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#397296 - 05/15/12 11:51 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Well just a quick update on today, I went to my MD today and explained some of what was going on, my blood pressure was 178/90 because of the anxiety and I wasn't all that anxious compared to say last night so I can imagine how high it must be when I am at my worse.

anyways the doctor basically refused to give me anything other than lexapro, unfortunately my insurance requires pre authorization so it could take 2 weeks to get any help. I had and have been taking an old script of Klonopin that I got from an old doctor some years ago.

Well I got a hold of the psychiatrist that I have the appointment with next month and explained that I really need to see someone faster and as luck would have it they have a cancellation for tomorrow so I will get seen tomorrow instead of next month.

I was in sort of an awkward situation today with my wife, after my appointment we stopped by a fast food place to get a drink and the guy who worked the window was very effeminate and well she kind of freaked thinking that he was flirting with me., One of the regular guy customers that comes into my work works outside saw me and waved, again she freaked, not towards me but towards them making me VERY uncomfortable she calmed down after I explained to her that neither of them meant any harm.

Then she goes on to tell me that she would rather quit my job and get a job at, she is a trip, one of the reasons I love her.

but I'm afraid of how this is going to progress...

Edited by longroad37 (05/15/12 11:53 PM)
Edit Reason: fix some grammer/clarify

#397354 - 05/16/12 12:40 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
As I sit here trying to emotionally prepare myself to talk to this psychiatrist I am thinking why, It seemed to start out as a good day so why do I want to ruin it by bring all this up again, why can't I just push it back down and not have to deal with it again and life be like it was before all of this started.

I know why, because I want to save me, I want to save my marriage, I want to provide a stable childhood for my daughter. I'm afraid to see this psychiatrist, what if I get there and feel like I can't talk. When I try to talk about what happened and the memories I get so choked up I can't talk about it. The only way I can usually get the words out of my mouth is if I take something to calm me down. This is so hard, I am worried if he knows much about this subject and how to handle this and to lead me down the right path. I don't know what to expect and again uncertainty is one of my biggest fears.

#397376 - 05/16/12 06:35 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
Sailor John Offline

Registered: 10/04/11
Posts: 310
Loc: Newfoundland & Labrador
Hi longroad,

Speaking for myself, The telling was the absolute worst thing I ever did. Don't worry, they are medical professionals and just because you think they've never heard anything as bad as your story, they have. That's the perps way of saying I can still control you. By not keeping your appointment, you are letting the perp win again.

Don't worry about not being able to talk to him/her. they are trained for this stuff. What I found kelped me when the going got really bad, was to look at the floor and just pretend you are talking to the floor - just make sure you talk loud enough for to be heard.

Good Luck with everything.

You've just listed excellent reasons for you to get rid of all your deamons.
I will mourn the teenager I never was and strive to make that dot of light way out in the far reaches of the end of the tunnel turn into a bright sun.


#397422 - 05/16/12 11:52 PM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
traveler Offline

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4284
Loc: resettling in NE Ohio
longroad - what really helped me - because i tend to get shy and withdrawn and tongue-tied when talking about myself and especially the bad memories - was to write it out - and then read it to the T. he encouraged this and i found it very effective. i discovered i was able to think about it more clearly and express it more eloquently on paper. one less awkward hurdle for me to leap in the session - trying to overcome my natural ingrained reticence. then it was easier to follow up with actual conversation one the ice had been broken.

just an idea you might want to try.
How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen?
Or cry out to you, “Violence!” but you do not save?
Why do you make me look at injustice?
Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?...
Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails....
Habakkuk 1:2-3

#397426 - 05/17/12 12:15 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks guys, I went and talked to the psy and he agreed with the PTSD and gave me Trazadone to help me sleep and a script for Zoloft which he said could take up to 3 months to take full effect, I already have a script for Lexapro waiting for a pre auth and the Md sent in the paper work so I am waiting on the Zoloft for now. I have taken both in the past (for minor compared to this) anxiety and depression and the lexapro worked really well. He is also going to find me a therapist to talk to about all of this.

I am off work till Monday, he really thought I should wait longer but I really can't afford to. He mentioned that I should either find a new job or take a while off but I can't do that either right now.

I am nervous about going back Monday but I am going to try and see how it goes, I can get an extension if I need it.

Traveler and John, I am exactly the same way I found what helped me was fiddling with my keys while I was talking, I know it drove the Psy crazy but it's what helped.

#397429 - 05/17/12 01:29 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 3852
Sleep will help you.Like everyone else, telling what happened was the hardest thing in my life. I felt like everyone would look at me like I was so damaged, as my family looked at me and told me what a sick and useless person I was. Once I learned there are caring people who listen, and it took a long time, but my T and some wonderful supporters who I met allowed me to open up about the abuse and did not make me feel useless and worthless about what happened and what I did, I could begin to heal.

You are finding that safe place to tell what happened--open up and let it out. It will help you to hear yourself and the words that come from your mouth.

Your T will help you navigate your healing. Do not let others tell you that healing cannot be achieved, because they fear if you heal you may be the person you should be and not the one they can control and destroy. Best luck and I know you can do it.

#397459 - 05/17/12 05:50 AM Re: Long, So many questions and Emotions [Re: NCguy88]
NCguy88 Offline

Registered: 05/13/12
Posts: 76
Thanks KMCINVA, Thankfully so far everyone that I have told has been very supportive.

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