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#398076 - 05/22/12 07:11 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: Gretta]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi Gretta
I know he needs help but he won't admit it at the moment. I know that fantasing about having sex with your little sister is disturbing and so does he, I am not denying it and niether does he.
But my question is how do I help him?
I KNOW he would never hurt anyone, but how do i steer him in the right direction? How do I make it his decision? His fantasies are what fuels him at the moment. i want him to feel that I am a safe person to do this with, I am the first point for him.

#398086 - 05/22/12 08:41 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Gee you got a tongue lashing here, but remember that a lot of the ladies here have been through a lot of pain and really, out of love are trying to help you not go through this. So although the comments may seem harsh, really they are trying to spare you.

The question asked is "how do I help him" Again read my first post and make sure that you are taking care of yourself. Once you are sure that you are strong enough, well then you can try to help him.
How to help him is that you need him to know that he is not alone, that this has happened to many many other men. Not all men are ready to face the truth, many even once they see the truth still don't believe it, so there is no guarantee that he will seek help.
Try and point him to this web site, it is the best tool to healing from CSA. The other options are to buy him the books such as evicting the perpetrator, leaping of mountains, and there is another one that slips my mind written by Mike Lew.

I hope that this calms the situation and that you will stay with us, knowing that what is said is said with the utmost care and love.
Heal well
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#398088 - 05/22/12 08:54 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
lucylives Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 367
I am sorry if I sounded harsh. I still have some bitter feelings about the situation I find myself in. Not just living with someone with CSA, but with Sex addiction, alcoholism and financial problems. All of which were never disclosed to me before marriage which is why if I wasn't tied to him by marriage, the truth is I would have run. We have kids, we have debt together, we ahve a life together, we are a family. Our kids are a family. It is a tuff situation to be in. Most importantly, in spite of all the problems, I see so many good things about my husband. He is my confidant, my constant companion, the person I share my day to day life with. It is very difficult to just walk away and the truth is, there are so many things I would miss about him.

As for the incest fantasies, if yu don't want to do it, just say no. That is what I did. I may have compromised my values by staying in a relationship with someone who has done the things to me that he has done but I ceertainly will not go down any path sexually that I don't want to.

As for the thoughts of incest he has while making love to can't control that but one thing that has worked for me is that I all but insist my husband keep his eyes open and on me during sex. That way I know he is present and not "acting out" with me. that is the best I can do.

Sometimes I am really jealous of the girlfriends on here because you know going in waht is going on while you still have a chance to not get into marriage. You have more information before you get in too deep. That makes me envious. Yes, you can easily walk out on a marriage but when you are married with children, everything matters and everything affects them. I don't want my daughters to think marriage is just something you get in and then jump out when it gets difficult but I also don't want them to think that you should ever stay in an abusive relationship that isn't right for them. I am at a crossroads constantly.

#398090 - 05/22/12 09:05 PM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
herowannabe Offline

Registered: 11/01/11
Posts: 386
Loc: USA
If you want to put a label on us it would have to be described by almost everyone as 'f**k buddy, so now please tell me how I can be his buddy.

Ohhhhhh! I apologize for having misunderstood. I was of the impression that this was someone you loved and wanted to have a relationship- maybe marriage with. F*** Buddies I understand! I have my doctorate in F*** Buddies because my husband had some! I can help you with this!

F*** Buddy is synonomous with Blow Up Doll and Vibrator. A prostitute could be referred to as a F*** Buddy. To be a good F*** Buddy, you don't even need to BE there- just leave your sex organs on the bed and go do your laundry. You won't be missed so long as you leave behind the only part of you that matters to your F*** Buddy!

My husband had a couple F*** Buddies whom he paid big dollars in return for the f*** (What is it that you're getting from your F*** Buddy?).

As a survivor of CSA, my husband was short-circuited in his emotional and sexual maturity. Like your guy, he wanted to feel "empowered". He'd hidden dysfunction for so long that it was bubbling to the top- trying to overtake his "other life", the one I lived in. In the trauma survivor world, this is called "acting out" and "numbing".

The F*** Buddy who f***ed him the best was the one he kept for 1-1/2 years, and was actually a member of my family. Like your guy is doing, he kept her and their relationship hidden. Like you and your guy, he communicated with her via text and stolen hours at a hotel, or in her bedroom when I was sound asleep, or in his car during his lunch hour at work, etc. He even faked a "hunting trip" to get a F*** from her.

As he sunk deeper and deeper into his acting out (what I am certain your guy is doing with you), he became enslaved to vodka, which anesthesized his conscience enough to allow him to continue on with his secret life, which kept him busy enough to avoid the real issue of his CSA.

Like you, his F*** Buddy was the only human being he'd ever told of his abuse, which occured as a teenager who was homeless and prostituted. Why on earth would he have told her and not his own wife? Or a counselor? Or a clergyman? Or a friend? Or his parents? Because with her, he had no fear of hiding the secrets he'd carried silently due to his misplaced shame. He could tell her about his dark side because she was just as sick as he was. She'd been abused as a child, was completely confused about her sexuality, had absolutely no boundaries, and had learned that sex was for getting things she wanted. It wasn't "making love". It was a F***.

She SAW him dying before her eyes. She KNEW he was drinking daily and had stopped eating. She KNEW he'd begun to supplement her with paid prostitutes and KNEW that he could give me- her son's grandmother- disease, maybe death. But what she wanted was more important than his well-being or hers. And to my husband, what he wanted was more important than her well-being or his.

LM, if I knew someone was mentally unhealthy, I would not engage in mind games with them. I wouldn't provoke them. I would know better. If I knew someone was physically unhealthy, I would not allow them to ignore their health by not getting medical attention. If I knew someone was sexually unhealthy, as you know your guy is, I WOULD NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH THEM. I would know better, and you must know better, too.

My husband's F*** Buddies were fine with remaining in that role as they reaped rewards from it. They could not help him because they were as sick and/or selfish as he was. If you remain in the role of F*** Buddy, you are no more helpful than a junkie exclaiming how much they want to help another junkie stop using the drugs they're giving him.

You can't cure this guy. You, nor any supporter on this site can. Only a trained professional can help him- IF he wants the help, and you've not indicated he has that desire to heal- only to act out. You can stick a gold star on his head every time he tells you of a fantasy or hides from you for a month, but you are ONLY exacerbating the problem and are increasing his shame and self-loathing.

What you can do to steer him to get help is to respond to his texts with "". Period. If you want to help this guy, give him a list of CSA-trained counselors and keep your panties on. If you want to help this guy, help yourself because something inside of you is preventing you from seeing your worth AND his.

Or, you can remain his F*** Buddy. But if that's what you choose, you're right, you're in the wrong place. I'm sure there is a plethora of websites that can condition you to not be bothered by being used for sex.

BTW, I disagree with Lucy. I'm not so sure this guy isn't already married, but if he's not, I'll bet my arse he's in a committed relationship with a woman whom he knows would NEVER settle for what you're getting.

The best of luck to you-

For I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

#398105 - 05/23/12 12:08 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Esposa Offline

Registered: 10/19/11
Posts: 811
Loc: NJ
If he's married, then definitely run. I think my husband uses the verbs NUMB and HIDE to describe his former fuck buddy. Ain't nothing good there, not even a BUDDY.

#398118 - 05/23/12 01:45 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
Julia Offline

Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 76

I went back and read all you posted before answering. I could be wrong but I think you feel more for your survivor than just a f**k buddy, if that is all he is to you I doubt you'd be here.

I've known my Survivor friend since we were 15. When he was younger his issues weren't as noticable as they are now in his 40's.... once he started to remember more of what was done to him. We broke up long ago but he is in my life now as a friend.

There have been times through the years where the majority of our communicating was done via text, before I understood why he preferred texting I was frustrated and questioned my importance in his life. In the begining I felt he was lying and hiding because like you and your ex, he kept us a secret. I was wrong. His mother and brother knew about me. He was afraid for us to come out as a couple because he had failed in a marriage and past relationships. He also lied a lot. Important things and insignifigant things he'd lie to me about. I fell into picking things apart and jumping to conclusisons because he had hurt me in the past. 85 percent of the time I was right, 15 percent of the time I wasen't. It was one of the many reasons we broke up.

You have found yourself in a relationship that doesn't make sense. Your friend, isn't capable of maintaining a healthy friendship or a healthy serious relationship until he gets help. He has confided in you, several times..... from my own experience with my friend, this is huge. I would venture to guess he considers you a friend maybe more. Maybe he struggles knowing himself, he probably second guesses what he feels, what he wants and what he is comfortable with. You said he is afraid of committment? He will continue to come to you and run from you.

My advice to you would be, if you want to support him as a friend, then I would stop having sex with him. He'd probably continue keeping you a secret and acting out with you sexually, not neccessairly to hurt or betray you but because it's the only way he knows. His boundaries are nonexsistant that is why your's has to be steady, clear and strong. This will keep you from falling into what you've fallen into now, and it is showing him by example what a healthy friendship is and it will confuse him less. If you want a serious relationship down the road with him that involves sex and a committment, I'd make it clear that he needs to get into therapy. It is the only way he will aquire the tools he so desperately needs to maintain and enjoy a healthy, loving relationship.

Now that time has gone by, I can see much clearer now. I can see where I misunderstood him. He had a whole different set of rules. He viewed things differently than I did, his version of love was completely opposite of mine. He wasen't always trying to decieve or hurt me... he was desperately trying to read me, make me happy, keep me from leaving him, appearing "normal" himself and going about it in the very worst of ways. He was surviving the best and the only way he knew how to.

I'd strongly suggest you think about what you want in a relationship and what he is capable of giving you. If what you decide on is friendship, prove him right.... that his judgement that he questions constantly, was right this time. That he trusted the right person in telling you about his abuse. That he is safe and it is why that untill he understands his own fantasies you won't partake in them. That you will do anything in the world to help him but not lift a finger to hurt either one of you. Help him find a quailified therapist and/or a website like That you'll listen without judgement what he wants to share with you and only what he wants to share. Encourage him, cheer him on but don't be a part of anything that could keep the both of you stuck in the same or that could hurt either one of you. I believe you care about him a great deal.

Good luck

#398119 - 05/23/12 01:56 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
mmfan Offline

Registered: 09/25/11
Posts: 115
Hi Lynnemarie,

You sound like a caring supporter, and non-judgmental which is exactly what a survivor needs.

People (survivors or not) have a HUGE spectrum of fantasies. They can be especially frightening and disturbing for a survivor. It sounds like he's facing and exploring these for the 1st time, and gentle support of him allowing him to talk it through, without judgement, I think could be VERY healing for him.

Not many of us survivors (I am female btw) get the compassion, understanding and non-judgement in the bedroom that would allow us to truly feel safe facing our demons and healing them.

If you're comfortable with X in the bedroom, great. If X seriously freaks you out, makes you feel bad or uncomfortable then draw a line. It doesn't matter if you "should" or "shouldn't" feel comfortable with X, your feelings are what matter.

Boundaries don't have to be conveyed in a judgemental way. All you can do is be as gentle and nonjudgemental as you can. If he freaks out and shuts down when you issue a gentle "position statement," that isn't your fault.
Hopefully at some point he'll seek professional help, these issues are very complex and that professional guidance can be so helpful.

#398139 - 05/23/12 04:02 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: herowannabe]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Calm yer barm there herowannabe

Obviously I have triggered something in you, and I'm sorry for that. Your right I can't cure him, never said I could. My fella doesn't drink or do drugs but he is a workaholic, he's been in hospital twice in the last year because he has literally run himself into the ground. These fantasies burn through his mind to the point where he can't sleep. I can see he is slowly destroying himself and I don't even live with him. If listening to his fantasies even if it is by text allows him some sense of relief then I will listen.
Again I apologise if I have upset you.

#398147 - 05/23/12 04:34 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lucylives]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Hi lucylives

I'm sorry about my comments it was flippant of me. Of course marriage is a huge commitment and it was wrong of me to say you could just walk away. But to be be honest most of the advice I am getting is if your not married then walk/run away. It's not helpful! How can I walk away from someone who is in pain.
There is no need to be envious, you have a commitment.
Take care

#398152 - 05/23/12 04:59 AM Re: Sex and Fantasies "Trigger Warning" [Re: lynnemarie]
lynnemarie Offline

Registered: 04/29/12
Posts: 22
Julia & mmfan

Thank you, i was begining to lose the faith.

Alot of what you have said makes sense. He too has two failed marriages behind him, I know his second wife was sexually very adventurous but she also cheated on him alot.
His self worth is shattered and I know he has a hard time reconciling himself.
As far as the fantasies go he has a whole plethora of them and (even before I knew of the abuse) I have always said what thoughts are not for me. As far as the incest fantasies go,just to clear it up once and for all I have never indulged him in those, he has told me after the fact and I'm glad he has felt safe enough to tell me. I know they eat away at him and he pushes himself to the brink of exhastion to get away from them but sometimes they overtake him which I think is what happened that night.
I know he needs professional help but I can't brow beat him with it. It has taken 12 months for him to start to open up again so this is very early on and I don't want to frighten him off.

I understand that mixed signals are being sent by both parties by our intimate relationship and this is my area to work on.

Thank you again for your supportive and non judgmental comments.

take care

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