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#399024 - 05/31/12 08:00 PM suggestions from a counselor?!?!?
Yellowbird Offline

Registered: 04/22/12
Posts: 27
OK, I am a little beside myself. My fiance chose to see a counselor and I told him it was good what he did and how much strength he has by making the step. His counselor then informed him that he should several all ties to me, so he can work through some of his issues. He informed me that every time he thinks of us he becomes angry. Prior to his assault is when I found myself coming down with panic attacks. These attacks were due to abandonment feeling that were correlated with my past. During this time I was pushing him away. I began to see a therapist and worked through these feelings and got over them shortly after his assault. I asked him what about our relationship is causing him stress. Keep in mind I have not really heard much from him in the past month and I have been respecting his space. He responded by saying all the stress from being pushed away and trying to make time to see each other, and all the stress that my son has caused to me.

I did let him know that counselors are not suppose to tell you to sever ties with someone that they are suppose to help you through all the feeling that you have with relations to anyone. My therapist just told me that we should honor each other space and use the time to heal ourselves and not worry about the relationship at this time. And when we are feeling better with ourselves then to make a go of it.

OK, I understand the anger that come out of this and I know right now he is blaming me for his anger. Or at least that is how it is making me think that is what he is doing. I did not respond to his blame. I did tell him that he has to make that choice to sever the ties if that is what he wants and not to let his counselor make that decision for him.

I don't know if I did the right thing or not. But I don't think a counselor should tell someone to sever ties with a person that has been apart of your life going on four years now.

This topic is completely open for discussion. I know I can't be the only one out there that has encountered this. I'm just a little confused.
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

#399026 - 05/31/12 08:11 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3852
The counselor sounds quite extreme and probably not a very competent one at that. Unfortunately, there are many incompetent practicing counselors and psychiatrist out there--this is a specialist area--but many so called counselors and psychiatrists are not trained nor capable in this field. The medical profession has some wonderful practitioners but once they cross outside their specialty or area of knowledge someone once said to me they are practicing quackery. I know many like this and believe they are all knowing and I know others who do not opine and recommend a consult with a specialist. I think your fiance has met one who borders on quackery.

You need to find a counselor and work through you concerns and issues. Your fiance need to do the same-the anger, shame and self guilt can be overwhelming.

Good luck

#399027 - 05/31/12 08:19 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
GeorgeMartin Offline

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 207
Loc: USA
Detachment Therapy... like Reparative Therapy was and is created by a bunch of 1960's druggies in my thinking. Coincidentally I watched a video.....on

Here is the links:

This is cult like behaviors by L.S.W. and anyone who tells a client to detach from all their loved ones. Here is a healthy suggestion. RUN!!! Get away from that type of counselor! They are dangerous. That's just my opinion. Take it or leave it. But watch the clip..... Sure, respectfully honoring a companion's space and time to heal etc is grand, but to do it suddenly, and in such a toxic way, its not healthy at all for either person or one's family.

#399035 - 05/31/12 09:21 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
phoenix321 Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
The counselor is incompetent. Find another. Sorry.

A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

#399037 - 05/31/12 09:45 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
After 3 sessions my first therapist (ever) told me to divorce my husband. I was not averse to her suggestion, I just didn't feel like she had enough information to definitively make that recommendation. I divorced her instead.
Wife of a survivor

#399041 - 05/31/12 10:00 PM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
A thought: Could this decision actually be HIS idea, but he's blaming it on the counselor to dodge the responsibility?

Don't shoot me for playing the devil's advocate! I'm just throwing this out for consideration!

If this truly was the therapist's directive, I'd say it's time to find a new one. Better yet, ask if you could attend a session with him to get clarification from the horse's mouth as to exactly what she/he is suggesting. There could be factors you're unaware of. I safe to come out now...? wink


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#399045 - 06/01/12 12:03 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
IMHO, Hero is right! How do you know the therapist really said that?

Also, not all therapists are competent and even fewer are competent in CSA and it's victims.

A therapist I saw told me on my first visit to just accept that my husband was gay and a sociopath. And he said he was trained in sex addiction. The man was clueless. I went back to the "recommended" therapist who was much more expensive but very knowledgeable in these type issues.

#399046 - 06/01/12 12:14 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
My same thought was to remember that this is second hand information.

I agree that there are incompetent therapists but I also agree that most therapists don't look at relationships until they have fully assessed the person so this seems like a premature recommendation no matter what the expertise level.

#399052 - 06/01/12 02:26 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
I'm sorry to hear of this turn of events Yellowbird. frown I've heard of those cultish "therapists" too who recommend severing ties. I'd be extremely skeptical. None of my therapists would have told me to cut contact with someone, even my abusive parents. They discussed all angles with me, yes, but never did they give advice.

To me that advice is crazy. You're his main support system, he is recovering from a severe trauma, of course he is upset and it figures he might lash out/push away anyone within a 50 foot radius. Removing everything in that 50 foot radius isn't the answer. In fact the answer is the opposite, trying to keep our support system intact WHILE ALSO working through the trauma, if at all possible.

I was where your fiance is, up to my neck in PTSD and triggers regarding anyone getting remotely close to me, and my instinct was to push my partner far, far away. I went to my therapist EVERY WEEK for months asking if I should get divorced. In retrospect, I was 80% reacting to the trauma and 20% to the relationship (and she eventually helped me see this).

I can only imagine the pain that you must be in watching things unravel like this. It sounds like you are trying everything you can. Your therapist sounds like a level headed and wise person, given the situation your fiance is presenting you with, perhaps putting the relationship on hold in your mind would allow you to protect yourself from further hurt.

#399065 - 06/01/12 03:39 AM Re: suggestions from a counselor?!?!? [Re: Yellowbird]
Yellowbird Offline

Registered: 04/22/12
Posts: 27
Herowannabe, I did look at that side of the box. He started this whole conversation by text. He lives in one city I live in another. I told him that it had to be his choice and not to let his counselor make that decision for him. He then told me in text that he thought it be a good idea. I then called him, because I was tired of letting him have the safe haven of text message and I deserved better than receiving this decision through text. When he answered that was the 1st thing I said to him. He said that was not his intention to do it this way and he said that he is just not who I once knew and that he is a different person. He said that he has turned into a very angry person and he just thinks that it best that he work this out. He said that he still wants to stay in touch. And maybe, maybe later he can function in a healthy relationship again. I agreed that we both need to heal ourselves, I agreed to breaking off the engagement. My heart is heavy, but hopeful.

I just don't understand why a counselor would say this to a person.

You all have to understand too that I have had my son in and out of drug and alcohol treatment centers for the past two years. I have kicked him out because I was suspecting that he had gone back to his old way and dealing out of my house. I have two other boys here and we were starting to live in fear. Now that I have kicked him out, I have the police here every week looking and asking questions.

I am going to call my own therapist tomorrow. I have not ever bothered him in between visits but I am going to now. I am going to send my former fiance the list of therapist, not counselors that service in his area. My sadness has turned to anger.

Thank you mmfan, and everyone else. He is not a CSA but an ASA.
Without faith nothing is possible, with it everything is possible. You just have to believe.

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