I have to vent a bit. Since many people in my life don’t know about H’s abuse I can’t express myself entirely with them.
10 years ago we bought H's 'dream house'. This was his big dream that he always wanted. It wasn't my big dream because it is in Tiny Crap Town USA where my profession... basically didn't exist. H promised the world if I'd agree to move here, and I did.
It was all a lie. He had zero chance of doing what he said he would. He just wanted to move here to be close to his parents so he'd feel safe. I didn't know. It's kind of a cruel joke really - to be close to his parents to feel safe....he lived WITH his parents when he was abused. He wasn't 'safe'. Faced with difficulty his clan's reaction is like a herd of cartoon ostrich - bury your head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening. I was in a twisted cat & mouse game I wasn’t aware of.
Work has always been sparse for me here and usually it required long commutes. I did what I could for many years and after H's suicide attempt a couple years ago I decided to take a different path. I decided I'd work on my RN degree part time and work on his business. I honestly thought, and this kicks me in the @ss right now, that I could turn this sh*t hole situation around and find some silver lining. I thought: If I finish the Nursing degree I could find a place where I could work with abused kids/adults. I could help them physically – enrich them emotionally – I’ve seen the effects of this abuse on men and women so I should be an asset….right? It sounded like a plan to me.
Ah – but ignorance really is bliss.
Well over a year ago I started having serious sciatic pain. I was treated for it with meds and subsequently I try to do things in a way that won’t flare it up. Meanwhile, I’ve got his business rolling along and it’s looking like a banner year this year. I get and A in Chemistry last semester and I have 3 classes left to finish my RN (plus Clinical, which I am at the top of the list for acceptance into) Best year yet! Sounds great right?
So the sciatic pain keeps coming and I start having this protrusion from my abdomen as well as some other physical complaints. I go to the ER (since I went back to school I don’t have medical insurance) to find out I have a huge ‘mass’ in my abdomen. Grapefruit sized ‘mass’ – should be a fibroid, could be cancer. I don’t know yet. Regardless of the cancer status – it has to come out per the ER Dr. and Gyn Dr. I followed up with. The fun part here is that I need a surgeon with specific skills and the one I was referred to charges $500 for AN OFFICE VISIT. Just to show up is $500.00. Ok – well what does this stuff cost if you are ‘self-pay’, as they say. ??? No one in our find health care system seems to know what anything actually costs. Is a big incision hysterectomy 15k or 50k? No one knows. If I had a ‘code’ they could tell me a ballpark figure. I don’t have a ‘code’ yet.
I feel so angry and deceived. I went to college, in part, to avoid exactly this situation. I could have dropped out of high school and had this situation. I bettered myself in an attempt to make a better life for myself and my kids and now, because I believed in a man who was lying to me, I end up on the sh*ttiest end of any stick I ever knew about. I feel stupid and naive for thinking I could find a silver lining and make some good come out of this. I feel abandoned by H and his parents because they are all doing the ostrich routine and I have to: be the strong one for our kids, try to find a hospital with ‘charity care’, and hope I don’t have anything terminal.
I hope it will all work out for the best and this will just be an annoying blip on the radar. I don’t like being mad at him. He didn’t mean this. He didn’t do this on purpose. I know that.
I am really kicking myself for not being more selfish though. If I had never looked to try to turn this into a positive I wouldn’t be in this situation. If I had said (10 years ago) f*ck him and his dreams I wouldn’t be in this situation. I would probably still have had the ‘mass’ but the lack of medical care would have been different.
I don’t know…..maybe if I was more selfish I would have been working along and gotten killed in a car accident commuting to work. I guess I don’t know. Thanks for listening………