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#398584 - 05/28/12 01:25 PM Newbie Here - coming to grips
PandaBear Offline

Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 2
Morning. I'm new to this forum and look forward to having the insights and support offered here. I was abused by my female nanny starting around age 6. After years of acting out, I started to deal with my pain and (often) co-dependent behaviors. It's destroyed my marriage of 27 years, finally dealing w reality and being aware that I can be a whole person without acting out with lies, insecurities, infidelity, and failure after failure on the brink of success.

Few believe or understand what I'm dealing with and how my entire being has been effected by something over which I've had little to no control. My wife and kids are estranged, and I am moving on, probably to a new city and career elsewhere. I've found.a wonderful woman who understands and accepts me and my desire to move on without the burdens of the past. I'm happy and.feel fulfilled, but the changes to my personality based on my new understandings have made my previous friendships and marriage untenable.

I'd be interested in hearing from others. Why is it so hard for others to understand and accept this reality?

#398588 - 05/28/12 02:26 PM Re: Newbie Here - coming to grips [Re: PandaBear]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2708
Loc: durham, north england
Hi panderbear and welcome.

It actually sounds as if you've done an amazing amount of healing and work on your own, ---- so first off congratulations, you should feel really proud of the progress you've made.

As to why people don't recognize, unfortunately it's the truth that we're living in a society that is sexist towards men. men, even as young boys cannot be victims, much less the victims of female abusers sinse culture and sterriotypes tell us that women are good, right and only ever the victims of male abuse, while men are stupid, dumb, strong and can never be vulnerable to abuse by others, ---- much less women. Furthermore, men must deal with this in silence and get over it, as contrast just look at how many websites and resources there are for female victims of abuse by men as opposed to the other way around.

Of course, this is not to deny that female abuse happens, just that the bias within society and the atitudes surrounding male abuse are really unequal.

I once had an ethics lecturer for instance who began her so called "none biased introduction" to s/xual ethics with the words "it is a scientifically proven fact that seventy percent of men would rape a woman if they could"

So, this is why it's so under publicized, many men don't even recognize what has happened to them.

Myself, while I'd experienced bullying and serious humiliation at secondary school, I'd never counted it as s/xual abuse, much less gang rape because the perpetrators of the abuse (at least the s/xual stuff), were teenaged girls, that group in our society which we are told are so innocent and in need of protection.

The fact that you yourself worked out what happened to you was! abuse, and have recovered from it shows a great deal of perception and strength on your part.

I really hope you find this community of as much help to you as it is continuing to be to me.


#399328 - 06/04/12 11:18 AM Re: Newbie Here - coming to grips [Re: dark empathy]
PandaBear Offline

Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 2
Thanks Luke. Your reply gave me a lot of comfort and confidence I'm on the right path. It's been a struggle. My wife and twenty-something children are having a terrible time reconciling my past with my behaviours, and our married friends have all but wiped me out of their lives for being an adulterer, liar and other inappropriate behaviours. Yet having come to a watershed realization of my actions and the triggers, and being well into recovery, their attitudes have made it both more difficult to deal with, especially the shunning by my kids. What they think doesn't matter, and their lack of understanding and compassion may hurt, but I see going through this journey without them as part of the challenge of recovery and achieving more normalcy. I know I will have to work on this forever, but i also am stronger, happier and to deal with everyday issues.

#399363 - 06/04/12 05:09 PM Re: Newbie Here - coming to grips [Re: PandaBear]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3863
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Panda, welcome to Male survivor.
It seems that you were found way to fight obstacles to your happiness after some time. I'm sorry to hear that your family and friends abandon you in this process.
I would like to learn more how you were dealing and what have you accomplished to stop doing some acting whit "lies, insecurities, infidelity, and failures" as you said?
Please look how to connect to others survivor here and share more wiht us.
Be well!
My story

#400557 - 06/16/12 03:36 AM Re: Newbie Here - coming to grips [Re: PandaBear]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: PandaBear
...Why is it so hard for others to understand and accept this reality?...


I believe altered states of awareness cause others to be cautious. This being cautious is very difficult for us survivors to risk new behaviors and accept old ones.

I have been separated (divorced) from my wife for over 20 years. I have not seen my kids for 12 years.

I am glad you are opening up as I know true healing happens when we speak our truth.

aka DJsport

#400586 - 06/16/12 04:01 PM Re: Newbie Here - coming to grips [Re: PandaBear]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3851

Many have said no one truly understands what it is like to live with the secret, the shame of abuse, it eats at our core until we heal. But to heal requires support. Many around us tell us they are compassionate human beings, feel sad when someone is hurting--but as soon as they have to face someone in this situation the true character shows. Actions of others are more important than empty words.

I too have been there, I acted out, lost time and these various states of awareness nearly destroyed me--scared not knowing why or how I got somewhere, but as I heal the altered states (I do not consider the child a different person anymore--when I was burying the abuse I disowned that part of me, and whatever that part of me did was not me.) But when you dissociate and these other parts of us take over, life can be hell. I now understand the shame, guilt, denial, pretending it never happened fragmented me--some have worked to understand, others have done little to support. I know how you feel with your children--probably did many things for them, but they only want to condemn you for what you did without ever trying to understand the abuse. I guess at times I understand, I tried to deny the abuse, could not accept maybe everyone feels this way. I find it most troubling when adults tell the children the abuse is hogwash, the abuse does not cause issues to the victim, dissociation is not real, the sense of shame and guilt get over it--what can you expect from a child. but one day they will realize what has been done to you, the life they lost without you and their failure to reflect on the life you gave them. It will be a loss for everyone. But you must heal and as difficult as it is, the children need to reflect on themselves and look at the entire past--your abuse was part of you.

I wish you well on your healing journey. I can tell you it is a hard road but as you heal you will feel the rewards--as you are seeing with a beautiful new woman with a heart of compassion and love. The world would be a better place with more people who open their hearts to understand and show compassion. I know in my case the tears, the sacrifices, the burdens of someone with a physical illness was overwhelming. But abuse carries far less compassion or desire to understand.

Edited by KMCINVA (06/16/12 04:14 PM)


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