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#399208 - 06/02/12 05:23 PM Escape in denial and silence
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Hi !
My name is Myriam. I am writing from France. A few months ago I met a very nice guy and after meeting quite a few times we went to vacations to Spain and it became more intimate between us. But as he was in my arms, memories of abuse by his mother resurfaced. He knows I am a survivor and we were able to talk about what was going on. When we got back he started acting strangely like passive agressive, changing our plans, testing me like I could never do things right. He acted also like his life was back as it was before our trip, like nothing had happened and he went as far as going back dating an ex girlfriend. We managed to meet for a talk but all he was not able to share about how he felt. I had a gut feeling that every time he saw me it trigggered him bad, remind him the time he was in my arms sobing because of the pain. Then left to visit his parents in Israel and basically disappeared. In April, I invited me to a very special occasion he knew that was important to me. He did not say yes, did not say no but in the end he wasn't there. Now he is stuck in his cave, really stuck as he has chosen to cut off communication. Recently I met him at our local synagogue twice. He looked like a guilty little boy, ashamed, confused, guilty. It was not really possible to talk to him as he was with his girlfriend and anyway since he has decided to cut off communication I do not want to be intrusive. After all the wonderful moments, the connection, it is horrible to end up in this situation, especially because we are going to meet at the synagogue quite often. His friends tell me he is used to keeping to himself when not ok but also he is too proud to ask for help.
Anyway any insights will help about this process of silence and denial.Thank you
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

#399228 - 06/03/12 04:06 AM Re: Escape in denial and silence [Re: Caetel]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
Hi Myriam-

I'm sure sorry for your situation. What about writing him a letter??? You could write down your feelings and what you suspect is happening to drive him away (being triggered). You could remind him that you both can help each other heal and grow through this being you're both survivors?

I love letters because they can be read and re-read until the message sinks into the heart.

Other than this suggestion, I'm at a loss.


Edited by herowannabe (06/03/12 04:07 AM)
Edit Reason: Corrected spelling

For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#399236 - 06/03/12 05:33 AM Re: Escape in denial and silence [Re: Caetel]
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Hi Myriam

I understand your desire to help him and would like to be able to give you some suggestions as what to do.

Yet I am perplexed as to why you are desperate to get back into a relationship, even just friedship, with another csa victim after your pain and heartbreak with V? Have you had other relationships between and how has your own healing been?

IMHO I would like to say let him be. Look within yourself and put closure on the hole in your soul. There is so much pain in the world and we cannot heal it all, but our positive attitudes and love of ourselves can become testiment to others, hence attracting those that desire the same peace, happiness and healing to us. There is no point in chasing those that do not desire what we have already found.

With the light of love around you there will be healing

#399261 - 06/03/12 05:03 PM Re: Escape in denial and silence [Re: Caetel]
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Thank you for your response. First I want to say that I cannot even write to Y. because he asked me not to ! So I am stuck because I cannot express anything which is bringing up some real frustration.
Thanks Pie for remembering me because it has been a long time since I posted on MS. I have done a great deal of healing since then. As a survivor I discovered that the abuse I suffered was much worse than incest (my father is my perpetrator). Memories of satanic ritual abuse in a pedophile ring resurfaced 2 years ago after I reached out for a healing work in fasciatherapy and pelvic osteopathy. I have gone through it and it was a relief to finally understand what had really happened and why I had so many difficulties in my life. Also in my healing journey I was able to put a wonderful closure with V. through an understanding that is way beyond psychology. We had a strong soul connection and a lot of karmic pain. V and I had had a lot of lives together which were happy but also quite tragic especially the last one when we were brutally separated in Auchwitz and ended up in the gaz chambers. Today I am really at peace with him as all this karmic pain has been released.
When I met Y. I had no idea he was a survivor and because of amnesia he did not know himself. We met at our local synagogue (I converted to judaism this year and changed my name) and before we actually became friends we both received disclosures of sexual abuse by people who had been abused at this synagogue by a previous rabbi now retired. Y. immediately called the help line which opened a police investigation leading to the arrest of the pedophile rabbi. Y. who worked in the synagogue was then "sacked" by the board composed then by a lot of "friends" of this rabbi. The abuses were known but vastly minimized and covered up. So I went to see him first to tell him I supported him and that he had done the right thing and that I did not agree with the cover up. I wanted to take some singing and liturgy classes (he is a specialist of liturgy singing) and we kept in contact outside the synagogue as I started to take classes with him. So our relationship developped around spirituality. I guess the fact that I was open to talk about abuse and his role at the synagogue to break the silence was a a big trigger for his own disclosure.
I believe we cannot command whom we love and I tend to meet a lot of male survivors which is weird. I have friends also who had memories of abuse resurfacing after meeting me. Since I am now a full time native healer and therapist, I guess it is part of who I am now so much in the light that no darkness can stand around me. I still believe that what we have shared is precious enough and remain hopeful that when he is a little better he will contact me. But not knowing what is going on is hard especially feeling like I am just a trigger on legs for him makes me sad. Thank you for reading.

Edited by Caetel (06/03/12 05:07 PM)
Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

#399316 - 06/04/12 06:47 AM Re: Escape in denial and silence [Re: Caetel]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
HI Myriam

I am sorry for your pain.
I am kinda with hero and Pie here. This chap is pushing you away, He wont let you contact him, talk to him or even write to him.
As a survivor, I would say leave it. Close the book on that chapter of your life and move on.

Being with someone that does not care for you is hard but being with a survivor that does not wish to face his past, does not seem to care for you and does not wish to heal from his past, is going to be HELL for you.

Deal with the pain that you have now, but don't try to get into more pain. Dating a survivor is like riding a roller coaster to Hades. It might be fun in the beginning, but half way through you discover where you are going and what is going to happen and you wont be able to get off.

You are also not a therapist, so don't try to save him. Save your self and move on to another relationship.
I know this sounds harsh, but trust me it is the best soloution For YOU.

Heal well
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