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#396945 - 05/13/12 02:46 PM Long, So many questions and Emotions
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
I was sexually abused around 4 or 5 years old in a foster home by a father and older son, I was physically abused by my alcoholic father, Molested by my older female cousin at around 10 years old.

I am married have been for around 18 years, I'm not sure how to start this but here goes.

I consider myself to be Bisexual and was upfront with my wife about this before we got married, I love my wife very much and yes I am attracted to her but I am also attracted to other guys. I find that I am more attracted to guys than I am women.

My wife had an affair with my best friend who was also a guy that I had been sexually involved with this was around 13 years ago, I guess I never really dealt with the feelings that I had inside my self and instead I dealt with the issue of us I had caught them together and the images are burned in my head for eternity though I try and push them aside occasionally they pop up. Recently my wife and I were having some issues and I at that time I had a guy approach me and wanted to be FWB at the time I guess I wanted to hurt her and inflict the pain I was going through on to her but before I actually met this guy I called it off so nothing happened other than a few emails, I think what I really wanted was the friends part more than the "benefits" but this all triggered something inside of me, I felt extreme guilt I had to tell someone exactly what I was feeling and the last person I wanted to tell was her. She knew I had been with the guy that she was with and at the point that happened he and I were only friends for some reason she believed that, that was all behind me, the actual deeds are way behind me, the encounters stopped before she and I got married but the ssa was still there.

I guess the stress of the time made acted as a trigger, I had always assumed that the sexual abuse is what had made me consider myself Bisexual because whenever I had sex with another man I felt dirty and had extreme guilt so I figured that wasn't something I could live with it wasn't something that I really wanted because of the way it felt, so I developed this feeling that I am only attracted to guys physically but could never love a guy in the way that I love my wife I hope this is all making sense.

I love my wife immensely and we have a young daughter together, I don't want to do anything to jepordize that and I guess one of the problems I am having now is that I work with the public I have lost allot of weight and I am getting flirted with by both sexes at the same time I am dealing with the stress of telling my wife that I am not sexually attracted to other women, I went out with my wife in high school, built a bond with her and then became attracted to her but I don't and didn't see her as a sexual object. My wife is blown away by all of this because like I said she had come to believe that my sexual feelings were just a passing phase.

I am looking at going to a therapist making calls tomorrow but since all this has come up I have had to deal with the emotions of being sexually abused by both men and a woman and I feel so confused and so alone and I don't know what to think or feel, I have so much anxiety over everything I have started medicating myself because if I don't I can't stop crying. My wife says it's ok, we'll work through this and has assured me of this repeatedly but I am so scared.

I hope this all makes sense, I have read some of the posts on here and it seems like some of you have been though similar situations, I am very glad that I found this place.

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#396946 - 05/13/12 02:57 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
innocence lost Offline


Registered: 12/03/11
Posts: 61
Loc: Cleveland. Ohio USA
Hi longroad,

You are on a journey that is bumpy, emotional, confusing, but ultimately freeing, so hang in there. You are certainly making steps in the right direction.

I am bisexual as well, and one of the hardest knots to untangle was figuring out if my sexual orientation was affected by my abuse or not. Ultimately for me, it was not. Most research has demonstrated that sexual oreintation and sexual abuse are not connected, but I still think that having suffered abuse makes finding a sense of sexual identity much, much more difficult. Please utilize the Sexual Identity discussion board on this site as a tool as you move forward.

I can tell you one thing for sure: if there was any physical response (erection, some physical pleasure) to the events that happened to you as a kid--IT WAS STILL ABUSE. No adult has a right to touch a kid sexually. The fact that these episodes reside in your soul as being "unjust" shows that you were certainly abused as a boy.

Hang in there! It's a long journey, but well worth it in the end!

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#396947 - 05/13/12 03:04 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MaleSurvivor- I hope u find healing and answers and inspiration here. You are not alone in your feelings about sex and Sexuality and your experiences. Abuse confuses, tangles and damages sexuality -I struggled with addictions for years in an effort to find escape and relief. My interest in sex with men was really a mirror of my abuse at the hands of several old boys when I was nine years old. It took a concentrated effort to be willing to look at all my problems honestly and find support to work thru all these issues- but there are huge rewards for finally processing all the stuff I avoided for decades.

Keep coming back and sharing!
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#396949 - 05/13/12 03:37 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks guys, I will keep checking in. I just don't know what I should think or feel at this time in my life, all I know is I can't stop thinking it's like a long domino effect and I feel like I flipped the first one over and now I'm waiting to see what will happen..I wish I could say or believe nothing but I'm no that naive the thought of my life changing scares the hell out of me. I know that I have my wife's reassurances but what she says now and what she may say later terrifies me. She oddly enough became clingy and extremely love able after I told her about everything which leads me to believe that she is in some sort of shock and not really dealing with the truth of the matter. I know she is going to need someone else to talk to and so she should have some sort or support so I did tell my mom what was going on, My mom loves my wife like a daughter and will and did put me in my place although I think it was a shock to her as well because I do have a gay brother, That was a tough issue for her to deal with but she overcame her misunderstandings about him so I know/knew she could deal with this too.


Edited by longroad37 (05/13/12 03:39 PM)

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#396988 - 05/13/12 10:20 PM * [Re: NCguy88]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217
*


Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 06:23 PM)

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#397053 - 05/14/12 05:20 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
chambers Offline


Registered: 04/17/12
Posts: 118
Loc: VA
It sounds like you are gay from your statement of not being attracted to women, except your wife b/c of the bond you share with her. I struggled w/ my sexual identity and whether I was gay or straight from 8 or 9 to my early 20's. I was abused by one of my brothers and thought I was gay and had feelings/attraction towards men and women.

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#397066 - 05/14/12 08:40 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
See, I don't see myself as gay, I am not completely unattracted to women but I don't look at one and think automatically that I'd like to have her, I could never see myself ever "Loving" a man for me it's purely a physical thing. I like the soft touch of a woman, The feel of a woman, I love my wife and I do enjoy being with her, I feel comfortable with her. See this one of the reasons I am looking to get help I'm trying to figure out exactly what is going on. I need answers.

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#397067 - 05/14/12 08:47 AM . [Re: NCguy88]
Life's A Dream Offline


Registered: 08/25/11
Posts: 886
Loc: Bouvet Island


Edited by Life's A Dream (01/13/13 03:36 AM)

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#397068 - 05/14/12 09:25 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
Hi Longroad and welcome to Male survivor.
Your feelings are somehow very similar to my own. I could never be with man although I've felt sometimes some attraction. Anyway
it seems that a lot of us have some difficulties relate to mixed feelings about sexuality and intimacy.
I've found very helpful reading part of board Ask the Sex Doc about these issues, look there, maybe some stories would be helpful to you also:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=76&page=1
It is great hat you'll look for some therapist, please read this about finding good T, here is article - A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/ArchivedPages/singer1.html
Share with us as much as possible, we can gain a lot of trough exchange of experiences.
Be well!
Pero
_________________________
My story

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#397110 - 05/14/12 04:35 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Does anyone else have these extreme mood swings? One minute your fine and then the next your a mess? I can't seem to control them.
I made an appointment with a therapist but it's not until the middle of next month, that was the soonest. Going back to my Regular MD tomorrow to see if they can prescribe something that will help but not zombify me, I still have to be able to function at work.

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#397113 - 05/14/12 05:11 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
How can I get automatic email notifications of replies to my thread? do we have that option?..Thanks

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#397122 - 05/14/12 07:23 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
About e-mail notifications:
above your thread - Long, So many questions and Emotions there is Topic Options and there Add Topic to your Watched Topics. After you added it you can make additional settings to get automatic email notification like this:
go under My Stuff and open Watch Lists. Hit Watched Topics and after that open Edit Watched Topics at right upper corner and there you can make change choosing to get e-mail notifications pointing to E-mail notifications and choosing Immediately...
_________________________
My story

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#397126 - 05/14/12 07:57 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: peroperic2009]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks!

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#397142 - 05/14/12 11:30 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4225
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
longroad-

yeah - the mood swings... first i didn't feel any emotions at all - by my own conscious decision - for decades. then the emotions came back - (following the recovered memories) - with a vengeance - and all very mixed up and confusing - couldn't distinguish one from another - they all felt like anxiety and stress. then they started to separate into identifiable separate feelings - happy, sad, angry, etc. but lots of quick switches from one to another that left me disoriented and exhausted. i wasn't used to dealing with them and now they were loose and taking over. now things are more settled. i can keep more of a balance - still feel things but not be overwhelmed by them - at least most of the time.

not saying everyone goes through the same stages - but if someone else can relate, then i guess that's good.

Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#397173 - 05/15/12 02:24 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Bad bad night tonight, Have a couple of days off so I thought I'd take my wife out to a movie, got there and ran into the guy that I was talking to from my first post, didn't say anything but was trying to look me in the eyes and stuff nothing ever came of us talking but he did come into my work one day unexpectedly so we both knew who each other were but I automatically went into panic mode, I didn't tell my wife at that minute who he was but she could tell something was definitely wrong because my heart was pounding and my breathing changed, she thought I was going to have a heart attack, I told her after the movie was over and we left who he was and she understood. I was so freaked, I was shaking and then started feeling numb, awful feeling. When the movie was over I ran out of there as fast as I could practically dragging her along. She knew I was talking to someone because I told her but nothing ever came of it, I couldn't have but I just cannot handle people looking at me like that, I feel like I am loosing all control. I think it's related to the PTSD I was diagnosed with a few years ago.

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#397177 - 05/15/12 02:34 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
I too was doing fine for years, I mentioned on someone else's post earlier that I had allowed my self get to nearly 400 lbs at one time I guess in a sub conscience effort to get people not to look at me, I do not like attention at all, it freaks me out. I lost weight and am now down under 200 lbs and people are noticing me and I can't handle the attention at all when people compliment me or flirt I literally want to curl up in a ball and disappear.

When my wife and I were fighting and I talked to that guy online it has really triggered something, I am such a mess right now.
I hate feeling like this, my wife hates seeing me like this and feels guilty, I tell her this isn't her fault, I pushed this down so far for so long and now it's time to deal with it whether I want to or not. I read so much on here from others experiences and allot of things start making a whole lot of sense
I know some of what's going on but dealing with all this is just awful.

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#397195 - 05/15/12 04:50 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
peroperic2009 Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3856
Loc: South-East Europe
I've found some relaxation exercises as very helpful in such situations. We survivors are unconsciously a little bit anxious and tensed inside and additional triggering situation can bring us to unwanted territory.
So easing inner pressure is very important skill that we need to learn and practice.
When I came here I've found very simple instructions about breathing techniques, very simple and very efficient. I've been trying to do it at my work, while walking trough city or at every other occasion and sometimes it really quickly brings back some relief and peace.
Here is the link to thread:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8233#Post378233
Other than that I can suggest grounding techniques. Such as naming objects in the room, naming something you can hear, see and feel around you, putting your feet flat on the floor and using ice on your neck.
Here is explanation and some advices at end of page:
http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/present.html
and here is short list of some things that you could to:
http://www.mosaicminds.org/safe-ground-new.shtml#
Maybe you could try to do some of these and let us know was it helpful?

_________________________
My story

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#397208 - 05/15/12 10:48 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks for sharing those links, The next time I feel that way I will try some of those. I can honestly tell you that I was scared to death as I sat in that seat I was in hyper sensitive mode I was aware of everyone and everything around me and just felt like everyone around me was watching me, I know they weren't but that was how I felt, I was scared to death to use the rest room because I was afraid I would be approached and held it until I felt like my bladder was going to explode. I apologize for some of my posts on here, I know they sound repetitive and sort of odd, the meds I am taking for the anxiety kind of make me half out of it. I know every time I make a post I want to delete it because I am afraid of what people will think but then I don't because I figure I need to get this all out so I can finally deal with it.

I liked MS on my facebook and thought about removing the action from my activity because I was afraid that people would see it but then again along the same line I thought I didn't do this to myself I have nothing to be ashamed of so I left it.

I know my family, friends and co-workers that are in my life and on my facebook are wondering what is going on with me and I sort of feel like I owe them an explanation of what is going on but I am not ready to tell them all, Some of my really close friends and family already know what I went though but most don't know that for whatever reason I am dealing with this right now but I'm not ready to go into it with them but even I know that my posts seem sort of irrational and like I've gone off the deep end.

I have a doctors appointment here shortly to try and get my meds situated hopefully that goes ok, Trying to explain why I need the meds that they don't want to give me without telling them everything, I have been going to the same Dr since I was 15, I have never told him anything that I went through but he has treated me for depression and anxiety which was not nearly as bad as it has been recently and always wants to use anti depressants which I cannot take due to side effects.

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#397213 - 05/15/12 11:40 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
I have made an introduction post today, I am feeling pretty level right now and my first posts on here are kind of confusing so I'm hoping the introduction post will help people understand me a little better, if your interested here is the link http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=397212&#Post397212

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#397223 - 05/15/12 01:49 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4225
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
Glad to have read your introductory post and learned more of your story. don't worry about the jumpy style of writing. lots of us here just do stream of consciousness and pour it all out without much editing. it seems to help. we can figure it out. or ask for clarification. but we also can understand lots more than what you say... no apologies needed!

so welcome! and i hope you get the help and support you need.

Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#397296 - 05/15/12 11:51 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Well just a quick update on today, I went to my MD today and explained some of what was going on, my blood pressure was 178/90 because of the anxiety and I wasn't all that anxious compared to say last night so I can imagine how high it must be when I am at my worse.

anyways the doctor basically refused to give me anything other than lexapro, unfortunately my insurance requires pre authorization so it could take 2 weeks to get any help. I had and have been taking an old script of Klonopin that I got from an old doctor some years ago.

Well I got a hold of the psychiatrist that I have the appointment with next month and explained that I really need to see someone faster and as luck would have it they have a cancellation for tomorrow so I will get seen tomorrow instead of next month.

I was in sort of an awkward situation today with my wife, after my appointment we stopped by a fast food place to get a drink and the guy who worked the window was very effeminate and well she kind of freaked thinking that he was flirting with me., One of the regular guy customers that comes into my work works outside saw me and waved, again she freaked, not towards me but towards them making me VERY uncomfortable she calmed down after I explained to her that neither of them meant any harm.

Then she goes on to tell me that she would rather quit my job and get a job at HOOTERS..lol, she is a trip, one of the reasons I love her.

but I'm afraid of how this is going to progress...


Edited by longroad37 (05/15/12 11:53 PM)
Edit Reason: fix some grammer/clarify

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#397354 - 05/16/12 12:40 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
As I sit here trying to emotionally prepare myself to talk to this psychiatrist I am thinking why, It seemed to start out as a good day so why do I want to ruin it by bring all this up again, why can't I just push it back down and not have to deal with it again and life be like it was before all of this started.

I know why, because I want to save me, I want to save my marriage, I want to provide a stable childhood for my daughter. I'm afraid to see this psychiatrist, what if I get there and feel like I can't talk. When I try to talk about what happened and the memories I get so choked up I can't talk about it. The only way I can usually get the words out of my mouth is if I take something to calm me down. This is so hard, I am worried if he knows much about this subject and how to handle this and to lead me down the right path. I don't know what to expect and again uncertainty is one of my biggest fears.

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#397376 - 05/16/12 06:35 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
Sailor John Offline


Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi longroad,

Speaking for myself, The telling was the absolute worst thing I ever did. Don't worry, they are medical professionals and just because you think they've never heard anything as bad as your story, they have. That's the perps way of saying I can still control you. By not keeping your appointment, you are letting the perp win again.

Don't worry about not being able to talk to him/her. they are trained for this stuff. What I found kelped me when the going got really bad, was to look at the floor and just pretend you are talking to the floor - just make sure you talk loud enough for to be heard.

Good Luck with everything.

You've just listed excellent reasons for you to get rid of all your deamons.
_________________________
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.

WE ARE NOT VICTIMS. WE ARE THE SURVIVORS!!!

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#397422 - 05/16/12 11:52 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4225
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
longroad - what really helped me - because i tend to get shy and withdrawn and tongue-tied when talking about myself and especially the bad memories - was to write it out - and then read it to the T. he encouraged this and i found it very effective. i discovered i was able to think about it more clearly and express it more eloquently on paper. one less awkward hurdle for me to leap in the session - trying to overcome my natural ingrained reticence. then it was easier to follow up with actual conversation one the ice had been broken.

just an idea you might want to try.
Lee
_________________________
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

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#397426 - 05/17/12 12:15 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks guys, I went and talked to the psy and he agreed with the PTSD and gave me Trazadone to help me sleep and a script for Zoloft which he said could take up to 3 months to take full effect, I already have a script for Lexapro waiting for a pre auth and the Md sent in the paper work so I am waiting on the Zoloft for now. I have taken both in the past (for minor compared to this) anxiety and depression and the lexapro worked really well. He is also going to find me a therapist to talk to about all of this.

I am off work till Monday, he really thought I should wait longer but I really can't afford to. He mentioned that I should either find a new job or take a while off but I can't do that either right now.

I am nervous about going back Monday but I am going to try and see how it goes, I can get an extension if I need it.

Traveler and John, I am exactly the same way I found what helped me was fiddling with my keys while I was talking, I know it drove the Psy crazy but it's what helped.

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#397429 - 05/17/12 01:29 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
KMCINVA Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3786
Sleep will help you.Like everyone else, telling what happened was the hardest thing in my life. I felt like everyone would look at me like I was so damaged, as my family looked at me and told me what a sick and useless person I was. Once I learned there are caring people who listen, and it took a long time, but my T and some wonderful supporters who I met allowed me to open up about the abuse and did not make me feel useless and worthless about what happened and what I did, I could begin to heal.

You are finding that safe place to tell what happened--open up and let it out. It will help you to hear yourself and the words that come from your mouth.

Your T will help you navigate your healing. Do not let others tell you that healing cannot be achieved, because they fear if you heal you may be the person you should be and not the one they can control and destroy. Best luck and I know you can do it.

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#397459 - 05/17/12 05:50 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline


Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks KMCINVA, Thankfully so far everyone that I have told has been very supportive.

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