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#398992 - 05/31/12 02:24 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
nebius Offline

Registered: 05/29/12
Posts: 6
If a man was trying to cover up an affair or cast blame elsewhere what are some of the things he would do? Would he make any life changes or just analyze it away and say it wasn't his fault? Would he tell his wife without prompting, tell his extended family and close freinds? Would he quit his job on the spot, lose a huge pension sell his car and begin looking for a new home out of fear of continued stalking? Or can we just say he is trying to start over...

#398995 - 05/31/12 02:37 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
did you have any reason to think that he was being less than faithful? I am not an expert on affairs, but I think a lot of times a man will cover his tracks by saying that he's "working late" or lying about who he's spending time with. I can't imagine where the benefit to him would be, to just come home one day and say he had an affair without the wife suspecting that something fishy was happening.

and again, using the word "affair" to describe what happened might be the only thing he can say because "rape" is hard to say sometimes.
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#398996 - 05/31/12 02:42 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
If I had an affair wiht a crazy person who starts stalking me, yes I might do that. They might be really scary and crazy.

Has he filed a restraining order? Has he pressed charges of any sort?

I am so sorry you are going through all this. You must be devestated and so confused.

IF this woman is truly crazy and a rapist, if he does't press any charges, she will do it over and over and over again to other people. A rapist, I don't believe, will ever stop at one victim.

If she is a rapist, she must be stopped.If she is just some crazy stalker, she must be stopped.

#398997 - 05/31/12 02:43 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I hope to God she isn't pregnant or something. People are crazy, you never know what their motives are.

#398999 - 05/31/12 02:54 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Gretta Offline

Registered: 09/18/11
Posts: 240
Not trying to insult anyone and please don't put words in my mouth, and I never said a MAN CAN'T BE RAPED, go back and read. This is what I am talking about these whole hearted sweeping statement, jumping to conclusions, assume with little or no information. I only asked to entertain the affair side of things and how did you come to such quick judgment that it was not. Not to condemn him but to help him.

Nebius I am truly sorry and my heart breaks for your and your husband. My husband was horribly abused as a child by not only his father and too many neighborhood boys to mentioned. I get taking care of a man that is hurting & suicidal and my comments really are out of best interest, because if it was an affair and there is something underneath that you aren't dealing with it will just pop it's ugly head again. It's almost scarier to think that a woman without physical force and through pure manipulation was able to wreak this kind of havoc on your life. My husband made a conscience decision, that I can wrap my brain around. Mentally deformed as he was because of his abuse he made a choice.

Nebius I hope your husband finds the help he needs and I will stay out of your post.

Edited by Gretta (05/31/12 07:26 PM)

#399048 - 06/01/12 01:48 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
GBWU Offline

Registered: 04/22/12
Posts: 17

If he is telling you the truth, you will know it. Follow your instincts and your heart. Also, a qualified therapist will be able to help as well. You can't let others plant seeds of doubt in your mind. Find out for yourself the truth and whatever that turth is, you decide what's best for you moving forward. Someone else's experiences are NOT yours so don't claim them.

Please know I'm thinking about you. I know what you're going through. Take one day at a time.

A story full of lies will fall apart, but the truth will stand firm no matter how many try to tear it apart.

#399058 - 06/01/12 02:51 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
Nebius and your dear husband are in my thoughts again today.

CruxFidelis, thank you for sharing so much of yourself here, I gained a lot from your posts. It helps me to understand my survivor better.

#399061 - 06/01/12 02:56 AM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA

Here is a link to an Introduction that may or may not be of help. I don't wish to cause you further anguish, Nebius. However, I am in the company of many supporters who never in a million years could have imagined the two very different people that lived within my husband. Nor could this survivor's wife, I'm sure (see link above).

GBWU is absolutely right; the truth will stand firm. Please know that no one is trying to tear truth apart. You expressed bewilderment in your original post and earlier today asked if your husband's behavior is indicative of one suffering from trauma. I believe he has suffered a trauma, but traumas aren't just black and white. Not pointing out possibilities other than rape would be a injustice to you.

You and your beloved are being prayed for!


For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#399148 - 06/01/12 08:38 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi nebius,

This sounds perfectly normal response to sexual abuse. There is nothing abnormal about asking a medical provider about a medical problem. In fact, I have a cousin who's a doctor and yes, there were a couple of times that I've asked her about something.

It is a myth that males in my opinion probably starting at puberty that we can never be raped, sexually abused or assaulted - we are supposed to like it. Sounds to me like he was stalked and the family near and extended were groomed by the woman who he had the affair with.

I think the best thing for you is to praise him for telling you (it's one of the hardest things he ever did) and letting him know that you still love him and are willing to help him in any you can within limits.
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#399151 - 06/01/12 10:05 PM Re: self condemnation [Re: nebius]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
Men, any man, can be sexually assaulted. WITHOUT A DOUBT


As his wife, I would wonder, however, what was happening for him in the time leading up to the event. Once you make sure he has support for what he is going through now, ASK THOSE QUESTIONS because they impact your marriage and your union. AND THEY ARE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS. Asking them DOES NOT IN ANY WAY diminish what he is suffering or what he is going through.

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