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#398450 - 05/26/12 11:28 AM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: CruxFidelis]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2717
Loc: durham, north england
The funny thing is crux fidalis, I actually could've just about written a lot of your post myself.

I had a very happy childhood in terms of family, and still get on very well with my parents and my brother. While I feel great sympathy and compassion for men who had abuse happen at home, or by an adult, I have absolutely no experience of that whatsoever, and frequently find that I really can't comment when people are discussing adult abuse of a child, or relationships to their parents or other adults in their lives.

this isn't to say that what I went through was exactly like an asa surviver, only that as I said earlier, I don't think the distinction is quite as clear cut as it seems. While I fully agree there needs to be more recognition of adult male asa survivers in the media or in professional literature, when it comes to this site I'm not quite as sure things are as polarised as the initial asa/csa setup would suggest.

#398464 - 05/26/12 04:55 PM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: CruxFidelis]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
When I referred to coping skills I was speaking about to do with the aftermath, not with the assault itself. I'm sorry if you misunderstood me about that. With any sexual assualt or abuse, of course it strains the abilities of the survivor to deal with what happened to them, no matter what age they are. I was just making reference to the obvious, which is that adults have better abilities to comprehend the bad stuff that happens in this world than children do. That said, when one is the victim of something as horrible as sexual abuse or assault as a child or as an adult our perspective and our ability to process is always limited by the trauma we've experienced. Just my thoughts.
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And well change the world.

#398647 - 05/29/12 03:17 AM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: WriterKeith]
lapchinj Offline

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1485
Loc: New York
Hey Gary,

That's what I call going the extra mile for others. I would like to become more familiar with asa and how it's handled. I can see differences but any type of trauma is bad. I think everything has its time to come about. It took the women's movement to bring about a lot of stuff like csa. But I think I for one need a better understanding of asa to really see how I think things through.

Peace,Rainbows & Healing
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

#398650 - 05/29/12 03:47 AM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
DE, good points. A lot to think about.

From what I've learned from ASAs here on MS, it seems that ASAs have a harder time with the shame and guilt. Logic gives us a pretty clear reason why and how a child could not protect himself but we have a harder time extending understanding and compassion on an older male who was assaulted.
ASAs, does this sound accurate?

#398656 - 05/29/12 05:20 AM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: WriterKeith]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
very accurate
If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.

- Saint John of the Cross

#398670 - 05/29/12 01:53 PM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: WriterKeith]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2717
Loc: durham, north england
I can interlectually understand that in terms of social atitude myself, given the way society treats men and women, but on this site and in context of my own feelings I find it very difficult to even imagine someone possessing! that viewpoint.

Saying someone who has experienced sa is not a victim is to me like saying a green tree is not green, just obviously and totally illogical. Of course, most people aren't exactly reasonable when it comes to their commonly held beliefs, which is as I understand it one of the major issues in Asa, the expectations of others within society about what a man should! be that the asa surviver does not come up to.

i don't think however it's too helpful to confuse the atitudes of society with organizations like ms, sinse one thing I've really noticed in ms is that for quite obvious reasons the guys here are much more open minded and inclined towards empathy than most of society, (as a visually impared person who's treated like a member of an alien race by almost every stranger I meet, I really appreciate this fact myself).

So on a practical level, instead of trying to split asa and csa survivers specifically even within ms, why not just as we currently have a s/xual identity forum, have a specific forum for personal or social identity, where anyone, ---- but especially asa survivers could discuss problems with identity, expectations, guilt and social acceptance, in a forum uniquely set aside for such conversations.

having a specific forum will encourage people to bring those sorts of matters into the open, and so have more conversations on those sorts of issues, and sinse this is obviously a more serious issue for many asa survivers than csa survivers, it will encourage more unique contributions from them, though of course any csa survivers who felt similar issues might chime in there too, just as any asa surviver who had a similar s/xual identity problem to a csa surviver would be welcome to use that forum.

Also, having a specific forum for discussing this issue will show any visitors to the site who are doing research or similar that it is! an issue, and thus point them in the direction of the fact that Asa abuse of mails actually exists.

#398685 - 05/29/12 04:24 PM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: WriterKeith]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
deleted on author's request

Edited by ModTeam (02/27/14 12:58 AM)
Edit Reason: deleted on author's request

#398744 - 05/30/12 02:13 AM Re: Adult Survivors in MS chat with CSAs [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
phoenix321 Offline

Registered: 09/26/11
Posts: 912
Loc: USA, FL
Originally Posted By: Smalltown80sBoy
My personal experience has been that my CSA was worse than ASA. I'm not saying CSA is always worse; I'm just saying it was worse for me. Maybe it's because the CSA went on for years and involved family and ASA was two separate one time only situations with strangers.

But one thing I want to add is while I talk a great deal about the CSA here I am just as traumatized by the physical and verbal abuse.

I try to be as understanding and supportive as I can because regardless of our trauma we are men in the same boat. I may not always know what to say to a survivor of ASA but I get a lot of the traumatic aftereffects: fear of intimacy, etc.

The bottom line for me is I've gotten to know many of you fairly well and I feel like I have a whole bunch of brothers I've never had before and it feels pretty good.

I know Male Survivor is not perfect but maybe we can work together to make it a better place for everyone. There will probably always be people who are unhappy about something, but how can we make it better? Perhaps try to find ways to attract more survivors of ASA to MS? Maybe survivors of ASA can have moderated chats? Or perhaps once or twice a month the HC could be ASA only?

Again I am a survivor of CSA and ASA. While for me the CSA was worse I treat everyone here the same regardless of what their trauma was/is. But if there are changes that need to be made like a moderated ASA chat that will help the ASA brothers, perhaps there should be a formal proposal for something to that effect.

Gentlemen, it is important to understand that we are not here as survivors to claim who has it worse than anyone else. We each have unique experiences in the survivor world. If abuse happened one time to someone, or multiple times, it is damaging. Whether it happens to someone as a child or as an adult, it is damaging. Let's try to keep in mind that regardless of the age of a survivor, support is needed in a time when pain is difficult to bear. Where we lack understanding, let's ask each other and learn. This topic will be closed at this time.

The Moderator Team


A guy opens the front door and sees a snail on his doorstep. He picks up the snail and throws it across the street in a neighbor's yard. A year later, the guy opens the front door and the same snail is on his doorstep. The snail says, "What the f*ck was that about?"

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