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#399447 - 06/05/12 12:28 PM I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS
colours Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Please know I do not want to offend anyone here, i just want help, Im not sure if there are or will be triggers in this post, so will say so just incase.

I have been living in a marriage type relationship with my partner for 7 years we moved in together due to circumstance about 3 months after we started dating. Please dont tell me to run like the road runner just because I dont have a wedding band every sense of our relationship has been like a marriage. The first I was alerted to anytype of behaviour was when i caught my partner having an emotional/sexual affair with another woman, he left me for this lady and came back after (reminding myself to be honest here) i did everything within my power to break them up (yes i have issues and im in therapy to working on caring about and finding me) some time after we got back together and i had invested yet more into the relationship i found out that he had cheated on me a number of times before he was caught in the above affair,including at least 2 prostitutes, and that he had also cheated on his wife, the past was the past and we were making a new beginning, i told myself I had broken the cycle i had caught him, (hmm yes my issues i know. A further 3 years down the track and he was caught having a relationship with another woman within my wider family through marriage, very messy i can assure you and this time he begged for me stay and would do anything to be the person i deserved including going to counselling, we went approximately 3 times before he decided to be the person he wanted to be he wanted to move interstate to be closer to his children (previous marriage)and be the father he should be, I agreed on the condition that we would find another counsellor and for that for the remainder of our lives should one of us wish to see a counsellor we would both go. And so we moved to a place where i was isolated and without a support network, every exuse in the book was used not to go counselling but after spending all of my savings moving interstate i felt somewhat stuck and so quit "nagging" about the counsellor. Since this time I had a feeling that he was hitting on a friends 19 year old daughter, she rejected him at the time i questioned her mother who knew about our relationship history and proceeded to tell me that her daughter had a vivid imagination was going through being rejected and dumped by her fiance, at the time my partner was very drunk and stated that he didnt remember saying anything to the girl. approx 4 weeks ago during my counselling session my psych asked me if my partner had been sexually abused when i advised that my partners father had been to jail for sexual assault on my partners neice. My partner never had any confusion over whether his father was capable of such a thing, he was only confused about how to feel about his father. He never questioned it at all, i know because at the time while i was trying to support him with my complete lack of knowledge on the subject i asked him how he felt never once did he express any concern over the accusations being false. Im sorry if that offends but i did experience those feelings of confusion. I stated to my counsellor no i didnt think he had been sa'd. It hadnt occurred to me. I did not mention this to my partner i never really gave it any thought. About a week and a half ago i found phone calls and a payment to a transsexual prostitute. His macho persona etc did not fit with this one it knocked me for six. I knew there was something more to this i have always held the beleif that everyone was the way they are for a reason, and so i began researching into his behaviour, i felt it was some sort of compulsion and along with other behaviours, such as his complete lack of trust in others, his perception of self, his "wild teens and twenties" drink drugs and violence, his sense of shame at his infidelity yet seeming inability to not understand it, and his ability to not be present particularly during difficult conversation or anything emotional - he goes somewhere, he can repeat everything you have just said but you just know he is not taking anything in and he is somewhere else, he is a master of avoidance when it comes to anything emotional, needs to go to the toilet, blow his nose, mundane chores such as washing dishes all of a sudden needs to be done right at that instant, grass growing on the television is all of sudden the most riveting sport ever. He has also mentioned that he (his words) "lost his virginity at age 14 to a 23 year old woman" he states that years later he found out his brother "lost his virginity" at the same age to the same woman. My partner at 14 certainly was not physically developed and i doubt emotionally developed. He states he was a loner and did not need friends at school that he rarely went to school and when he did he didnt participate, i asked what his parents thought of this he states they knew but didnt seem to care, he told me that he had a loving family his dad always supported him in sport etc but later that day rang back and told me that at time he would leave the house in his early teens without telling anyone where he was going and be gone for 5 days and upon return no one had even missed him enough to ask where he'd been, he has always stated he was the black sheep of the family and that his dad picked on him for things that the other brothers got away with.

Sooooo, i honestly cannot say where i found these lists of apparent indicators of sa, so many hours/days, telephone conversations with 3 specialists in sa csa and male sa & csa etc, while none of them have categorically stated he was sa'd they have all stated that the indications are extremely significant. I asked him if anything had happened, i told him he needed help with why he keeps going to see prostitutes and other women, as he states he doesnt know why and to be honest i know that he is not just guilty but very ashamed, he has stated that he feels this way even when he doesnt get caught, (yes there were others i didnt catch him with that he didnt need to admit to and did, without details, i dont need details its all the same) I asked him if there was anything that happened to him when he was younger and he stated no. I left it at that and to this day have just kept reading and reading, to this day he does not know that i am aware the prostitute was a transsexual complete with male genitalia, he may fear that i suspect he was sa'd, but he is not sure that i know i have not stated it outright. He is a runner, so far he has taken me with him, he did not take his wife when he last ran, he has not taken previous girlfriends, they did not catch or prove that he cheated on them, he left because he was cheating on them. I am terrified if he finds out that I know about the transsexual prostitute or the seriously suspected sa that he will run and possibly harm himself. He has been to a counsellor and requested that i go in first and tell her everything i know, i beleive that he thinks i have just blown the whistle on all of the infidelity i know about. I have told the counsellor who is a psychologist what i beleive i know and the indicators i have described above along with other details of our intimate lives, however after all of the research ive done im terrified he is not with a psychologist that specialised in this field, i dont know how to get him to anyone who does with this feeling of walking on eggshells and not saying anything more about what or why i suspect sa. He has agreed to continue seeing the counsellor and knows he needs to work on himself to be happy. So frustrating, so scared, any advice?? any thoughts?? I need a hug.

#399498 - 06/05/12 06:36 PM Re: I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS [Re: colours]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3842
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey Colours, welcome to Male survivor!
Here is hug for you:
It is difficult if not impossible to tell if your partner was sa when he was not interested to share his thoughts and story.
His relationship with transvestite doesn't have to be some evidence for sa as well as his often cheating.
Even those are some indications it is impossible to be sure.
But while I was reading your post this question came to me:
I wonder what makes you so worried/scarred that he could harm himself because of something you know?
I wonder why you were so scared that he is seeing expert who is not specialized in the field, what if he has not been sa?
Please think what you can do to move your focus form him to yourself? You should think more on yourself and your needs, where are you in overall picture beside you are death scared of being left?
I'm sorry if I'm rude but please think a little bit more on your needs, you are very sensitive person, you also have some needs.
Your post reminded me about some talks between my niece and me about her boyfriend and problems that they have had. My niece has found that if you want to know what your partner feels about you there is no need to talk about it, just look how you two communicate non-verbally, all answers are there already. Emotions are transferred much more trough non-verbal communication rather than verbal - that is scientifically proved.
Please take care of yourself and don't be so scared, you can't and mustn't take all responsibility for your partner and his behavior!
My story

#399504 - 06/05/12 08:34 PM Re: I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS [Re: colours]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
What 23 year old woman has sex with a 14 yr old boy? That is abuse. Think back to when you were 23 yrs old. did you want to sleep with an 8th grader? Highly doubtful. That is abuse and very creepy.

In my opinion, you have the answer.

Hugs to you, my friend. This is not easy stuff to deal with. Have u tried getting him to go to a Sex Addicts anonymous meeting?

#399509 - 06/05/12 08:49 PM Re: I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS [Re: colours]
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Dear Colours

I agree with Lucy! She said it a whole lot better than I did before loosing my reply, some place in th www. Even her comments on sexual addiction is the same.

The only thing I need to add is PLEASE take care of yourself. Make sure that you are not opening yourself up to abuse, disease and loosing your essence in the process.

Start with taking care of yourself, become stronger, find YOU.

There is a life after CSA, take one step at a time

#399518 - 06/06/12 12:10 AM Re: I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS [Re: colours]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
I think everyone here is hearing the same alarms sounding!

I'm not sure about Australia, but in the US, a 14-year-old is not of legal age to consent to sex. The adult would be charged with child abuse, rape, etc. If perchance the law in Australia is more liberal, it matters not. No 14-year-old is emotionally mature enough to engage in sexual acts- especially with an adult! If that was the ONLY thing you'd disclosed it's enough to establish a history of abuse. Your beloved is absolutely a victim of CSA.

Please bring his attention to this site. If he won't look at it, print out some posts. Or buy a book; there are good ones listed on the Home page.

I'm sorry for your pain, Colours. It's going to be a long haul for you both. Let us be here for you.


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#399520 - 06/06/12 12:25 AM Re: I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS [Re: colours]
colours Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
Hey everybody thankyou for your replies,i agree about the 23 year old, however while i believe that pain is pain i still dont beleive that that is all there is, call it womens intuition i can feel it in my bones or whatever. I am taking care of myself I have been in therapy myself for my own issues, yes abandonment is one of my fears, i dont beleive that there are too many that dont want their loved ones leaving them. anyway.....short story i am feeling myself emotionally on the inside I am ok and will be ok no matter whether my partner recovers or does not,obviously i (desperately) want him to recover from whatever it is that has him in such emotional pain. I hate seeing anyone unhappy, i feel for them, yes i am compassionate, in the past i have been a rescuer and the rescued. Through therapy I know that there is not a darn thing that i can do to MAKE him recover, gosh that is hard to take!! He has been to therapy once and his counsellor has explained to him that his inability to be present has a "label" it is called emotionally disassociative. Step 1 he realises there is more to this problem than just the "sex". He has told a friend that he "cant help" himself when it comes to other women, when i have spoken with him in the past before my suspicions of sa, before my therapy, i have asked him if he thought he was a sex addict - "no", if he wanted an open relationship - "no could not bare the thought of me being with another man". More recently I have asked if he thinks this behaviour is getting worse - "no". He has lost and missed opportunities due to this behaviour, whether he states that he control it or not my gut says he cant. His guilt over his wife has rendered him unable to ever say she had fault in any of their relationship woes and that her actions making it difficult for him to have any relationship with his children are not so much just but that she just hasnt done anything. He left that relationship after 16 years with nothing but the clothes on his back. He has stated that he hates himself that he is not a good person. Hi behaviour around others is very a insecure extrovert, trying desperately to do or be things for others so that he will fit in. It hurts me to see him treat himself this way. I have had for some time now thought that there is definately more to him than just being a cheat, his behaviour in so many other forms show him to be insecure and he does not seem to have a full understanding of the fact that i do love him, its sort of a foreign concept for him. I am actually no longer practicing sex with him at all this is one of my boundaries as until i feel fine with it on "the inside". I have not been able to get an appointment with my psychologist since he met with ts prostitute, i have one in two days. I have in the last week had telephone sessions about this situation, me and my partner with at least 3 different specialist psychologists in this field. Unfortunately I cannot continue therapy with them in anyway as they dedicated to men only or survivors of sa. I am still making room everyday to "WORK" on me and I am trying very hard to stay true to myself and my own core values. Something I have been working on in therapy. What lead me to therapy? Serious lack of self esteem a recognition of behaviours i had developed that weren't working to acheive what i wanted out of life, and a desperate need to understand and know how to change myself, my thought processes and negative behavioural patterns. Thank god or whatever higher power that may have helped me to go to therapy when i did, i do not have all the answers on how to cope with this current struggle, but i am much better equipped than i was. I have recognised some of my core values, i know myself much better and I am passionate about healing me and my pain. My life has not and will not stop because of the issues i am struggling with, with my partner, at 36 years old my life is just starting,i have just yesterday enrolled in a degree at university. I am doing other things that make me happy and secure within myself, it is scary, behavioural patterns are comfortable habits, breaking them is uncomfortable and scary a journey into the unknown. I know that if I am not working to be a best me for me,the best life for me, I cannot be of help to or have anything to offer anyone else. I am forgiving myself for not being perfect and others who have wronged me either intentionally or unintentionally, even if they dont forgive themselves, the ability to forgive is for me and it is liberating and powerful. I feel like im on the road, you know the one that leads to the little town "Peace" nearest to the big city "Happy", i just dont want to leave my partner behind. The cold hard fact is that there is nothing i can do to make him come with me,he has to want to, and there seems to be a lot of barriers that he has to fight through to acheive even a few steps. I can see a light for me and I'm following it, I will offer him my hand if he wants to come i will hold it all the way up the road, but i cannot carry him even if thats what he wants and definately not if he is kicking and screaming, he is too heavy. I know that this is not the easy road, staying with my partner while he recovers from whatever has caused his pain, will very deifinately be hard, in fact the search for information has had me having some flashbacks that arent nice and have me looking forward to friday so i can understand them, let alone dealing with whatever falls out of him as he journeys further down this process. Further to this I know that when he does find himself, like himself etc, i might just not be his "cup of tea", and you know what, thats ok. I am going with my core values on this one, i feel if i desert now that i would be abusing my own core values, one of my major core values is COMPASSION, if i leave now i feel i would not be honouring that part of myself. I would make myself unhappy if i abused that part of myself, note to self......the difficult part of this will be recognising if he is abusing that core value.

I do not have all the answers, i am a work in progress myself, i cannot do what i dont know,i will make mistakes. So im here, asking for answers and seeking knowledge, to gain support from others experiences and give what little info i have (scared to give info incase its wrong at this point)on looking after me, to learn from others mistakes and share my own.

So i have identified that Compassion is one of my core values, and i have also identified that patience is not one of my virtues, in this case i am on a steep learning curve to learning this PATIENCE thing, another discussion for Friday.

In direct answer to some of your questions, i am terrified that he is not with the right therapist as she is not a specialist in this field to my knowledge, I have read enough on here to know what kind of damage can be done to this process by an ill equipped psychologist and it scares the crap out of me. I have finally got him to accept and want help from a psychologist, i dont want her to muck that up. No i cant get him to a sex addicts anonymous meeting, im in Australia it feels like we are years behind you guys over there, but i may be wrong as i havent researched those kinds of resources here yet, and in any case i feel that assigning that label "sex addict", one which he has allready rejected, to a meeting would be exactly the kind of thing that will make him avoid it. Why am i scared he will harm himself? Because he has kept these things a secret from everybody, to his knowledge only he knows, he himself at times has had horrible remarks to say about other people who do what he does. He has in the past mentioned that everyone would be better off without him, and has eluded to such thoughts of ending his life.

Thankyou all for your support and thought provoking questions on me, you have all given me more to work on, and i thankyou for that opportunity.

#399558 - 06/06/12 11:59 AM . [Re: Pie]
Life's A Dream Offline

Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island

Edited by Life's A Dream (01/13/13 03:21 AM)

#399563 - 06/06/12 12:27 PM Re: I suspect my partner has been abused TRIGGERS [Re: colours]
colours Offline

Registered: 06/05/12
Posts: 23
Loc: Australia
thanks to a very helpful telephone sa counsellor i have had the tests for std's. I had them not long ago as well which came back negative due to an interest at the time of pursuing ivf, yeah yeah i was very much in denial until, thankfully, it smacked me in the face and sent me off the psychologist.

Edit.... By the way thanks for all of your advice, it reassures me that im on the right track.

Edited by colours (06/06/12 12:29 PM)


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