I feel VERY FAKE. I told my wife I didn't relate to the stories I was reading because I have no memory of abuse at all. I don't have any suggestion of SA from anybody and never would have believed I was SA'ed. It is only the problems I am having in adult life that match a lot of the symptoms of survivors that points to me having been the victim of CSA.
I have no memory of any events or any proof of any events. I have no idea as to who could have abused me. That leaves me feeling very lost. I feel like I am just looking for the reason for all my problems, like some kind of excuse. I don't want to believe I have been abused. I don't know who I should blame or who is responsible if I have been abused. I don't know if I should be angry or who I should be angry with. I feel frustrated, alone and I am so scared.
My wife suffers all of my behavioural problems and my marriage is in a terrible state because of the way I react and behave.
I am sorry if I offend anybody reading this but I actually envy those that remember and know where there problems originate. At least you know where to start with treatment. I keep seeing psychiatrists who vary from telling me I am normal to OCD and are unable to help unravel where my problems originate.
you may feel lost and alone, frustrated and scared, but there are many of us who understand all of that and can stand with you even when you don't know why you are having the problems you are experiencing. we ALL have had those feelings and sometimes many of us still do.
as one of those you envy, (i remember much of what happened to me) let me say i am not offended by it, but believe me - it's no piece of cake either! i have recovered numerous additional memories and also more details of older memories while in therapy.
if you are not sensing any progress, maybe you have not yet found the right T. have any of those you have seen been specialists in CSA? that would be helpful, i think. and my T tells me it is not even necessary to have remembered everything in order to move on and start healing the negative effects. like - you don't have to know where you picked up a germ in order to treat the physical symptoms.
anyone you could ask about your childhood who might have some clues?
anyway - keep at it. the work is not easy or quick - but it is possible to move on. sooner or later, i believe you will know more.