 07/28/12 10:14 PM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
Steve0123 Offline

Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
God...I am so jealous of happy families, I see all these new couples starting their lives together and my heart is all I ever wanted from this life, and I don't think I'll ever have it...

#416466 - 11/17/12 05:25 AM Re: My Story... [Re: Steve0123]
Steve0123 Offline

Registered: 05/30/12
Posts: 80
I just wanted to say hi again. I joined this site about 6 months ago when i was on the verge of suicide. I was probably at the lowest point I have ever been in life. I felt a daily dread that i just can't explain...

....well 6 months later I can't say my life is perfect. I haven't resolved every issue, I am still struggling a great deal with just being alive and figuring out who I am....but the misery has faded, I feel more at peace. Just getting things out and recognizing that I am not alone and slowly working on some of my issues has helped a great deal.

I am waiting for the I'm sure I will have dark days again...but they will pass, just like they passed in these 6 months.

Thank you all for sharing your stories and your support. They mean a great deal to me...I will never be free, my pain defines me...but I have hope again that I will have good days to accompany the bad ones...I thank you all who have the courage to be here and I hope you all find some kind of peace and goodness in your life....

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