I'm not sure why, but I've been having a fairly bad few days, quite a relaps in fact. Maybe it was my rather stressful academic peer review of my thesis last wednesday, or maybe it's the fact that I'm coming to the end of my phd which i've been writing for the last five years, and will be utterly changing the direction of my life when it's done to train as a professional tenor.
But I've been really feeling worse over the past few days, ---- not quite as bad as I have been, but not where I really think I should be.
to compound this, I got an E-mail yesterday from a friend I haven't spoken to in a long time.
She is one of the few people I still know from the time my abuse happened, indeed back when I was 15 I thought I was in love with her, simply because she was the only person in my life close to my own age who didn't hate or feel indifferent to me, though I now recognize this wasn't actually love in the sense I'd think of it now, and it was a feeling that quickly faded once I met other people close to my own age and actually! fell in love properly for the first time.
The odd thing though was at the time I was a teenager it seemed that she was in a far worse position than I was.
she had some medical difficulties that meant she was pretty stuck at home, nearly lived on line and had a very overprotective family, where as I was studdying to go to university to do a degree, preparing to move out and live independently. This was indeed one of the things that made us drift slightly apart.
however, she did meet a bf online, they met each other, and got married.
I get a mail from her talking about how happy she is living in the states, how she's running her own business with her husband, and all the things that really caused problems back when she was younger are pretty much sorted (her family even agreed to her moving to the states).
Am I pleased for her? yes in a sense. I did think at one point she'd end up very alone as an adult not doing much, and I'm glad that hasn't happened to someone I do at least care about as a friend.
however I can't deny the fact that I'm jealous! For all the potential I had, for all that it seemed I was going to go a lot father than her (indeed her mum once accused me of having a massive amount of assistance and backing from others to get to where i was going with a disability), for all this, ---- who's in the better position?
I know for a fact that any comparison I do with another person won't work, sinse I'll always come off worst. I also know from one angle completing a phd and training as a professional tenor must seem pretty big accomplishments.
yet, she's bloody married! For all she sat at home and didn't really meet anyone, ---- she still managed to find someone.
I should start a dating agency! anyone who wants to end up with a long term relationship just has to be friends with me for a while, and it's guaranteed that however dire your circumstances seem you'll find one. Then again she is female, and women don't have problems finding someone.
Yes I know my own resolution about ridding myself of a desire for a relationship has failed utterly, ---- which again is something I'm less than proud of, I also know this is a load of self serving, self pittying crap, and that I should be stronger, better and more together than this.
I've been in recovery for five years, surely I'd be over this by now?
So much for my resolution, and so much for progress! Jealous of someone who really needed what she found? someone who helped me at a time when i had no other friends? what sort of repellent creature does that make me!
I'd probably better hit submit before I convince myself not to.
Sorry for wasting everyone's time, I'll be fine soon.
Edited by dark empathy (05/28/12 12:20 PM)