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#400497 - 06/15/12 11:03 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:36 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#401153 - 06/21/12 11:39 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
cris40ky Offline

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US

So sorry I left your question hanging for days. I've been really struggling with just day to day stuff. Work, home, and "us". I hope you can understand in bears in no way against you! For me, the little, hurt one is waring with the day to day, denier face I have worn for so, so long. Just going to work and making it home again has been hard.

#401185 - 06/21/12 02:47 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: cris40ky]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Some other things about DID:

It requires a lot of mental energy to make it work. When we're young that seems to be OK. But as we get older the task of maintaining those "partitions" seems to become greater.

DID started for me when I was a very small child (3-4). A "neighbor" was using the boys in the neighborhood for what I figured out many years later was kiddie porn. At that time I didn't know what a movie camera was. DID can happen fairly easily at that age. I was the youngest. The older boys bullied me because I was the smallest and most vulnerable. This left me with severe deficits in ability to relate to people and I had all the symptoms of mental dysfunctionality from early abuse (dyslexia, ADHD, etc.) All of this was going on under the radar of all of the parents.

The whole thing was made much worse by being terribly abused in a scout camp when I was 12. I have already posted at length about that.

A journal I kept for awhile when I was about 20 years old was written in a different handwriting every day. Even the color of ink or pencil was different. The style of writing was different. No wonder I had trouble remembering the information required in order to pass an exams in college. I did succeed but not wonderfully.

When I became aware of the different alters I contained, (some won't like this idea), I could sense when there was a change of alter about to take place. Sometimes the alters emerged as a result of some kind of trigger. Sometimes they simply wanted to have their time in the driver's seat. When I started to sense what was going on (in therapy and by reading), I started to have some control over who would come out and when. One day I drove to the shopping mall as a 12-year-old alter. (not Buzzy and not necessarily advisable). I walked around the mall like that. I caught the attention of various people. People never said anything.

Some alters are depressed and they don't know why. Some get triggered easily and they don't know why. There is that prevailing amnesia, depression and anxiety before healing starts. The healing can start with the unveiling of the cause of the system. When the amnesia comes down, the anxieties go up!

Here is a recipe for healing. These things brought healing before I started therapy:
1) Marriage to a good woman (I think I was difficult but she was sweet)
2) I started having some trustworthy friendships.
3) I read and studied every day. Doing the same things every day will gradually break down the partitions.
4) I memorized long passages. (I actually memorized chapters of the Bible). Memorization is more difficult with DID because it has to transgress those alter partitions. But that's the very reason it's beneficial.
5) I was trusting God.

When I started working with a T in recovery, in my forties, I learned how to draw up the various younger alters by conscious choice. I started to integrate them by conscious choice. My T showed me how to do this in therapy sessions. I got "carried away" with the process and in impatience I started doing it at home. Like a runaway train I ended up crashing.

1) A diagram or list of the alters is constructed.
2) I prepared and memorized an agenda for each session.
3) I put on pre-recorded children's music.
4) I would put myself into deep relaxation in a dark, quiet place.
5) I Pressed the play button for the music.
6) A certain child alter (predecided) would come out and listen to the music.
7) I (adult outward me) would talk to the child alter. I had to convince him that he wanted to integrate. The reasons for integrating alters are: less confusion in the body, greater intellectual and physical strength, better rest, a feeling of healing. Reconciliation of what really is one anyway.
8) I would ask the child alter to integrate (The little child alters in me never refused).

It was exhausting to do the above list of activities. I would often fall asleep afterward. DID is exhausting anyway. Sometimes alters don't sleep at night and they can remain awake, keeping the body from fully resting. Some alters who remember abuse will plunge into a terrifying dreamlife during "sleep".

The exhaustion from this kind of activity can lead to sleep deprivation and vitamin deficiencies.

I was not able to do this integration scheme with the difficult alters. Buzzy who was age 12 and who had all the memories and contamination of terrible abuse would not consent to this strategy. So we dragged on for many months without healing in this area. I was co-conscious of being Buzzy and adult. I also had the ability to switch when I wanted to.

I compare this situation with the situation in the book: A Fractured Mind by Robert B. Oxnam:

Finally after years, EMDR brought unification of many of the difficult emotional systems.

Talk therapy has helped me to regain trust in people. First (in chronological order) friends, then wife, then therapist, then fellows in MS. Writing out our stories and our responses is very healing. I will post about this sometime soon.

The lasting result is an adult me who remembers a lot of evil stuff done to me and some good stuff from childhood. I still feel like a kid inwardly. I have had memory problems. I have posted elsewhere on memory problems. They are slowly yielding. I am slowly becoming a more joyful, more adult, more trusting person.

I had gained skill in certain important areas from a long time ago. But the skill was concentrated in certain alters. Unification of these alters in some cases left a deficit in the ability to access these skills. At least they were more difficult to tap into. I still haven't recovered some of the abilities left behind. But healing is well worth it. It was a terrifying roller-coaster ride to have DID.


Why did I write this post? I've suffered a lot because of the DID systems sit up in me by others when they abused me. I cannot regain what I have lost in life. The best outcome is to share openly what my symptoms were and what contributed to their healing.

I was helped by many books and by hearing lectures and reading the books of James G. Friesen:

Edited by pufferfish (06/21/12 04:49 PM)

#402537 - 07/04/12 10:25 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

#402561 - 07/04/12 07:27 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: pufferfish]
kcinohio Offline

Registered: 06/06/12
Posts: 499
Loc: Ohio
I think the escape key in the shorter general video is a great analogy for the switching phenomenon. Thanks for posting.

#402565 - 07/04/12 08:23 PM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Daniel_forgotten Offline

Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479

let's say my "normal person" as you call it is called James. So James dissapeared from age 13 and this "Daniel person" who is writting to you right now along with a "charlie person" took care of things. So when I (Daniel)am 17 years old, I find out I am not real, I am an "Alteration" of James who chosed to be unaware of everything bad that happened.

So I not only discovered the other parts that are alive inside me are some kind of disease and that I am different to everyone else but also that I am not real.
I am up front almost all the time now. And everyone that knows I have DID tells me I should go to therapy. If I go to therapy, I am the one who should dissapear, I am the intruder. "James" is the one who should be here alone but he is also the one who feels ok about going back .. there.

Cure means death

#402582 - 07/05/12 02:36 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 98
Chris: I'm sorry you have a tough time, hope it will be better.

Pufferfish: Thank you for the links and advice, I'll be sure to watch them when I feel stable enough. It seems to me I can't integrate on will, then my inner system just pretends to cooperate and the "integrated" part is playing dead inside until it can't anymore and I'm back to square one. Integration seems to be something that just happens gradually because of different parts merging together when cooperating about things. So EMDR helped? Seems spooky to me...

#402583 - 07/05/12 02:43 AM Re: Dissociative Identity Disorder anyone? [Re: Blessedcurse]
Blessedcurse Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 98
Daniel: Oh I hear you! To me it is a bit similar, well, I've more and more learned to see that none of my parts is the real me but all of them are equally.

But yeah, in my childhood memories I always has this normal part wich is not me, who takes care of all the normal stuff and this part always felt as the "real" person while seeing all other parts as intruders. But then again, I was there too, taking care of all the abuse so normal part wouldn't have to. Who's to say she's more real than me.

Well I made an insight the other week that I am one person and that means that all parts are damaged. Taking a big part of yourself and declaring "this is not me" is not that particularly sane. So nobody is going to die in integration.

Must feel really hard for you to be the intruder. But I don't think anyone is. I think you are a part of the whole person that was forced to take sole responsibility for the whole life when the other part chose to be unaware. I think you are equally real and that integration must be about merging together, sharing the responsibility even for the bad stuff. Not dying.

#445487 - 08/26/13 08:55 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: Blessedcurse]
GeorgeMartin Offline

Registered: 12/29/07
Posts: 205
Loc: USA
Researchers from the University of Iowa found that, when mice breathed air with increased levels of CO2 -- the same gas that builds up in people when they suffocate -- the mice responded by freezing in place. Upon further study, the researchers discovered that increased levels of CO2 produced higher pH levels in the mice, triggering a strong fear response in the part of their brains wired for survival. These studies might explain why, besides the obvious reasons, we panic when we're deprived of oxygen and, by extension, why asphyxiation is such a brutal method of torture.

When a person is choked, they are deprived of oxygen. In place of oxygen, one has an elevation of carbon dioxide CO2 which causes what is described above, but in the circumstances I am talking about, I would surmise the dynamic as more like “erotic asphyxiation” = what he (the perp) was doing. Repeatedly, he would do this, while the body was on the bed.

Why would anyone want to be in the body?

This whole suffocation dynamic unsettles me, because she (the "mother" of the house) used the SAME tactic, but with her hand(s) covering the nose and mouth, suffocating us into submission, or to get us to confess some perceived transgression(s) we’d retrospectively done or she’d accused us of doing.

It seems like there was a methodology to what the perpetrators of torment and torture were doing (i.e. planned - orchestrated - plotted). The restraints, whether it was by rope, or shirt sleeves being used to bind our hands, arms or legs, usually in the basement in our bed, I just cannot see as coincidentally or by “just circumstance.”

The ‘sock-in-the-mouth’ to keep us quiet, was yet another technique. I would rather use “us” instead of “I” or “me” when talking about this; simply because it doesn't give the wrong frame of being in those situations. I am not inferring my sibling was “involved” in any of these situations upstairs or downstairs as a victim or perp. I am sure, at the time, he must have been possibly aware of these two afore-mentioned perps doing these assaults against our persons; but he does not claim to remember anything of this nature; which causes me to DOUBT these “memories” of course.

I've said too much already...

#445495 - 08/26/13 11:31 AM Re: D.I.D. (Possible Triggers) [Re: GeorgeMartin]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

You didn't say too much. Those were thoughtful statements.

I'm learning so much about what I went through from several books. It amounts to a "breakthrough" for me:

Secret Weapons : Two Sisters' Terrifying True Story of Sex, Spies and Sabotage - Cheryl Hersha;

It helps me so much to see where I was when I was a dumb little kid.


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