I am happily married to my beautiful wife and best friend, together 7.5 years and married almost 2. One day I woke up in hell and that all changed, the day that my CSA surfaced. I grew up in an emotionally distant household where feelings were too tough to talk about. My Dad worked a ton and my Mom can be codependent. Around 10 years old, my best friend found some hetero porn in a neighbors run down chicken coop. He showed me them and said that we should play with ourselves. I was in fear of getting caught, confused with this new material, but followed along. I would always spend the night at his house during summer and later we would try to act things out that we saw in the(hetero) magazines. He kept pushing the boundaries and I naively followed. One thing led to another over time and he finished inside of me, I died right then. I told myself as I was sitting on the toilet after he used me, that I was going to stuff that into the darkest, deepest hole within me and never tell anyone. We stopped being friends shortly after since I realized that we was getting me into trouble. I became a compulsive masturbater that was further shamed by my father when I would get caught in the act or on computer. This was all hetero-porn, which over the years escalated to extreme porn and then temporarily switched to gay porn. I didn't really like it, but it was the next high from porn. Then I acted out on myself with what I saw in the gay porn movies because masterbating wasn't enough anymore. I then had a complete meltdown because I realized that my experience as a child did happen. All of those years I really questioned if it did, but it came flooding into my consciousness. I am now confused about my sexuality, which was never really questioned before since I was obsessed with females. I am confused about my sexual identity, almost as if I was raised a female. I developed a penis fixation through being addicted to (hetero) porn for 18 years following my CSA. I am curious about sex with a penis (not really a male) in my imagination, but not necessarily a real male in person. I get relapses of panic/deep crying when I sometimes see a male my age with even very general similarities to my CSA: male=penis=sex=adrenaline=panic=pain=hurt=cry.
I have been dealing with the release since February and generally improving, but having a hard time dealing these days. I am afraid that I might be gay or bi. I am afraid of losing my wife. I am afraid of having kids and having my experience make me a CSA-er. Growing up I felt like I was different, that the world was a scary place, I was always on guard, and that no one cared enough to ask "Hey, are you OK?".